Random Fuck Factor or RFF

I tend to wander around the house wearing only undies when Lefty isn't going overboard with early milky production. Eventually I find clothing but I'm not very concerned about it unless I need to leave the house. Today I realized why I should keep Lefty and (damn I forgot the right one's name) contained more often. Teddy Bear walked up to me, grabbed Lefty, hoisted it in the proper direction and used my fucking TIT as a laser to shoot the cats. This display of maturity included the mandatory laser sounds. Obviously, Chicken thought it was hilarious and mused that some day soon I would likely be able to shoot the cats with milk and OH THE JOY of having another boy, right?

Teddy Bear left town to go to a geek festival with a friend. I am slightly worried that he will come back on Monday afraid of me and teh pussy. All that geekiness flowing around cannot be good for a full-grown man, right? Oh, yeah. I forgot that he's one that used my tit as a laser. Never mind.

In case you are a crazy stalker person I should warn you that TB gave me explicit instructions to follow during his vacation:

1. No strange penis is allowed
2. As an afterthought he added no familiar penis, either.

He did not, however, forbid pussy either strange or familiar. WOOT! I also should say that I am heavily armed and somewhat dangerous given the fact that I am crazy. TB looked at me wrong yesterday and I FUCKING CRIED. Like a little girl. Did I ever mention that when my father died he left me a shit-ton of gun and gun related paraphenalia? And I just spelled paraphenalia correctly on the first try without spell check because I rock. TB has finally started poking through all my father's gun stuff and I think I might have facilitated the creation of a monster. One that joins gun forums and reloads his own ammo. Chicken is not into the actual shooting of guns at this point but is enjoying the task of reloading with TB. Whatever it takes for that boy to get the fuck out of my vagina is good in my book.

Speaking of Chicken and my vagina, OMFUCK how needy can an 11 year old boy be? I know the changes with school and house buying and baby coming are to blame but sometimes I worry that I will wake up and he will be dangling out of my body. He has always gone through phases where he is more needy and then more self-sufficient but I cannot wait for school to start. Homeschooling is terribly fucked up in this household and I applaud any parent that can do it without resorting to violence.

Next week "real" school starts and we are done with homeschooling and I cannot believe that in a week and a half of homeschooling I want to die and crawl under my bed. Chicken pushes and pushes and FUCKING PUSHES every step of the way with whining and excuses and cat petting and pencil sharpening and OH FUCK JUST DO IT ALREADY AND BE DONE WITH IT. He is somewhat better with chores, but basically this is how he is when he doesn't want to do something. He takes all damn day to do a few simple tasks and then is surprised when he doesn't have any time to play. I have no idea how to fix this without inserting myself up his ass every second of the day to ensure that he does stuff in a timely manner. Bribing doesn't work at all. I could promise him the world and at the end of the day he is upset because time ran out due to his fucking around. AHHHHHHHH! He's lucky he is cute.

Nookie

Last night there was fabulous nookie in the Sam household. Normally, I do not speak of such things in blogland due to modesty and good taste. However, there was bloggability in the aftermath of the nookie and I always bow to the funny for the betterment of my readers. For reasons that I shall not disclose, a jimmy hat was utilized in the nookie last night. By the way, the picture I linked to explaining jimmy hat is worth clicking on even if you have a fairly good idea what a jimmy hat is already. I am a giver.

There was nookie, and then there was a condom wrapper left on Teddy Bear's bedside table. This morning, Chicken climbed into bed with me upon awakening as usual and proceeded to read for an hour before pestering the shit out of me and forcing me to do that whole parenting thing. This has been our ritual for a good part of this summer, the early morning cuddle/snooze festival. After I was awake and semi-functional I was chided by the boy for not ensuring that TB had thrown away the condom wrapper that he of course noticed. For a moment I was apologetic and then I told Chicken that mommys and daddys have sex and he is freaking old enough to get the fuck over it already.

Later at dinner the condom wrapper was brought up (we're classy like that) and TB stated that he left it there on purpose for Chicken to see. Apparently, Chicken had been leaving a pile of dirty tissues on TB's bedside table from his morning reading time. TB didn't appreciate the pile of trash and the wrapper was his way of saying THROW YOUR SHIT AWAY DUDE AND I WILL TOO. Excellent parenting I must say.

