Procrastination
Procrastination is the beginning of many posts for bloggers I am willing to bet. I am currently procrastinating dealing with PAPERWORK. Oh how I fucking hate dealing with the mound of papers, most of which will end up in recycling anyway. Why they can't get their on their own I have no clue. Papers be gone!
Since we are here enjoying a stolen moment, I'd like to talk about May. Specifically why I only posted one single fucking time in May. Yes, it was partially Egg and taking care of the house, but mostly it was because I had something so big in my head that I couldn't think of anything else. And yet I wasn't sure if I could write about this thing. You know how Dooce once said that eventually the one person that you don't want to read your blog will read it? I was worried about my step-mother-in-law, (we'll call her Smile because I am awesomely creative) reading my blog if I talked about what was happening. And then I finally came to terms with the fact that I needed to talk about it. I need advice and support and whatever you dear readers can provide. Because this shit is driving me nuts.
Teddy Bear has a step-brother that is twenty-five years old and he has a drug problem. The kind of drug problem that lands him in jail more than he is out of jail. He overdoses, drives under the influence, steals, lies, passes out naked in various inappropriate places (seriously, this guy LOVES to get high and nude). His mother (Smile) and step-father (TB's bio dad) support him. He gets money for food, a place to live, a used car every 6 months or so (they get impounded eventually), and had not yet been forced to get a full-time job and clean up his act. He has had issues his whole life. And he has relied on his mother taking care of him his whole life. I don't think he is a bad person, I just think he is missing something that drives people to grow up and be sober.
Most of the time StepBro isn't an issue-he is in jail. But when he is out of jail TB and I avoid going to Smile's house because we don't want to be around him. We managed to do this without pissing Smile off due to creative stories and a bit of old-fashioned lying. We did not want to come out and say, "Sorry! We don't want to be around your son" for fear of royally pissing her off. Well, then Egg was born. And TB's sister came into town to visit Egg. And everyone was invited to have dinner at Smile's house. We said we would certainly be there, until we found out that StepBro was fresh out of jail and at Smile's house. Fuck. We declined. The shit hit the motherfucking fan, and eventually we received a nasty letter from Smile.
We haven't gone to Smile's house since. We have said (through TB's dad) that we won't bring our children there if StepBro is there, and the response is that StepBro is always welcome at Smile's house. TB's dad is currently limited to breakfast on Saturday mornings with us, away from his home with Smile. He has said that Smile will not even look at pictures of Egg, the first grandchild and one that she loved dearly.
So! I need your comments, please n thank you. What do you think about this? TB and I want StepBro to have some number of months of sobriety behind him before we even consider bringing Egg and Chicken around him. In addition, there is a restraining order that states StepBro is not to be with his mother, step-father, or at their house. So the cops could potentially show up and arrest him for violating his probation, a situation that I do not think is one that any child should have to witness. This seriously sucks, people. It makes my head and my heart hurt.
Since we are here enjoying a stolen moment, I'd like to talk about May. Specifically why I only posted one single fucking time in May. Yes, it was partially Egg and taking care of the house, but mostly it was because I had something so big in my head that I couldn't think of anything else. And yet I wasn't sure if I could write about this thing. You know how Dooce once said that eventually the one person that you don't want to read your blog will read it? I was worried about my step-mother-in-law, (we'll call her Smile because I am awesomely creative) reading my blog if I talked about what was happening. And then I finally came to terms with the fact that I needed to talk about it. I need advice and support and whatever you dear readers can provide. Because this shit is driving me nuts.
Teddy Bear has a step-brother that is twenty-five years old and he has a drug problem. The kind of drug problem that lands him in jail more than he is out of jail. He overdoses, drives under the influence, steals, lies, passes out naked in various inappropriate places (seriously, this guy LOVES to get high and nude). His mother (Smile) and step-father (TB's bio dad) support him. He gets money for food, a place to live, a used car every 6 months or so (they get impounded eventually), and had not yet been forced to get a full-time job and clean up his act. He has had issues his whole life. And he has relied on his mother taking care of him his whole life. I don't think he is a bad person, I just think he is missing something that drives people to grow up and be sober.
Most of the time StepBro isn't an issue-he is in jail. But when he is out of jail TB and I avoid going to Smile's house because we don't want to be around him. We managed to do this without pissing Smile off due to creative stories and a bit of old-fashioned lying. We did not want to come out and say, "Sorry! We don't want to be around your son" for fear of royally pissing her off. Well, then Egg was born. And TB's sister came into town to visit Egg. And everyone was invited to have dinner at Smile's house. We said we would certainly be there, until we found out that StepBro was fresh out of jail and at Smile's house. Fuck. We declined. The shit hit the motherfucking fan, and eventually we received a nasty letter from Smile.
