Chickens, Questions Answered

I am hoping to change up some things around these musty old parts, and Mondays is my first step. I am going to post each Monday about a specific topic, then respond to questions and comments in a separate post if needed. By specific topic I mean something that is at least somewhat educational. I'm thinking of cloth diapers, being earth friendly, how to best club baby harp seals, etc. If you have a topic that you would like me to address in my particular (peculiar?) style, leave a comment or drop me an email. I am really trying hard to respond in a more timely fashion to emails. I am also setting aside time to blog, because this shit doesn't fucking write itself, yo.

First, Karen and Parkingathome told me that they had trouble commenting on the Chicken post. I'm not sure what was going on, but I will be leave Blogger software behind as of this weekend (cross your fingers). They will no longer support me storing my shit elsewhere and then using them for publishing and whatnot, aka FTPing it. I respect their decision, and I'm glad to be making the change to something bigger and better. Or failing miserably and crying when all my shit gets lost. Whatever. Change is good and necessary.

Sis B wants to know how often chickens lay eggs. This depends on the breed and season. A great laying breed will lay seven days a week spring through fall, and then four to five days a week in a mild winter. You can artificially light your coop during the winter to keep up production, but this has drawbacks. Hens have a finite number of eggs in their lady bits, and when they are done laying that is it. If you push them to lay more eggs during a year, they will lay for fewer seasons total. There isn't a natural way to go around this limit. If this is hurting your brain, think about it this way.

Henrietta The Chicken has 20 eggs in her Lady Bits. She can lay in the following manner:

• 1 egg per year for 20 years
• 5 eggs per year for 4 years
• 10 eggs per year for 2 years

You pick whichever works best for you and your chicken. And yes, I just blogged a math word problem. I'm sorry, it is how my brain works. For my purpose, I don't need a certain amount of eggs. Eggs are a side benefit of having chickens. For breeds that aren't primarily for laying, the amount of eggs is fewer. Table breeds are bigger, lay fewer eggs, and meant for...your table. NOM NOM NOM.

Jenni wants to know about chicken shit. Well, chickens shit a lot. This is why the chickens have their own fenced in area. However, chicken shit is easy to clean up if you let it dry (think of hard dog poop) or use a hose on it. A little ater disintegrates it, which doesn't happen with dog poop. If you don't touch it until it is completely dry, it doesn't smell and you can rake it up and throw it away. DO NOT mess with mushy chicken shit by hand. WHOA the stink if you step on it. Just leave it alone. You can also use it in compost or as fertilizer if you know what you are doing. Chicken rakes up the poop in the fences area once a week as well as cleans up the coop. Chickens avoid shitting in their nest area. Good girls!


Audrey wants to know everything. Right now we are getting 12-14 eggs a week because Buttercup just began to lay for the first time. Oreo isn't laying or it would be 17 or so eggs per week. When you get to that number, start finding people to give eggs to or get creative in the kitchen. Chickens will only lay one egg per day maximum. This is what it looks like when an egg is laid. *Caution: this is an up close and personal view of hen lady bits.*  **Edited To Add: Parkingathome is forever scarred by this video and will never eat eggs again. Her husband says: "It looks like a mouth! It's talking to me! It looks like Santa Claus with hair all over his face!"**  We live in the suburbs, and chickens are relatively quiet. They make quiet clucking sounds and only get noisy when they lay an egg or get really startled.

Each chicken has their own voice, so you can tell who laid an egg by their song. When you have a bunch of hens together (more than I have currently) and an egg is laid, all the hens join in to celebrate the egg laying. This can get loud and when it happens for every egg laid, annoying. However, with my hens right now only Beck sings when she lays. Buttercup may start singing, but that is still only two songs a day. Much less annoying than that yappy assed dog next door that barks when the grass grows too fast. Audrey also wants to know about coops, but I don't have a good picture of our coop and it's dark outside. Backyard Chickens is a good resource for chicken coop designs, as is My Pet Chicken. We made our own, but someday I want something like one of these from My Pet Chicken:

The top one is $1060, also known as A Lot Of Fucking Money For A Hen House but so cute and comes in many stylish colors! The bottom one is only $495!! and comes with a run (place for chickens to roam without getting shit everywhere or eaten by your damn yappy dog). It also has different color options and is In Stock Now!

So! Tired of chickens yet? I think I need a nap and an omelet. If you have additional chicken questions, comment or email me. By the way, I am not receiving any compensation for this post. I'm just sharing a bit of what I've learned and some things that I covet.

