I Came All Over My Kitchen

This post is slightly embarrassing for me to write, for two wildly different reasons. Or maybe three different reasons? Whatever. One, I have yet to post the winner of the poo book contest. I Swear On Baby Jeebus that I will post the winner tomorrow. I also swear that I have some seriously legitimate reasons for not posting in the last week or so, which is my second reason for embarrassment. I have been busy with a minor kitchen remodel. In light of all the monetary and earthquakery suffering that has been going on in the world I feel like an asshat to talk about the amazing shit that has been going on in my kitchen. My third OMG EMBARRASSED is showing the world pictures of my kitchen and then asking for your opinion on something. Because although I really want your opinion it feels a little like exposing my soft underbelly. And then more of the feeling stupid for having the ability to make my kitchen pretty. And talking about it. You may take me out back and shoot me now.

So! Let's ignore the previous paragraph of shame and get to the pictures and opinion giving, okay?

This is what my original counter top and back splash looked like (pretend the pic was a true "before" shot and I hadn't already started to hack at it), all white tile with Grout of Horror. I fucking hate tile counter tops. HATE. The grout would mock me, saying, "I could be cleaner, you know." Bastard.


This is the counter after all the demo work was completed. TB and I did all the demo and removal work. It saved us money and I got to imagine certain that I was taking out my frustrations on certain people. It was very theraputic.

Here is what this half of my kitchen looks like tonight. The Corian counters were laid professionally. I LOVE THEM. The tile back splash is my handiwork. Looking at the picture above is where you might be able to understand me having a medium-sized kitchen-gasm. It was a lot of work, but ooooh so pretty.


Here is where your esteemed opinion comes in, mah innernet peeps. Do you like the pencil molding tile on the top of the 1" squares or not? (above with, below without)



You may have to click on the pic and scrutinize the tile a bit. I haven't sealed or grouted the tile yet, but you can get an idea of what it will look like. I am leaning toward without, but I don't know how much of it is based on the price of the pencil molding. It is three-ish dollars per eight inch piece.

In conjunction with our the kitchen makeover, my lovely MIL was visiting to help wrangle Egg while we kicked the shit out of the tile. So, having Egg determine the winner of the poo contest with pictures and all was not possible without acting totally bizarre or telling her what I was doing. Neither seemed acceptable so you all were left hanging. So sorry! Tomorrow, poo book winner!

Neighbor Lady and Chickens!

I moved last month into a house that is perfectly normal in most every way with the exception of my next door neighbor. I need to give her a blog name but currently my creative side is kaput. For the moment, how about Neighbor Lady? Yes, awesome and inspiring I am. Neighbor Lady is the most bestest neighbor I could ever hope for in a million years. When she is at my house and my back is turned my grocery list (a whiteboard on my fridge) ends up looking like this:

• Milk
• Soy milk
• Tassels
  
• KY Jelly
• Lunch meat
• Anal beads
• Cock ring

Need I say more? She's funny and vulgar, has a suspicious addiction to Myspace (she's younger than I am so I give her a pass on that), has two kids and is married. She is also in the middle of an IVF cycle to get knocked up for a nice couple. I've been curious about gestational surrogacy in the past and now I get to see it right next door! How exciting! I've never had a neighbor friend before, so having someone that I can bug for a cup of ice (yes, I needed REALLY cold water and was out of ice) is fantastic. She is a SAHM, which means someone that I can bug during the new mother times when I can't be bothered to leave the house with more than pajamas on but still need adult interaction. WIN! WIN! My only problem is that a recent friendship turned horribly wrong has left me slightly jaded in the new friend department. What if she freaks the fuck out and threatens to ruin my life, my family, and my career (ha ha ha career!)? Oh, you say that kind of thing only happens on the innernets? Well I certainly fucking hope so.

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A few of you mentioned that this blog could turn into a "All Chicken All The Time" blog and it would be a vast improvement. Or something like that, right? Sadly, the chickens aren't interesting enough for that much posting goodness. However! I do have a short chicken story. This weekend, the Sam household was in the backyard building a chicken coop for The Girls. I have started to call them The Girls in hopes that they all cooperate and turn out to be girls. The Girls prefer to stay in group formation at all times, wandering around the backyard pecking at bits of nothing in the weeds. Reina Cat Full of Fear and Fascination decided to stalk the chickens in full-on crouched down "I'm a big cat and going to run you down and then I don't know what will happen" mode. Creeping forward she drew closer to The Girls, inching her way to victory over Fear of Chickens.

