Unfriendly Letter
Dear Ants,Fuck you. I tried to be nice to you, to share the world with you, to understand your plight. When you came into my home initially I gently encouraged you to leave with kind words and gentle phrasing. I moved the cat food to a place where you would not be so tempted to steal from Dude and Reina. I moved my trash can into the backyard so that you could take what you needed and then move onto trashier homes. I then moved my recycling can to the backyard as well. Then I scrubbed the ever-loving fucking shit out of my kitchen. I moved the cat food dishes again after scrubbing them clean. Then I moved the big bag of cat food to the garage when I noticed that you were curious about it.
Then you invaded both bathrooms searching for tidbits of this and that. You found nothing but still you roamed. Then you fully invaded my kitchen, my shiny clean kitchen without so much as fucking crumb laying about the counters. You found nothing but still you persisted. Then you got into the big bag of cat food in the garage. The fucking thirty dollar bag of cat food that costs more than gold because precious fucking Reina needs special tummy food so as not to explode fecal matter all over herself and others. I bagged up all the cat food in ziploc bags because who fucking has a tupperware container that big?
You continued to storm about my home. Never concentrating on any one area because MY HOUSE IS FUCKING SPOTLESS YOU ASSHOLES. Today I lost my shit when I found that you busted into one of the ziploc bags of cat food. As you ran over my fucking feet I had to find containers to hold the cat food and keep you the fuck out of it. Have I mentioned to you that I have moved the bowl of cat food so many times I forget where the fuck it is? What about the fact that the cat food bowl is now tupperware and right after the cats eat I have to put a fucking sealed lid on that motherfucker to keep you sons of bitches out of the fucking food? Try doing this all day and night as Dude whines pitifully and Reina is too damn stupid to find the food for fuck's sake. By the way, I hate you.
Today's cat food incident really fried my ass. You know what changed me from semi-sane person to holy fucking terror? When I realized that the huge, four dollar, OPEN bag of dog food (for strays and lost puppies I find) was sitting in the garage five feet away from the cat food bag untouched. You parade around my house like you fucking own the place searching for fuck only knows, eat my cats' food and then ignore the dirty cheap dog food. It's on motherfuckers. I am killing every last one of you assholes.
Fuck you,
Sam
posted by Sam at
8:42 PM
10 Comments:
http://perma-guard.com/household.html
Go buy, then call me and I'll tell you how to spread it so the fuckers don't survive. That stuff is safe for kids and pets. You could probably eat it and be just fine, and it's the most effective thing I've ever found.
We have a super colony under our home. I had 6 inch wide trails up our walls outside after we moved in. I worked so hard to keep them at bay. They invaded my HUGE spice cabinet over 5 times. After Bliss was born one day while nursing him as an infant I saw some ants crawl across him and said that is it. We hired monthly service after that. We stopped for about 6 months once and I sprayed regularly and still they came back. So we are stuck with the service because without it we are invaded.
Good luck hun.
Ok so I read once (don't know if it's true or vouch for effectiveness) that if you sprinkle corn meal around their pathways they will carry it back to their homes where they will all dine on it and then die (eventually) as they can't digest it. I've always wanted to know if that actually works. I know that the whole ant thing sucks big time. I've had a couple different apartments with them and had them get into zip lock bags etc. Hope you and the cats find the food dishes.
My mom was under attack year after year but last year she accidentally discovered that Windex w/vinegar kills 'em DEAD on the spot. And evidently word got out what a badass she is with her Sprayer of Doom because they haven't come back this year.
She tried the chalk line, the corn meal, the voodoo spells and poison from the CoOp but it was the accidental vinegar that got 'em.
Or if you can't find Windex w/vinegar you could try a douche.
I hate ants.
I have the same fuckers here every year. We are on a first name basis they've been here so much. I think next year I'm going to dump bags of sugar over the fence into my neighbor's yards. Maybe the ants will go there, instead of coming here.
In one of my apartments I had in college, those stupid bastards would get into all of my food no matter what we did or how we sealed it up. I threw away more boxes of cereal that year. And all the apartment people would do is come and use this gun thing to put this gross gel shit everywhere, and I think all it did was attract more of them and make them stronger. I hope you take them all out.
Baaaahahaha.
I had ants in my last house and only in the bathroom. Like, WTF, ants? Turns out, they were after a bag of old cough drops in the closet.
Wha-evah.
I exterminated those little fuckers.
We have resorted to the monthly spraying here, too. Good luck!
Ants are my arch nemeses. Nemesi?
Regardless.
I hate them and I can not believe you lasted so long.
Oh and ants can't swim. Put the cat food bowls in a larger bowl that has some water in it. Almost like a moat.
Its fun to watch them drown.
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