Chickens, Fact and Fiction

When I tell people that I have chickens, the reactions range in a predictable manner:

• Awesome! Chickens! Fresh eggs!
• I didn't know you lived on a farm.
• Ew. I don't like birds.
• Why the fuck do you have chickens?

We have chickens because Chicken (the boy, not the fowl)did a state report on Rhode Island in fifth grade. He learned that the state bird is the Rhode Island Red, a chicken. I'm not sure why the state bird is a chicken, but whatever! Chicken loves birds with a fiery passion. Currently he wants to either be a chef or an ornithologist. Chicken asked if we could have our own chickens, but we were renting a house at that point so I said no. I told him that when we owned our own house he could have a chicken.

Which brings us to our  chickens! fact! and fiction! One of my favorite chicken fallacies is that free range, organic chickens are vegetarians. They are only fed the finest grains! No dirty meat for our egg layers! Well my friends, chickens are omnivores in my opinion. They may not eat meat as a primary food source, but they will eat anything that moves. This includes crickets, worms, and bees if they can catch them. It's not the smartest thing to attempt to eat a bee that is buzzing by, but I will never accuse chickens of being particularly smart.

Before I had chickens, I thought brown eggs equaled more wholesome, organic type eggs. You know what brown eggs mean? Brown(ish) chickens. It's like this: brown people have brown babies. White people have white babies. It's the same deal with chickens. And yes, this is a general rule and I know that not all people have babies that are their exact color. Look at Michael Jackson's children...or maybe forget that example.

Moving on, I'd like to introduce you to Beck, a Rhode Island Red. She is named after Beck the musician. Chicken's theory is that she is a mellow, laid back bird so she should be named appropriately. Beck lays brownish eggs.

These eggs belong to Beck and Buttercup. Both of the birds were purchased from a local feed store at less than one week old for about $3.50. They begin laying eggs at four to six months old. Some breeds are known for laying many eggs (6-7 a week) almost year round, like the Rhode Island Red. Others take a break during winter. Just like dogs, some breeds are more friendly than others. I'm not a big fan of birds in general as pets because I am not fond of beaks crunching down on my flesh, but chickens are super friendly. They also warn you (like dogs) if they are going to peck. They don't do it just because they are fuckers, like some birds.

This is Buttercup. She's the biggest bird we have, but currently she is laying eggs smaller than Beck. We think her eggs might increase in size as she matures. As the youngest, Buttercup is at the bottom of the pecking order. She keeps out of Beck and Oreo's way or they will peck at her. She isn't used to her size yet, so watching her run away from them is hilarious. Think of a super gangly teenaged bird and you have Buttercup.

This is Buttercup and Oreo. If you follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed that Oreo spent a night in my shower. She was having some intestinal issues so we needed a place away from the other birds to watch her. I'm never doing that again. Oh. MY. GAWD. THE MESS! So much fun to have another thing to scrub. Like I don't deal with feces enough on a daily basis.

Chickens are easy to clean up after, Chicken (the boy) cleans their area and coop once a week and it takes him about a half an hour. He feeds and waters them daily. They are allowed to roam the whole yard on a limited basis, and spend most of their time in their fenced in area. Their eggs are much tastier than store bought eggs, and they are low maintenance pets if you have the room for them. You don't have to walk them or groom them, but you do get to hold them and pet them. I <3 chickens.

Next Monday's topic will be part II of Cloth Diapers!

Lickin' Mah Ass

Yesterday I shaved my legs for the second time since Egg was born. Just in case you think that I am neglecting you but accomplishing everything else. Ho ho! I am not. On the up side, I have only missed one shower thus far in new parenthood, if you calculate the necessary amount as one shower per day. I usually prefer more, but I'm not greedy. Much. Do you know how much I missed you? I just paused Private Practice to write this post. I am giving up a chance to watch television without a small person grousing at me just to update you-my bloggy peeps. Le sigh.

Let's start with a fun topic, shall we? Depression!! Wheeee! I'm pretty sure that I was depressed during my pregnancy. If you've been depressed, you know what I'm talking about when I say that looking back I am thinking to myself, "Self-what the fuckity fuck?" It is like looking down into a deep black hole and wondering how the fuck I got in there and very thankful that I got out. The reason that I am thinking this is that life is feeling very fabulous right now. Showers? Great! Food? AWESOME! Life? Fan-fucking-tastic!! Chocolate? I could fucking eat my weight in chocolate within hours of popping Egg out of my cooterus. I cannot believe how much better I am feeling.