It was all going so well until The Girls noticed Reina and began to charge her with exciting squeals of "HI FRIEND! OMG IT'S FRIEND!! HI!! FRIEND!!" This sounds like "cluck cluck cluck" to the untrained ear but trust me-those chickens were delighted to see their indoor friend outside in the great beyond. As they ran to greet Reina, the poor cat lost her shit, turned tail, ran away, and tried to hide behind the air conditioning unit. I can't wait until George is full grown, because she will weigh just as much as Reina. HA HA HA. Can you imagine? Actually, through the marvels of the innernets, you don't have to imagine shit. This is a picture of a full-grown Black Jersey Giant hen. You know what is more fun than searching for hens? Searching for Black Jersey Giant cock. My life is very full and interesting, huh?

Covered In Paint, Send Help

OMG. Exhausted. Hot. Feet like great big ole sausages. Ninety-fucking-eight degrees outside this afternoon. Thanks for the cool weather, season of fall in southern California. I'm loving every cool breeze and leaf-turning deliciousness of it all. Fuck you. I will be mostly out of commission for this week while painting and flooring and general chaos occur. Funny side note: I'm at the new place stealing one of my new neighbors wireless connection and they named their wireless "I love dead babies :) " complete with smiley face. Awesome. I prefer live babies but whatever, I'm a whore for the innernets and we won't have it here until Thursday I believe. We are moving in on Saturday. Want to enjoy a few pictures? Sure you do! Here:

This is the baby's room, painted blue on top and pale yellow on the bottom. Also, my comfy outside lounge chair that Teddy Bear brought over to the new house for me to take breaks in and keep my fat feets up. There will be a brown something or other added to the room later. I'll post a pic when it is done while trying to SQUEE!!! BABY!!! ROOM!!! somewhat quietly.
Look! The corner of the living room! The new wood floor, new ceiling fan/light, a yellowish wall and a pumpkinish wall. Before the walls were white and the floor was ugly gray carpet. Yuck. The stupid fireplace and random television nook that our tv won't fit into are being torn out by TB after we are moved and such.
Lastly you must pretend that are you standing somewhat in front of the tv nook looking back at the rest of the living area. Got it? You are looking at the front door, part of the kitchen and the hallway to the master bedroom. Exciting! I will try to get better pictures for your amusement when the work is finished. Now I must go elevate my poor fatty feets.

Sorry For The Radio Silence

Between the house buying stress and gestating I have had too much in my brain to blog coherently. My brain looks like this on the inside:

• paint!
• carpet!
• wood floor!
• spackle!
• packing!
• signing docs!
• baby kicked!
• omg my stomach is moving!
• please remove my hips!
• when the fuck will escrow close!
• appliances!
• need sleep!
• want to nest!
• AHHHHHH!

See? Not a great post. In other news, I've opened a new, private blog in order to discuss things that I cannot discuss in a public forum. If you would like an invite, leave a comment or email me. I need an email address from you to invite you and I need to know you either from you commenting here or from me reading your blog. Got it? Great. Good times, people. Good times.

Smoky Smoke Smoking

Remember the picture I posted of the little mountain to the south of my house? Here's what it looks like now:
Notice the lack of mountain? Nice, huh? I have heard that evacuations have started in the most southern part of [redacted], however that has NOT been confirmed. The fire has not crested whatever the fuck it's name is Mountain at this point. See the sun? This picture was taken at about 4:00pm PST. It should be bright daylight outside.

My classes are canceled for the week, and Chicken's school is shut down tomorrow due to air quality. This morning the air was fairly decent, and by this afternoon it was like sitting around a campfire. I'm over this now, okay?

New House

(picture removed)
Remember how I moved (September 1st) and you asked for pictures and I said "yes" and then I promptly forgot to post them? Sorry! Here is a snapshot that Chicken took of me the morning of the move. Yes, it's not the best picture of me or the house, but LOOK! house! whee!

The wall behind me that looks yellow IS yellow but not THAT yellow. If you know what I mean. Also, Jeremy commented about me posting on topics that don't really move people to chime in and talk about stuff. Any topics that I should babble about? More pictures, road trips, school, penises (peni?), the big ole hairy vagina I saw one day in the locker room at the gym? I'm having trouble thinking with all the damn writing I am doing for school. Gah, the writing about feelings and teaching and learners and curriculum and culture and diversity and bah.

OMFG. Teddy Bear just walked up to me after farting and he trailed the shit (not literal shit, just the smell of it, fresh and rotting. Can things be fresh and rotting at the same time?) and STINKS Oh Lordy STENCH, I'm dying here. Fuck (I just had to put one "fuck" in there for good measure).