Because I Am Insane
I have been thinking of birth plans lately. Here is what I have so far:
1. I will not labor in a room without either a wireless network or Sprint cell service. (TB has a Sprint card that I can use in the laptop.) No birthing babies without the innernets!
2. Don't give my baby any fucking formula you assholes. Also? The baby will eat better when attached to my tit. Please give me my damn baby.
3. I will eat while in labor. If you say "no" I will have my husband or a small, innocent child sneak it to me. You will not deny me food or I will cut you. Jello and ice chips do not count as food. Does anyone have a small, innocent child that I may borrow?
4. I would prefer you to use both hands to yank my vagina into a big enough hole to birth the baby than to use a knife to cut an opening. I've tried both ways and your hands are so soft. What kind of lotion do you use?
Am I missing anything?
1. I will not labor in a room without either a wireless network or Sprint cell service. (TB has a Sprint card that I can use in the laptop.) No birthing babies without the innernets!
2. Don't give my baby any fucking formula you assholes. Also? The baby will eat better when attached to my tit. Please give me my damn baby.
3. I will eat while in labor. If you say "no" I will have my husband or a small, innocent child sneak it to me. You will not deny me food or I will cut you. Jello and ice chips do not count as food. Does anyone have a small, innocent child that I may borrow?
4. I would prefer you to use both hands to yank my vagina into a big enough hole to birth the baby than to use a knife to cut an opening. I've tried both ways and your hands are so soft. What kind of lotion do you use?
Am I missing anything?
Labels: Baby, Greedy Bitch, Preggo
posted by Sam at
4:52 PM
14 Comments:
We want webcam coverage. Live. The catcher's view, not the pitcher's.
how about a home birth? eat/drink whatever you want. No IV stuck in your arm etc.
Or a birth center maybe?
Waaaay more relaxed and flexible with the mom's needs.
Pain killer? Not so much present.....
Linda Tellington-Jones created a TTouch system for discovering unsuspected pain in horses - one reason for changes in attitude and performance in horses. She mentioned one technique for colic (often fatal in horses, not the mild discomfort we think of with infants). She claimed this came from acupuncture for humans. There are chakra points in the ears. It seems that when you circle the ear, and draw upward, you can relieve some of the pain. You might ask your chiropractor about that.
Don't they want you to avoid food during labor, so you won't crap all over them while giving birth?
But now I am trying to envision the event - what food were you considering? Oatmeal? Steweed prunes by the pound? Green beans and chili peppers? Asparagus in garlic with cheese? Bowl after bowl of Navy bean soup? Inquiring minds want to *know*! Maybe I can't help with the birth, but it might be nice (or not!) to share, vicariously, Birth Cuisine!
Oh, don't mind me. Best of everything is my wish for you and yours!
Ugh, I ate before I went to the hospital for my induction (aka labor on the fast track- in at 8:00 pm 5/12 no labor, baby by 1:47 am 5/13) and was extremely sorry that I did so. I thought that I was going to puke several times, but managed not to. I'm very impressed that you have been through this twice and would like food present. You are a better woman than I. My labor and delivery advice is not to let T.B. call his best friend, who was getting drunk on Colt 45, while you are going from 3-10 cm in 2 hours. Because when you're out of your mind with the pain, and the nurse asks you what your pain level is, the last think that you want is your husband up in your face, going "Is it FORTY-FIVE???!!!".
let it be known, I want a 44 oz dr pepper during labor. From AM/PM, which will mean a trip across the border for someone. I don't care, dr p tastes best from AM/PM.
I will not be denied!
osbasso -- you scare me. really.
essie -- you, and your kind are crazy. not only do i support the pain killers 100%, but if a problem happens, you're already in a hospital, where they can properly deal with the issue. fuck natural; i want healthy and sane.
brad -- apparently you don't read sam's stories too often, otherwise you'd know her intestinal track has a mind of it's own. whether or not she eats the day of, or two weeks before means nothing to the who/what/when/where/why sam shits.
jodi -- will you be wife #2? you and i are of like mind. good luck with pullman, i need a cliff notes version to get through that boring trilogy. Godfather 3 was easier.
bitter & sarcastic, TB
My vote would be to not let them chop off the end of his penis, if he's a boy. Same with the clitoris, if it's a girl.
I throw up constantly during labor, so I never want to eat. The birth center allowed it, and the hospital to some degree. The reason behind it is if you have to have an emergency c-section and they have to put you completely under, it can be dangerous to have food in your stomach.
But dude, who needs emergency c-sections and has to be put completely under? Oh, yeah. Those of us who manage to accidentally have babies 1500 miles from home.
My cousin, whose baby is now an utterly adorable 5 weeks old (and is currently in my home spreading the cuteness here in redneckland), swears the birthing ball was amazing. They didn't have such new-fangled gizmos as a BALL when I had my kids, but she says it was awesome.
As soon as Ab was born my husband went to Schlotzsky's and got me the biggest sandwich EVER because I'd gone like, 2.5 days without food and had pushed his firstborn out of my hoohah in his presence. I should've asked for a car instead of a sandwich.
If I ever have another baby...oh yeah, it will be blogged, tweeted, plurked and possibly podcasted. Of course, pigs will have to fly first before I'll birth any more babies because my husband thinks they cost money and stuff and apparently we don't have any of that.
I wish I had known/thought of #2 when I went in. By the time we left the hospital he refused to latch on--they had given him too many bottles.
What kind of food would you like Brooklyn to sneak to you? It can be arranged.
i am with SisB on the no cutting of the babies...but you knew that already...
and i say no shots for the newborns...but you knew that too...
dont let the baby out of your (or Teddy Bear's) sight...they might decide they know how to make better choices for your child than you do...
peace...
Is wireless even available in Hospitals nowadays?
I remember a time when I wasn't even aloud to have a cell phone turned on when my children were born. Perhaps times have changed?
I say type that shit up and have them put it in your chart.
That's a keeper, right there.
I came over here from Cassie's blog, and I just want to vote that you please make that your actual birth plan!
This was basically my birth plan, though mine was worded a bit differently. Luckily, the hospital followed it, but if not, I might've considered your wording next time around.
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