We haven't gone to Smile's house since. We have said (through TB's dad) that we won't bring our children there if StepBro is there, and the response is that StepBro is always welcome at Smile's house. TB's dad is currently limited to breakfast on Saturday mornings with us, away from his home with Smile. He has said that Smile will not even look at pictures of Egg, the first grandchild and one that she loved dearly.
So! I need your comments, please n thank you. What do you think about this? TB and I want StepBro to have some number of months of sobriety behind him before we even consider bringing Egg and Chicken around him. In addition, there is a restraining order that states StepBro is not to be with his mother, step-father, or at their house. So the cops could potentially show up and arrest him for violating his probation, a situation that I do not think is one that any child should have to witness. This seriously sucks, people. It makes my head and my heart hurt.
Labels: Some Fucked Up Shit, Stepbro, Suck Ass
posted by Sam at
4:18 PM
14 Comments:
It's very reasonable to expect 3-6mo of sobriety before bringing your children around him. That's what I would do. And then I wouldn't go all the time. Maybe once a month.
If Smile wants to continue to support StepBro, then fine. If she wants to sacrifice her relationship with her children and grandchildren for StepBro, then fine. There's not a whole lot that anyone can do about that.
If Tb's Dad can step away from that on a weekly basis to see his family, and has expressed an interest in doing so, then be thankful for the time that you have with him. And be ok that he is doing what he can to continue a relationship with you all. There's not a whole lot more that any of you can do about that either.
It's a tough situation all around. But you don't have to support the enablers. You have to take care of your children, no matter what.
*hugs*
peace...
Well, family shit sucks. Having a long standing history with people who have substance and control issues, I can support you and TB in your decision to provide a healthy, safe life for your family. If that means pissing off an enabler, i.e. Smile, then so be it. She makes her choices, you make yours. Her choices, quite frankly, continue to allow someone she supposedly loves to hurt himself and others. Your choices are to protect and provide a healthy environment for your loved ones. There is no discussion. I hope TB's dad can continue to be part of your lives, but I encourage you to not be manipulated or guilted into sacrificing the values you feel are important to you and your family. You deserve to make those choices and be okay with them.
Oh yes, family drama sucks. You are totally right to refuse to be around BIL. He has some problems that are not healthy to have around your children. He's sick. If he had the flu you wouldn't let your kids be around him. Addiction is a disease that has a negative impact on those around them. Smile though probably feels like she's trying to protect her child (from hurt feelings etc). If you could find a way to point out to her this whether in person, or in a letter you could hope she could at least understand your point of view. Not sure it will work though. People can be really stubborn in refusing to see the other side of things. In the meantime I'm glad TB father is still coming around. Hopefully she'll realize soon just how much she misses Egg and come around too.
You are absolutely 100% doing the RIGHT thing!!!! I wouldn't let my kiddos around that situation either! (not that I have any kiddos quite yet, maybe in a few more days/weeks).
I am so proud of you Sam. Not many people are strong enough to stand up for what is right. Egg and Chicken are so going to turn out to be productive members of society!!
Because I am evil like that, I'd probably call the cops if I knew he was going to be there.
You are doing a very difficult thing in going against a family member. But you are also doing the right thing - especially for Chicken. He's at an impressionable age. It's best to keep the really f'ed up people away. And Egg does not need to grow up thinking that's normal behavior. At least TB's dad is supportive. Good luck
It's definitely a tough situation for you guys to be in and sadly, there's absolutlely zero middle ground to speak of.
With people like that, you're either in or out. You've opted to be 'out' under (what normal people could consider to be) conditional circumstances and you're paying the price for it.
The fact that they haven't cut the stepbro off sets a very poor example for your kids, namely chicken.
I support your decision in spite of the stress it brings your family.
i've got a brother in-law situation very similar to yours, only he likes to threaten to move to our state... he currently lives 1,000 miles away and we're totally down with that. however, it could very likely happen that he actually moves to our state seeing how his father lives down the road from us. the husband and i have discussed this and witness protection program would be in order. sometimes in-laws can be tricky, hell even bio-parents can be tricky. it's not your fault that their priorities aren't the same as yours, and hopefully they will come around to seeing things your way sooner than later.
Ack. Awful.
