Too Hip To Be Square
Does the title make me old? I feel young today, not because I am carefree and flitting about like a happy fairy high on fairy dust but because I am looking at how long I will likely live in pain. I went to the chiropractor today, as I do every week, to get a massage and adjustment. Without the 1/2 hour massage I am so stiff that adjusting me is nearly impossible, and sometimes I am still too stiff afterward to do much good. I asked the chiropractor about my hip pain, I wanted a clue as to when he thought my hip would be happy again. He gave me a 50/50 chance of it being pain-free within a year, and if it is not within a year it will likely never stop hurting.
The pain from my hip is greater than the rest of my pain, so even on days that the FMS is not totally fucking me up the hip is there taunting me. Teddy Bear assures me that we will find a way to fix it, and I want to believe him. I really do. But right now I am having a minor crisis and it is hard to believe in anything.
I have had FMS for at least seven years, but due to the insanity of life I have attempted to ignore it. I did not get an "official" diagnosis until this year. I was hoping that it would just go away, and I was afraid that after seeing doctors and trying this and that and the other I would realize that I was stuck in this body of suck and it would be so fucking hard to deal with, much easier to stick my head in the sand. Damn that sentence was long.
Now I know and I am looking at my life looming before me and wondering how I can take so many years of pain and it exhausts me. I am wallowing in it. Eliza was talking about stages of grief, and I feel like I am just starting to grieve my former life. Like Eliza, I am realizing that my best years of health are gone, and that just sucks so much. Yes, I am lucky. My husband is so wonderful and supportive, my son is a pain in the ass but I love him so much. I have a house and a car and a cat that cuddles with me. I do not have to work.
The problem is that I want to work. I want to be productive and useful to society and to my family. I want to make dinner every night and have the energy to go on dates with my husband, to go out and do something physical (like riding bikes or jogging?) with my son. I want just one day without any pain. I want to do things.
I have decided, with the help of my friends and my husband, to not start the teaching credential program next semester. I just cannot physically do it right now. I will start substitute teaching in January, as often as my body lets me. I am hoping to get a gauge of how much I can do, and right now my gauge is saying that full-time school is not doable. I might decide to start in the fall, but I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be able to teach full-time, I might just substitute when I can. If that is what I ultimately do, what good will a credential do? I am going to talk to my advisor at school and tell her I am withdrawing my application for spring semester.
Although it feels like failure, part of me is so relieved. The thought of school next semester was overwhelming. I love school but my body says "Fuck no!" and I can't attend school without my body. I have even gotten to the point of having to stand in class occasionally. Because my hip screams at me when I sit for too long, and then my FMS screams because standing just takes so much energy. I am well and truly fucked.
I am going to find a shrink this week. I haven't had much luck with shrinks since my favorite one moved to North (or South?) Carolina back in 1999 or 2000, but I have this gaping hole in my schedule and I figure it can't hurt anything.
On the good side of things, after my recent vomit-fest here about my father I feel like the pain of his death has lessened a bit. I know that I will always have times where it comes out of nowhere and kicks my ass, but it feels somewhat healed right now. Just in time for me to complain about feeling like shit.
I starting taking darvocet for the nighttime pain because vicodin keeps me up for hours. It's not the greatest pain killer, but I am stoned enough that I don't really care that I am in pain. And no, I'm not taking it every night. I have to keep the nights I get drunk and blog free so my liver doesn't up and leave me. This sucks. Also, it might be good to note that I am currently enjoying the bliss of darvocet and therefore am not to be held liable for any and all rambling, including overuse of commas and poor grammar and run-on sentences.
Oh, another thing. I am going to be contributing to a web zine soon and I am not sure whether I want to write under my blog name or my real name. Any thoughts?
The pain from my hip is greater than the rest of my pain, so even on days that the FMS is not totally fucking me up the hip is there taunting me. Teddy Bear assures me that we will find a way to fix it, and I want to believe him. I really do. But right now I am having a minor crisis and it is hard to believe in anything.
I have had FMS for at least seven years, but due to the insanity of life I have attempted to ignore it. I did not get an "official" diagnosis until this year. I was hoping that it would just go away, and I was afraid that after seeing doctors and trying this and that and the other I would realize that I was stuck in this body of suck and it would be so fucking hard to deal with, much easier to stick my head in the sand. Damn that sentence was long.
Now I know and I am looking at my life looming before me and wondering how I can take so many years of pain and it exhausts me. I am wallowing in it. Eliza was talking about stages of grief, and I feel like I am just starting to grieve my former life. Like Eliza, I am realizing that my best years of health are gone, and that just sucks so much. Yes, I am lucky. My husband is so wonderful and supportive, my son is a pain in the ass but I love him so much. I have a house and a car and a cat that cuddles with me. I do not have to work.
The problem is that I want to work. I want to be productive and useful to society and to my family. I want to make dinner every night and have the energy to go on dates with my husband, to go out and do something physical (like riding bikes or jogging?) with my son. I want just one day without any pain. I want to do things.
I have decided, with the help of my friends and my husband, to not start the teaching credential program next semester. I just cannot physically do it right now. I will start substitute teaching in January, as often as my body lets me. I am hoping to get a gauge of how much I can do, and right now my gauge is saying that full-time school is not doable. I might decide to start in the fall, but I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be able to teach full-time, I might just substitute when I can. If that is what I ultimately do, what good will a credential do? I am going to talk to my advisor at school and tell her I am withdrawing my application for spring semester.
Although it feels like failure, part of me is so relieved. The thought of school next semester was overwhelming. I love school but my body says "Fuck no!" and I can't attend school without my body. I have even gotten to the point of having to stand in class occasionally. Because my hip screams at me when I sit for too long, and then my FMS screams because standing just takes so much energy. I am well and truly fucked.