There was a lull in the dinner table conversation as we all stuffed our faces with tacos and then TB mentioned that even though I hated him, he bought me flowers last night and then GOT LAID. *ahem* We're still at the dinner table with Chicken and here is where I get a bit flustered and maybe even embarrassed because for fuck's sake one should not hear one's step-father brag about getting LAID. Stating for the record that sex between consenting adults is one thing, bragging is another. No one likes a braggart, Teddy Bear.

For the record, I don't hate Teddy Bear. I am simply a little less tolerant of people burping full sentences and killing entire acres of good, clean air with one's asshole right now.

Chicken Says

"When two people love each other very much..."

and then he hands me this:

Total Dick Move

Teddy Bear is in Alabama right now. We were talking on the phone when he mentioned plans to have Ruth's Chris for dinner. Fucking asshole. Then he started to ask me for advice regarding taking a nap before dinner. WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE?! Like sleeping and Ruth's Chris aren't two of the most awesome things in the world and my ass is stuck driving to my mother's to attend a candle party this evening. I can't even drink to dull the pain, fuckwad. My response to Teddy Bear:

"I would rather you say that you are going to a dirty whore house and get your dick sucked than going to Ruth's Chris after taking a fucking nap you asshole. That would be more acceptable in my opinion."

Fucker.

Gmail Chat

Teddy Bear and I are currently working on our respective weights. I'm trying to gain a decent amount of weight and he is trying to lose some weight. In case you were wondering, I am 5'4" and small boned, TB is 6'3" and big boned with more muscle than a video game playing computer geek should rightly possess. This post isn't so much about weight as it is the funny little man that I married.

Sam: this mornings weight: 137.2

Teddy Bear: i weighed 157.8 this mornin

Sam: awesome
you = right direction
...
um, honey
did you remove a leg this morning?
or both legs?

Teddy Bear: hehe
257.8 then
whoops

Sam: yeah

Teddy Bear: had teh penis on the counter ;)

Sam: LMAO

Discussion Continued

Teddy Bear forgot the avocado, and yes I did write it down on the list, complete with a compare and contrast description to the physical properties of titties. With the help of Bleu we have determined that fake boobies were probably better than real ones when selecting avocados. You're welcome.

As I was taking apart the rotisserie chicken for the splendid salad I was creating I saw the wish bone and grabbed that fucker into my greedy little hands. Teddy Bear took hold of one side, I had the other, we wished and we pulled. I lost and TB exclaimed, "I'm getting a blow job tonight!" Fucker.

Random Conversation

When we have company (rarely) the Teddy Bear and the Chicken tend to show off their stuff a bit. Eliza, sitting innocently on the couch eating her Greek salad was not prepared for the onslaught of nastiness this evening. Teddy Bear was instructing Chicken on what to pack for an overnight when the subject of condoms came up. Eliza choked, looked a bit ill, screamed "God-dammit y'all I am from the South," and Chicken deftly proclaimed that "His friend's mother, great-grandmother or three little sisters were not an option." Where I added that condoms were necessary for butt sex as well as the penis-in-vagina type.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnd! Here is my teaching moment:

"Chicken, you need condoms for butt sex as well as sex involving a vagina. Can you tell me why?"

"Because of STD's. And also because you don't want to get shit in your pee hole."

"It is called your urethra, young man," Teddy Bear intones. "If he takes sex ed in school he must use the proper names."

Penis

I was hanging out over at Monkey's place and I read about this link. I thought to myself, "Self, this is a good teaching moment for the Chicken. We can talk about The Penis and The Foreskin! Chicken will be able to see that The Penis comes in all shapes and sizes! How fabulous!" When Chicken came home we went through the website and there are some things that happened/were said by my Chicken that I cannot even publish OMG. There was a blogable moment, however, when Chicken said, "Okay I get it! (In that impatient, please shut up now voice) What, did you think I was going to be racist about penises?" I guess he's not insecure, then, huh?