How's the fibro? Pretty much wonderful compared to the last few years. I don't know how long this goodness will last but I am going to milk it for all it is fucking worth. I have energy, I am sleeping great (three hours at a time) and my pain is manageble. Go me!

Breastfeeding. Ug. And YAY! And ug. So far the journey looks like this:

• Tired baby leads to poor latch initially
• Leads to cracked and fucked up nipples
• Leads to breast infection in righty
• Prescribed antibiotics
• Leads to yeast in nipples and Egg's mouth
• Leads to OMFG ouch
• Leads to much interaction with vinegar, nystatin, diflucan, etc.
• Kills yeast (knock on wood)

Things are going well on the latch/infection/yeast front at the moment. Yippee! Except! Now I am battling serious oversupply. Here's what oversupply looks like (with a bonus of nursing in public and being judged):

1. Baby grouses due to hunger
2. I put Egg to my breast
3. Egg nurses
4. Milk lets down like a fucking fire hose
5. Egg coughs, sputters, swallows air
6. We are both coated in milk
7. Egg hollers because he is drownding in milk
8. Egg hollers because he is still hungry
9. Egg hollers because he needs to burp up the air he swallowed and he HATES it
10. My milk stops flowing finally
11. I'm sad
12. Egg is crying
13. People are thinking, "WTF is she doing with her titty to that baby?"
14. I feel like a failure and want to hide under my bed
15. Egg is pissed and hates the titty

I've done some research and we are working on the oversupply issue. I'm nursing on one side for 6-8 hours at a time to tell my body to STOP FUCKING MAKING SO MUCH DAMN MILK ALREADY. At home I nurse on my side in bed whenever possible. I pull Egg off during the initial let down to keep him from being overwhelmed. We're working on it. But FUCK ME I really want this nursing thing to be easier. Please?

On the funny (in my mind) side, one of my mother's friends made a comment to me about nursing the other day. "If you keep nursing you'll lose all the baby weight!" Um...yeah. I already lost all the baby weight. Any other real or imagined extra weight is all mine. Thanks, though.

Last but not least, we took care of the excess cock situation. TB posted an ad on Craig's List and a lady responded. She had two egg-laying hens that she was willing to trade for Peck and George. She is going to breed Peck to some Wyandotte hens that she already owns. George is going to be the main man for her mixed breed hens-he gets to use his cock, too! I don't have pictures of the new hens yet, but they do have names: Oreo and Maynard. Oreo named for her black, white, black coloring and Maynard after the lead singer of Tool. Chicken named them both, and I am very amused.

I have learned something valuable about chickens: roosters crow and hens lay eggs! Amazing, huh? Oreo and Maynard are teaching Beck about making nests and laying eggs, all the womanly arts of henhood. The three are getting along famously although the new girls ignored Beck initially. Beck walked into the house a few days ago like she lived here, and then when TB noticed her she hopped up onto the bar. What the fuck, chicken?

So, that's all the energy I have right now. I am reading a few posts a day, but I usually don't have two hands to type comments. I'm around, I'll be here and there and will post more often as Egg allows. Take care of yourselves!

Halp! Mah Chickens Haz Cox!!1!

Remember the chickens? And the chicken vs. bacon video I owe Kaila? Well we seem to have a bit of a problem. I've got too much cock in my house already, and now it seems that 2 out of 3 chickens aren't hens as much as fucking ROOSTERS. *sigh* I need my bloggy peeps to help me out on this one. Does anyone know of a person that would like two wonderful cocks? They are BFF's and spend all day side-by-side. But I can't have them making their cock noises at dawn every day. I'd be willing to drive them to their new home. I just can't cook them up and serve them to Chicken. We are keeping Beck and getting another hen to keep her company. She seems so sad, trailing after the two boys. GAWD. SUX. WAHHHH. Pictures for your amusement. Don't judge teh awesome backyard, it came that way and we are landscaping the front first. It's a jungle back there. A jungle full of COCK.

George!

Beck and Peck

Chikken!

Since SOME of you have issues regarding chickens, I took some more pictures today for your clucky enjoyment. First up, the coop! Handmade with love and care by Teddy Bear with a little help from Chicken and I.

Chickens! Eating!

George giving me the hairy feathery eyeball. See how she towers over Beck?
The far right side of the coop contains a heat lamp and is wood on all sides. It keeps that area ten degrees warmer than the outside air. Remember the little box that the chicks lived in? Yep, that is now part of the coop during the day. We put the straw in there and eventually it will be a nesting box. We put it in the laundry room overnight so The Girls don't get too cold.
Super exciting chickeny post, no? You're welcome. Next time, "Chickens and Bacon" the all new feature film as per your request.

