Poop Giveaway!
Remember when I said I purchased "What's Your Poo Telling You?" and I said when I finished reading it I would give it away to my dear readers? Well, that time has come. Fucking finally, huh? I think after the last two posts we all need some laughs and poop. Here's how it will work, official rules and all that:1. Post a comment with your best poo story. It must involve poo from your ass or your immediate family's ass. No stranger poo stories!
2. Your comment must be on this post by 12:00am PST Saturday, January 15, 2010. That's 3am on the east coast for you non-math types.
3. I will have my official number drawing baby pull a number at random out of a jar. I will post a picture of the drawing! Cute babies pictures! YAY!
4. The winner must give me an address to mail the book to, and I will PERSONALLY AND WITHOUT MALICE sign the book for you. Personalized inscriptions are 20 cents extra, tax included. (Kidding! It's free! Unless you want to send me twenty cents!)
4b. I will post the winning poo story with a link back to the winner's blog (if applicable). If you would like to remain anonymous to the innernets at large, please say so in your comment!
5. On the day that I announce the winner, I will post my MOST TERRIBLE poo story EVAR!! Involving CAR and FULL TERM PREGNANCY poo. So terrible that it has never been told on Sam's Stories. Hopefully that day will be the Monday immediately following the end of the giveaway contest thingy.
6. If you have any questions, please contact me at samsstories at gmail dot com.
7. This giveaway is not sponsored, paid, threatened or containing blow jobs. I purchased the book with
Now, you might be wondering how to describe your poo accurately. I have a handy chart for you! This way we all can fully understand what type of poo you or your family member is having in the story. When I first found this chart I meant to post about it, and then fucking life and diaper changes got in my way. But today! I present the Bristol Stool Chart. Very handy for daily discussion of your poo with friends, family, neighbors, and people on public transportation. I especially like using this when on a lengthy flight. People really appreciate this kind of information!Labels: Backend, Giveaway, Poop, Wheaty Issues, WTF
posted by Sam at
1:00 PM
0 Comments:
Shortly after having my gall bladder removed I discovered what it's like to be poo-intolerant, meaning if there is poo in me it MUST COME OUT IMMEDIATELY because well, it just does. Lack of gall bladder results in crazy fast journey from mouth to toilet for your foods. It's fun. And there is no stopping this shit (pun? why yes!) when it's on the move. More than once I have done a bun-clenching waddle to a public toilet only to blow out the bottom (another pun? score!) of the thing. Have I mentioned how much fun this is? I have learned to plan greasy meals with a stealth and strategy knowing exactly where a restroom will be for the remainder of the evening, just in case the poo decides to wait around and SURPRISE!
Once while shopping in Walmart, you got it, SURPRISE! poo and the buns clenched. I had a precocious, very verbal 2 year old at the time and while I don't normally enjoy SURPRISE! poos in front of company this time I had no choice. I shuffled hurriedly to the restrooms, grabbed the toddler out of the cart while hoping the exertion doesn't cause mortal embarrassment, busted through the bathroom door, waddled to the end of the row to the handicapped stall, slammed the stall door shut, dropped and let 'er rip, tater chip. Abby is standing where I planted her in the middle of the handicapped stall and threatened her to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, watching the whole thing go down. Finally, the explosions end and I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it and my underwear was saved. She walked slowly over to me, put her little hand on my arm, cocked her head to one side and said, "Awww....bleff you widdle hawt, honey. You okay now? SHOO! OH MOMMA, YOU STEEEEEENKY!"
Oh man. I have so many I can't even figure out what to choose.
Here's one I wrote about my mom. It doesn't quite fit the criteria I know, but it's pretty damn funny:
http://oscarelli.blogspot.com/2008/11/its-not-even-mine-story-about-my-mom.html
I was a teenager, and a fatty. Bulimia wasn't quite doing it for me, so I decided to go on the laxative diet, because I'm classy like that.
I was working a summer job at famous footwear at the time at this rarely shopped failure of an outlet mall, and it was late fall. I went out to my car on my lunch break to pop some more laxies and have my sandwich and cigarette. As I was sitting there, I eeked out a fart.
Except I shit my pants.
Well, I couldn't exactly go in and tell my boss I needed to go home due to shitting my pants, I hadn't been working there for more than a couple weeks. So, I finished my cigarette, I went inside to the bathroom, wiped myself off with wettened paper towels, threw out my purple panties in the paper towel trash, and went back to work.
I am certain I smelled like shit for the rest of my shift. No one said anything, and I was left alone for the rest of the day.
In the end, I ended up stealing a couple pairs of shoes from that place after seeing how other thieves did it, and failing the personality test that is required to become full time from being seasonal. I didn't fart without sitting on a toilet for months after the incident, even after I decided that laxatives weren't doing shit (HA!) and stopped taking them.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home