Sniff And Switch

Guess what I did today? No WAY! You totally guessed it! Aren't I totally cute with my boobies and my belly? Yes, I am feeling full of myself today. Nice change, huh? Virginia Belle recently commented about my awesome boobies, saying something to the effect of, "Haven't you always had boobs?" Why yes, VB I have! However, there is a difference between 34B and 36C. (The 36C boobs are illustrated to the left) I know they don't look like much, but imagine me with a flat tummy and BAM! there they are, all happy and boob-like.

For those of you that know me well, you might be saying, "Self, why the fuck is Sam wearing a Lake Elsinore Storms baseball cap? She is neither a fan of Lake Elsinore nor baseball." The answer is simple, actually. Every year TB's office has a baseball day where everyone and their brother are invited to a Storms game and there are hot dogs, hamburgers, and games for the kids. Free. This year it was free hat night. Whee! Now I have a beach hat and I am very happy and cute in my hat.

I swear there is a greater reason for this post other than HAT!! and BOOBS!!! although I believe that those two things are awesome in their own right. Chicken and I had a great afternoon at the beach. We went to Tamarack beach in Carlsbad, my stomping grounds about twenty years ago. Fuck I am old. On the way there Chicken and I saw a van advertising a plumbing company that was open "23 1/4 hours a day" with a local phone number. Well what the fuck does that mean? Which forty-five minutes of the day should I not call this particular company? Is it in the middle of the night, when an emergency plumber is needed RIGHT THEN? Or is it at two in the afternoon? I needed to know.

I had Chicken call the company as we were driving behind the van. Apparently, (according to the lady that answered the phone and not any official spokesperson) the 23 1/4 hours is a marketing gimmick. They are open 24 hours a day like any other emergency plumbing service. It was hilarious listening to Chicken trying to explain his question to the befuddled woman on the other end of the phone, though. "But which 45 minutes are you closed?" "I don't understand the question." "Just in case I have an emergency I need to know which 45 minutes in the day you are closed." "I'm not sure what you mean, sir." "You have a van, it says..." and so on went the conversation until she said marketing blah blah and he said, "Isn't that false advertising if you are actually open 24 hours a day?" and she was nonplussed. I was very amused.

I learned a bit about peeing at the beach today. If you are standing in ankle-deep water, not yet very wet and get startled, you might pee a little in your dry bathing suit. If you are fully in the water and it is waist deep and you have to pee like the dickens you will not be able to squeeze out one fucking drop. You will be forced to walk a great distance to a very dirty bathroom instead.

I don't know about all beaches in this world, or even in this state. I do know San Diego beaches pretty fucking well after living half my life close to the beach. Currently there are areas for surfing and areas for swimming. The two are not combined, which I think is great for surfers and swimmers alike. The next step is to have separate showers. Today Chicken was rinsing off at the outdoor shower thingy (similar to the one pictured but with four sides) and a surfer dude lost his grip on his surfboard that he was rinsing. The board tipped and landed nose first on Chicken's chest, causing Chicken to panic, run for me and hit the ground at my feet. I recognized the look on his face and actions as classic "oh my fuck I just got the wind knocked out of me and I think I am going to die" and held him until he could breathe. After that he wouldn't go near the shower until there were no surfers around, the poor boy.

On the way home I decided that I needed to live closer to the beach. This desert crap is for pussies, and not the good type, either. The green, lumpy, rotten, discharge spewing kind and the kind that won't put out. I have been away far too long and I am holding my breathe until TB figures out a way to make it work. Or until I need to breathe again.

I Gots Me A Hairscut

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Self, I wonder what Sam looks like when Teddy Bear is taking a picture of her and he is in his boxers and his package flops out?" Now you know. You are quite welcome! By the way, I got my hair cut today. It hasn't been this short in more than a decade. I haven't felt this cute in FOREVER. Hey-look at me! I feel cute!! Also? I seem to be in possession of a RACK. At least what qualifies as a rack in my world. I was thinking that going much shorter with my hair would give me an air of maturity. Mail's bride called me a pixie. FAIL. However, I look so damn cute that I don't care. Just call me the Queen of Modesty. You don't have to curtsy. Unless you really want to and it gives me a better view of your rack.

Someplace Worth Visiting

I love Post Secret, and yesterday there was a link for a worthy and interesting cause, orphaned pictures! Have you ever lost a camera, film, pictures, or a memory card? Visit Found Cameras and Orphan Pictures and perhaps you will be reunited with your long lost memories. Have you found someone's pictures? Drop them a line. You can read the details on the blog. In the spirit of community, I'd like to encourage you to write a brief post of your own, link to the site or send readers here if you're too lazy to explain the concept. I think it's a good thing.

Another random tidbit from Sam...Teddy Bear introduced me to Kate Nash a few days ago. It's not my normal cup of tea, but I have found myself enjoying the kicky/ranty/happiness/bitterness of it all. Especially "Dickhead" because we've all had times when we thought our significant other was a total, fucking DICKHEAD!*

Dickhead

Foundation


*This in no way reflects my current feelings toward Teddy Bear, who fixed the shit out of my poor ten-year old Honda Civic this weekend. Yay for the Happy Honda! Damn I need a new car.

Hangin' Brains

Have you noticed that scary bedtime stories are no longer in style? Scaring your children into good behavior is not quite as acceptable as it once was, and parents today are left with the daunting task of finding something, anything, to make our children behave. When we can't scare them with Boogey Monsters living under the bed or in the closet, we can't beat the shit out of them with a stick, we can't lock them in their rooms without supper (for a couple of days) what can a politically correct parent do? I have found the perfect solution for boys aged 11-15! Cisco Balls. During the prepubescent and early puberty stages, boys will do simply anything to fit in with their peers. Does your son need to:

• Clean his room
• Wash his hair
• Walk the dog
• Do the dishes
• Do his homework
• Turn off that damn rock music

Then you need Cisco Balls. Patented balls of doom and dismay, these balls will guarantee complete obedience from sons, step-sons, and the little red-headed boy down the street that walks funny and has a lisp. What better threat than "If you don't do as I say RIGHT NOW your balls are going to look like Cisco Adler's before you are 30 years old!" Are you ready to see this innovative product? I bet you are!

This link is NSFW. Or children, or people with morals, taste or a righteous fear of Satan. Click HERE.

*BTW, Cisco Adler is 29 years old according to multiple innernet sources.

The Virgin River

The continuing story of my road trip to bury my father... In these pictures we were going through the Virgin River Pass, which happens to be my favorite part of the trip between San Diego, CA and St. George, UT. The journey is about 30 miles cut through the mountain pass with the river a constant companion. The colors are remarkable, as are the rock formations. Of course, the actual driving of the windy road at semi-ridiculous speeds is my joy. I love that stretch of Interstate 15! As always, click on any picture to get the higher resolution goodness!

We noticed a small fire in the moutains, and I begged TB to get some shots. Thank you my Sweet!

Out of the Virgin River Pass, and on to Utah!

And just because I love you all so much, here's a satellite hybrid map of the area for you to enjoy!