Stuff On My Dude

When I first placed Beck on Dude he yawned. Then he stretched. Then he casually took a look at the creature that was chillin' on his back. That was it. Dude smokes way too much pot in my opinion.

All Chickens All The Time

My readers have spoken! In a contest between the following topics the chickens have won wings down:

• Me bitching about how suck ass I feel
• Me bitching about the dumb ass things Teddy Bear sometimes does
• Me bragging about Egg's package
• Me posting pics of the chickens along with exciting chickeny stories

The chickens have transitioned to their NEW and SHINY coop outside during the daytime and they are loving the extra room. They also get more time to be "free range" chickens, which means running in an excited flock around the backyard while Reina looks on from afar while drooling a bit and Dude steadfastly ignores them. When the temperature drops into the fifties we bring them inside to spend the night in their little nesting box. Although they have a heat lamp in the closed end of the coop it only increases the temperature about 10 degrees. Until they have a complete set of feathers it is too cold for them to spend the night outdoors when it has been dropping down into the forties. Of course, I live in Southern California where it was fucking 88.7 degrees during the day today. I am so over summer, but the birds love it.

Tonight we tried to feed The Girls a little fruit. They stopped, cocked their heads and STARED at the fruit. Then they went back to whatever chicken philosophies they were contemplating. Teddy Bear gave me a small piece of bacon and I reached out to them with it in my hand. I drew back a bloody stump. Well, I was uninjured but HOLY FUCK they loved that bacon. The piece was fought over, stolen out of beaks, and generally was the funniest damn thing I have seen all day. Especially when The Girls are so much bigger and there isn't enough room in the nesting box to run around effectively. They LOVE bacon. It is their new best friend.

George and Pecker are big fans of bacon. Beck wasn't smart enough to eat any, but she did see a speck on the wall that she tried to peck.

This is as close as Reina will get to them, and is only this bold because they aren't looking at her with murder in their eyes.

George's legs are fucking HUGE. I am hoping to get a good comparison shot soon.

Beck is still the sweetest, prettiest, and dumbest.

Pecker is going to be a beautiful bird someday. This look is "Did you just say bacon?"

Remember the last post with the three of them perched together? I think this is what parents of triplets that can crawl or walk deal with, because these damn birds would not sit and pose for the camera.

I'll have pictures of the outdoor coop along with "free range" pictures soon!

Neighbor Lady and Chickens!

I moved last month into a house that is perfectly normal in most every way with the exception of my next door neighbor. I need to give her a blog name but currently my creative side is kaput. For the moment, how about Neighbor Lady? Yes, awesome and inspiring I am. Neighbor Lady is the most bestest neighbor I could ever hope for in a million years. When she is at my house and my back is turned my grocery list (a whiteboard on my fridge) ends up looking like this:

• Milk
• Soy milk
• Tassels
  
• KY Jelly
• Lunch meat
• Anal beads
• Cock ring

Need I say more? She's funny and vulgar, has a suspicious addiction to Myspace (she's younger than I am so I give her a pass on that), has two kids and is married. She is also in the middle of an IVF cycle to get knocked up for a nice couple. I've been curious about gestational surrogacy in the past and now I get to see it right next door! How exciting! I've never had a neighbor friend before, so having someone that I can bug for a cup of ice (yes, I needed REALLY cold water and was out of ice) is fantastic. She is a SAHM, which means someone that I can bug during the new mother times when I can't be bothered to leave the house with more than pajamas on but still need adult interaction. WIN! WIN! My only problem is that a recent friendship turned horribly wrong has left me slightly jaded in the new friend department. What if she freaks the fuck out and threatens to ruin my life, my family, and my career (ha ha ha career!)? Oh, you say that kind of thing only happens on the innernets? Well I certainly fucking hope so.

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A few of you mentioned that this blog could turn into a "All Chicken All The Time" blog and it would be a vast improvement. Or something like that, right? Sadly, the chickens aren't interesting enough for that much posting goodness. However! I do have a short chicken story. This weekend, the Sam household was in the backyard building a chicken coop for The Girls. I have started to call them The Girls in hopes that they all cooperate and turn out to be girls. The Girls prefer to stay in group formation at all times, wandering around the backyard pecking at bits of nothing in the weeds. Reina Cat Full of Fear and Fascination decided to stalk the chickens in full-on crouched down "I'm a big cat and going to run you down and then I don't know what will happen" mode. Creeping forward she drew closer to The Girls, inching her way to victory over Fear of Chickens.

