Bloody Hell

My PenisLicker of a husband needs to be hit repeatedly with a large, blunt, instrument of torture and death, preferably at or around the genitals. You see, the man sleeps like most men. I'll detail it for you:

1. Closes eyes.
2. Rolls over.
3. Falls asleep.
4. Snores lightly.

This whole process takes about twenty fucking seconds and is why, one day, I shall kill him until he is dead. Sometimes he will complain, whining endlessly that he isn't tired yet or can't fall asleep. Then I tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO SLEEP. And he does, in twenty seconds. I hate this about him. If you are a gentle soul and you are asking yourself, "Self, does she really tell her husband to SHUT THE FUCK UP?" please understand that I TOTALLY FUCKING DO SAY EXACTLY THAT.

It gets worse. Not only does he fall asleep quickly, easily, and wake up fresh like a freakin' bunny he has a horrible habit that he does WHILE he sleeps. He sweats like a bloody fucking pig. Even worse? He is in total denial about the reason he sweats. If he just admitted that he was a sweaty sleeper I could live with it, but FUCK NO. He blames it on the down comforter, which ends up 1/2 on my side of the bed and 1/2 on the floor. But SOME FUCKING HOW it makes him sweat.

It could be twelve degrees (Fahrenheit) in our bedroom, I could be sleeping with fucking icicles hanging out of my nostrils and he would be sweaty and still blame it on something else. Our conversations go something like this:

TB- "But you were lying next to me and I got overheated"

Sam- "I was sleeping on the couch"

TB- "But the comforter was too hot, maybe we should try one that isn't down."

Sam- "The comforter was in the washer last night"

TB- "But the fan wasn't positioned properly/on high enough"

Sam- "My pussy lips froze together it was so fucking cold you fucking asshole. JUST ADMIT THAT YOU ARE A SWEATY BEAST."

TB- "But what if..."

*Sam picks up blunt instrument and begins swinging*

I swear that he does this (the denial not the sweating) just to fucking annoy me. And lately I am easily annoyed. Right before I began to write this post I was yelling at TB to "shut the fuck up and go to sleep" and he was trying to cuddle up on me. You might say, "Awwww how cute" but I say, "Fuck off" because this is what happens:

1. He positions his wee little head on my shoulder and looks sweet.
2. He passes the fuck out (PTFO).
3. He begins to sweat.
4. I have to poke him until he wakes up enough to realize that I am tired of being sweated on and I wish him to go the fuck away.
5. He decides that cuddling more is nice.
6. I scream (quietly, so as not to wake the Chicken) for him to roll the fuck over and go to sleep.

That's not even taking into consideration the rash he likes to leave on my shoulder because his face is all scratchy and my skin is a delicate flower. He's really quite patient when I am acting like a fucking harpy but that doesn't make me any less of a cunt now, does it?