Inappropriate and Involving Poop (Again!)

Alternate title: What happens when Sam attempts to be sensitive regarding IVF.

Today Chicken and I went to the local mall to acquire a new prescription and pair of glasses for me. I had an appointment time of 12:20pm, I was there the requested ten minutes early and everything was going to be just fine. As I wandered through Lenscrafters I started to feel a little weird, nothing specific but just a little not good. I made it through the paperwork section of the appointment and began the technician lead initial eye tests when my stomach decided to let me know that a bathroom was required. I waited, started to sweat and cramp and then pocketed my pride. I asked to use the bathroom, citing unhappy pregnancy tummy. In other words, I totally fucking lied.

The bathroom was an employee only room, and the technician waited OUTSIDE the door for me. My stomach rolled and rebelled but did not cooperate. I gave up, told her that I needed to reschedule and thought that I might make it to the public restrooms where I could crap anonymously. Uh, not so much. I had to request the restroom a second time and although I met with more success I am slightly embarrassed with the manner in which the paint fucking peeled off the walls as I shit my ever-loving brains out. After five (or six) flushes I opened the door and realized that I was standing in the break room where an employee was just sitting down to lunch less than ten feet away from the scene of the crime. Oops.

I rescheduled my appointment and fled to the bathrooms of JC Penneys, where I spent much time trapped on the toilet texting poor Chicken. Apparently he was warning innocents as they approached the bathroom, but to no avail. I cannot count how many people decided to park themselves in the stalls on either side of me, but if you were one of those poor people I offer my condolences.

Time passed, as it is wont to do, and Chicken and I eventually ate lunch and returned to the scene of the original crime. This is where I proved that I not only kill bathrooms with reckless disregard for lunch time or human life, but say the most ridiculous things. I am still a bit embarrassed to talk about being pregnant in front of strangers, but it is relevant at an eye exam so I mustered up the courage. When the technician asked if I had a recent physical I indicated that I had, and mumbled something about getting pregnant. She asked, "Oh, did you do IVF?" and then my brain came to a full stop.

I stammered out a "no" but I was not content there, no sir. I attempted to explain that we had not utilized any sort of medical help/intervention/etc. but it just wouldn't come out properly. I was worried about saying that we did it "naturally" because I didn't want to offend or imply that anything was unnatural. I blurted out "we did the whole penis in vagina thing" and then wished for instant death.

The technician looked at poor Chicken sitting there and my boy did not bat an eye. Go Chicken! Then she muttered something about him already having sex education to which I heartily agreed and then we went on with the exam. Five minutes later I exclaimed, "Gee I suppose I could have said that we did it the old-fashioned way and it would have been a bit more appropriate." The technician seemed to agree.

Later, much later, I realized that maybe asking if we used IVF wasn't a little more information than was necessary and likely none of her business. I suppose that my "penis in vagina" comment may have helped her along the path of minding her own fucking business. In the mean time I amused and embarrassed myself all at the same time.