It was all going so well until The Girls noticed Reina and began to charge her with exciting squeals of "HI FRIEND! OMG IT'S FRIEND!! HI!! FRIEND!!" This sounds like "cluck cluck cluck" to the untrained ear but trust me-those chickens were delighted to see their indoor friend outside in the great beyond. As they ran to greet Reina, the poor cat lost her shit, turned tail, ran away, and tried to hide behind the air conditioning unit. I can't wait until George is full grown, because she will weigh just as much as Reina. HA HA HA. Can you imagine? Actually, through the marvels of the innernets, you don't have to imagine shit. This is a picture of a full-grown Black Jersey Giant hen. You know what is more fun than searching for hens? Searching for Black Jersey Giant cock. My life is very full and interesting, huh?

Chicken Update And FAIL

Monkey and SisB bugged me on Twitter about the chickens, so I took a few pictures and now you all are subject to my chicken insanity.
Here are the three stooges perched on the edge of their baby chicken coop. Most of the day they are tucked safely inside, however we let them perch up here and discuss politics for part of the day.

Pecker, AKA Peck is obsessed with the freckle on the back of my right hand. That fucker pecks it every time I put my hand near him. He also loves to eat crickets.

George is the largest by size but the least developed in the adult feather area. I loves him. He is sooo cute. I really hope he is a she.

Beck has amazing feathers already! I believe the extra energy she saves by being pathologically stupid she has channeled into feather growth.


This is the baby coop. It gets cleaned out every day but OMFG can chickens shit up a shit-storm. Eventually this will be turned on its side and become the egg-laying area with three nests for the chickens if they all turn out to have va-jay-jays. *crosses fingers* The coop has a heat light that we are currently using only at night but originally was on 24/7 to keep them warm. Chickens in the "wild" would stay with their mommies for 6-8 weeks. The coop will stay in my laundry room until the chickens are big enough to live in their big girl coop in the backyard. No, we haven't built the big coop yet. My laundry room has a door on it to keep curious cats from midnight snacking.

Ever seen a chicken's comb as it grows in on their heads? Me either. It's very cute.

Beck is totally unaware that fear and danger lurk behind her. Reina is afraid of the chickens and yet is biologically programmed to want them in her mouth. The fear is currently winning out, and fairly soon they will be big enough to chase her around the house and yard. The chickens are curious but completely unafraid. How do chickens show curiousity? By pecking at things. Reina does not appreciate this at all. It cracks me up. I am easily amused.

Look at how big my George is already. Remember a few weeks ago when I could hold him inside one hand? They grow up so fast.

Have you ever heard about grain-fed free range chickens? How they only eat wholesome grains and get to run around outside all day? I call total bullshit because chickens? Are NOT vegetarians. Those fuckers will eat a bug so fast your fucking head will spin. We are giving them crickets as treats and they run and trample each other for joy of munching down on crunchy goodness. Except for Beck. She will watch Peck and George run and catch and eat the crickets while she scratches her head and attempts to figure out what the fuck is going on with her sisters. We have to hold the other two, give her a cricket and wait patiently until she manages to eat it. She would starve in the great outdoors but we love her anyway.

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Wondering about the FAIL in the title? I sort of failed my gestational diabetes glucose test. The cut-off in my doctor's office is 140 and I scored 146. I almost cried when he told me today. Fuuuuuck. More on that later when I feel less sorry for myself.

Happy 12th Birthday

When Chicken was in 5th grade he authored a state report on Rhode Island. Part of his research was investigating the state bird, the Rhode Island Red. It's a chicken, people. The state bird is a friggin' chicken. An adorable, social, good egg-layer, but nevertheless a chicken. Chicken fell in love and decided that one day, he would own a Rhode Island Red of his very own. I promised him that he could have a chicken when we owned our own home. Guess what we picked up for his birthday? A chicken! Actually, three chickens were adopted today. The feed store got three different breeds in today and we picked one of each so they would be a happy and diverse chicken family. Two of them are Chicken's, and one is mine.
The reddish one is Beck. She is a Rhode Island Red hen and the calmest of the three so Chicken named her Beck after the singer's cool tunes. The middle one is a black Jersey Giant hen, I named George. (Bonus points if you can tell me why I named her George.) The one on the right is a Silver Laced Wyandotte hen named Pecker, or Peck for short. She's the most fiesty.

Could George be any cuter? I think not.