I THINK (and this is after about 5 minutes' thought on the topic of a situation I'm not part of) that I would be involved with the druggie, UNLESS he has a history of violence. If he's just kind of a jaily, druggy, nakey deadbeat, I don't think he's going to hurt the children, and it's a good opportunity to teach them the hard-to-teach/learn "Family is family even if they SUCK" lesson.
I'd go for short visits when he was there, and I'd keep a sharp eye on everything so I'd be exhausted afterward, but I'd go. On the slight chance the police showed up, I'd whisk the children to another room---but unless such a scenario was likely to involve gunplay and resisting arrest and thrashing, I wouldn't be too worried. Many arrests are more like, "Huh. YOU'RE not supposed to be here. I think you'd better join us in our nice comfy car here." "Okay. Bye Mom! See you later when you come to post bail!"
Obviously I wouldn't leave my kids in his care, and I wouldn't ride in a car with him driving (er, duh), but it doesn't sound like it would be dangerous to have dinner at the same table. And if things DID get dicey, I would plan to leave right away.
Similar situation in my family; I think you're doing the right thing, even if he isn't likely to directly hurt your kids.
However, I can empathize with Smile. No mother wants to have to face the idea that her own child might be as fucked up as your StepBIL is, or worse still that she might be perpetuating it. You're making her see that other people feel her home situation is bad enough to keep her grandkids away, and that hurts.
Duuuuuuude, you are doing the EXACT RIGHT THING. In fact, as far as I can tell, you and TB are the only ones doing the exact right thing. Do not enable this kid. He will never grow up and never get better if people keep assisting him in this behavior and lifestyle. It is absolutely appropriate for you to put your foot down when it comes to your children.
Invite people, including SMILE, over for dinner at your place. If she doesn't come, she doesn't. She is in a tough spot, as that is her son and she loves him. Maybe one day she'll get fed up and hit an alanon meeting. You never know. Just continue to send pictures and letters, and issuing invitations.
The guy has an addiction problem. It seems he doesn't want help either. And you have decided that you don't want to be around him. That's your choice. It has nothing to do with others, just that one person. If you can't go there, why doesn't she come to you? You can't change an addict, and if his supporters are going to continue to ENABLE him, then they are just as guilty.
This is an addiction/ENABLER issue and if smile is bent out of shape then she needs to look at her own motives of why she is copping a resentment over no visits when the step bro is there. She isn't seeing very clearly is she? Because she is showing you her smirky behavior.
I would not force my kids to have to put up with a looser at the dinner table - not a very good visual. If he can't clean himself up and THEY persist in enabling him and copping resentments then you have only one choice...
I'm sorry we don't want our children to be around step bro... very simple. If they cannot respect your decisions then it is their problem not yours. Once an addict always an addict. And enablers are in the same boat. I know I am in recovery myself so I see this week in and week out in my groups.
You are right in your decisions and don't let others sway what you wish to happen. Sometimes explaining it is harder than making excuses for why you won't visit. But also, sometimes tough love is the ticket.
If you clean up your act, we will come visit, but until you do, your behavior is unacceptable. it's very simple. stand your ground and if smile wants to cop an attitude let her. it's not your problem. It's hers.
Either find a way around step bro or accept the consequences of everybody's behavior with said situation. The kids don't need that loose influence or should they have to put up with it.
Steps off recovery box now...
Stay cool Sam. You have had issues with women in your family before. This is no different. Stand your ground.
Jeremy
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice. Both of my brothers are addicts and my dad in particular is a major enabler. When I decided I wasnt going to come home from college anymore for my own safety (after my brother tried to kill my dad and my dad wouldnt press charges so my brother went to a psych hospital for a few weeks),I basically felt like they chose him over me, even though he is a total shithead. And the addiction cycles continue and get worse and now both brothers are in very bad shape and we dont want either one around Brooklyn right now. Not to mention the fact that I'm a probation officer and my hubby is a cop and we reaaaally arent supposed to associate with criminals.
It all sucks ass and makes no sense. I wish I could be more help, but really all I can do is say that I understand.
You are doing the right thing here. I agree with what almost everyone has said. No need to re-hash what has already been commented on except that I am in total agreement with areyoukiddingme. I would totally call the cops. Maybe she would get in trouble too and that might help her see that what she is doing is wrong.
screw that! call the cops next time you know he's there!!
i don't blame you for not wanting to take the kids over. and Smile is being, for lack of a better word, retarded. all mom's have their moments i suppose.
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