Full of It
Apparently my body thinks that 1/2 hour after I eat lunch is the perfect time for emergency evacuation. While I have heard that a healthy system will need to eliminate within an hour of eating, my body normally does not work that way. One would think, "YAY POOP!!" because pooping is one of my favorite things, but in certain situations pooping is a little...less than optimal. Yesterday I was in the scrapbook section of Walmart clutching my $10 gift card in my greedy little hands when the need struck. Luckily, there was a bathroom super close and although I fucking killed it there was a plentitude of stench that preceeded my visit.
Today, I was at a small, local scrapbook store. Do you see a trend here? *shut up Anna and let me scrapbook* I was happy, full of food, looking for this and that when OMG my tummy rumbled. Now, let me set the stage. I am in a small store. There is one bathroom and one employee and NO ONE ELSE in the store. I have to take a monster shit and it is not going to be pretty. I am too far from home and I have a basket with scrappy stuff in it. I head to the bathroom.
The first visit wasn't too bad. The second one was a little more intense but doable. The third visit to the poor, tired bathroom was a little frightening and involved three or four flushes. You know the toilets that are really full of water and the water rises a bit as it is flushes? They are super scary when you've just deposited the equivalant of a medium-sized goat after it is has been through a blender on liquify. This is when praying types start muttering pleas of mercy to their god(s). Luckily everything ended up where it was supposed to and I made it through without incident.
The moral of this story? Be prepared to shit my brains out after lunch and plan accordingly.
I am watching a Project Runway rerun and they are making dresses with flowers and plants. One of the contestants said, "I've got a pile of green and the only thing I want to do with it right now is smoke it." You go girl.
Today, I was at a small, local scrapbook store. Do you see a trend here? *shut up Anna and let me scrapbook* I was happy, full of food, looking for this and that when OMG my tummy rumbled. Now, let me set the stage. I am in a small store. There is one bathroom and one employee and NO ONE ELSE in the store. I have to take a monster shit and it is not going to be pretty. I am too far from home and I have a basket with scrappy stuff in it. I head to the bathroom.
The first visit wasn't too bad. The second one was a little more intense but doable. The third visit to the poor, tired bathroom was a little frightening and involved three or four flushes. You know the toilets that are really full of water and the water rises a bit as it is flushes? They are super scary when you've just deposited the equivalant of a medium-sized goat after it is has been through a blender on liquify. This is when praying types start muttering pleas of mercy to their god(s). Luckily everything ended up where it was supposed to and I made it through without incident.
The moral of this story? Be prepared to shit my brains out after lunch and plan accordingly.
I am watching a Project Runway rerun and they are making dresses with flowers and plants. One of the contestants said, "I've got a pile of green and the only thing I want to do with it right now is smoke it." You go girl.
posted by Sam at
4:08 PM
2 Comments:
Teri, Be sure, now, that you include a big bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (I like to add a snack-pack thingy of drained, diced peaches, then sprinkle sugar-cinnamon on top when done - kind of a personal peach cobbler).
This will help assure you are getting all the fiber you need for a truly glorious event .. a half hour after eating.
You might consider a can of yogurt once or twice a week - it might help the spectacular aroma.
And if you want to celebrate the event, both movies Van Wilder and Hamburger the Motion Picture include massive laxative scenes. Glory along with the stars!
Oh, my. Was that ever a poopy thing to say. I go.
am i the only one who finds it hilarious that you had to make 3 trips? LOL
i'm telling you, the wal-mart monster dump. i've been there. it's my calling card.
you'd think that after one of these situations, we'd remember to poop BEFORE leaving the house. but alas, i still forget.....thank god for public toilets.
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