I am going to find a shrink this week. I haven't had much luck with shrinks since my favorite one moved to North (or South?) Carolina back in 1999 or 2000, but I have this gaping hole in my schedule and I figure it can't hurt anything.
On the good side of things, after my recent vomit-fest here about my father I feel like the pain of his death has lessened a bit. I know that I will always have times where it comes out of nowhere and kicks my ass, but it feels somewhat healed right now. Just in time for me to complain about feeling like shit.
I starting taking darvocet for the nighttime pain because vicodin keeps me up for hours. It's not the greatest pain killer, but I am stoned enough that I don't really care that I am in pain. And no, I'm not taking it every night. I have to keep the nights I get drunk and blog free so my liver doesn't up and leave me. This sucks. Also, it might be good to note that I am currently enjoying the bliss of darvocet and therefore am not to be held liable for any and all rambling, including overuse of commas and poor grammar and run-on sentences.
Oh, another thing. I am going to be contributing to a web zine soon and I am not sure whether I want to write under my blog name or my real name. Any thoughts?
posted by Sam at
9:40 PM
7 Comments:
Sam,
Sorry about the pain.
When I took an intro Yoga class the instructor claimed that many people were there (and there was a show of hands in agreement) on doctors' orders to manage pain, increase strength and flexibility. The class was held at a senior center. One guy with a hip replacement claimed after about 5 classes that he was sleeping better and having much less pain. I actually signed up for two classes, and went twice a week for the 10 week series. I can still (turned 55 last summer) put my foot on the edge of the sink to trim toenails without grabbing my leg or stumbling. We all have our little goals.
Be *sure* to get a copy of 'Tools for Teaching', Fred Jones. Unfortunately, the book claims you have to walk the classroom - get within a few feet of each student every few minutes - to keep the class in order. I found this to be really true as a substitute teacher. Remember - a substitute walks into many different class rooms, with a wide variety of levels of discipline and means of managing issues. I found the Jones book made my work a lot easier. I also understood better when things went wrong, and had better ideas about how to regain control. It can be downright *scary* when a third grade class comes apart on you. I think that was worse than the day they sent me to take a 2nd grade class, and the principal switched me to the kindergarten when I got there. I had three 'hiders' and one 'runner' with rage issues. And a birthday with cupcakes from the parents.
Back to the pain. Talk to your doctor about physical therapy, including Yoga and other exercises. Sometimes there are stretches and strength exercises that can help.
Blessed be.
You're definitely right about your Husband being a great man.
Unfortunately, I found myself becoming increasingly callous towards my significant other throughout the years. She had many conditions that made her perpetually ill and I just couldn't find the energy to be sympathetic to it.
Anyway, I'm sure he'll handle it much better than I did. You're a much better communicator than my ex or I ever was.
Ciao!
Oh, honey. It does suck, yea verily, and anyone in our shoes ought to see a shrink just for a mental-health check, because WOW can it ever be depressing! As far as the hip, I had that--my rheumatologist eventually said that Righty (that cunt) had tendonitis, bursitis, and that furthermore I had sacroiliitus (sp?). You know how I feel about steroids and how bad they messed me up, but the the injection of steroids and lidocaine directly into the bursa...well, the made the pain like TWICE AS BAD the day after, but three days later it was TOTALLY FINE, normal, not hurting one little bit, and hey it's been like, a year and it's only now starting to twinge again! So you might look into that as a last resort, although again I do still think that steroids are from the hot place. Physical therapy managed Righty while I was pregnant one time, before the steroids, since that was obviously not an option at the time, but I had to go three times a week for four months, and spend about an hour lying on hot and cold packs, getting zapped with that giant TENS unit-thingy, getting stretched and massaged and loosened up, and do the exercises religiously three times a day, which SUCKED. It did work in time and even up my legs (your legs being uneven probably means that your pelvis is out of whack, incidentally, and if you get a shoe insert that will only reinforce the bad positioning), but it was REALLY time-consuming, not to mention the copayments EVERY SINGLE TIME...my osteopath can use deep tissue massage, gentle stretching, and then forceful, REALLY unpleasant yanking and remedy the same situation in one session, but that's not exactly for the faint of heart...there's no easy way out of a bad hip, but I strongly suggest that you see an osteopath rather than a chiro (nothing wrong with chiros, but osteopaths know a lot more about anatomy and whole-body health and can give you drugs for the day after), and if that doesn't work go to a rheumatologist, because with your FMS's antics being what they are, I don't know if the physical/physiotherapeutic route is realistic for you. But yes, definitely the shrink, because if nothing else it'll either reassure you that you are doing just fine or else at the very least give you some hope of a better general state of mind and the satisfaction of Doing Something. And sometimes ya need that, y'know?
*hugs* pain does suck ass... (egads, I used ass :P)
I'd go under my blog name.. but you know me, I'm weird. I did use my real first name for that mobile device blog..but that's about it.
Sending you a big ole hug. I am sorry you live in constant pain.
Sorry your going through pain sweetie. As for the zine if you want ppl from the zine to find your blog then use Sam etc... If you want to have 2 separate lives use your real name. Hope you feel better and I hope my .02 helps.
Oh Sam, I wish we could all just pick up a little bit of your pain if that would diminish yours...
Definitely would wait with getting pregnant since even women with a "normal" pelvic & hips, can get totally out of whack afterwards.... Me and my friends/sister all have some kind of slight to more severe ailment since pregancies. More prone to lower back ache etc. Supposedly my hips are uneven as well since bambino no. 3 but exercising on a very regular basis and keeping my weight in check, helped a lot.
Have to give props to Brad for his hilarious account of his substitute teaching. I am always in awe of these teachers who just jump into a new to them group of kids. I cannot imagine anything harder then that. Hats off to all substitute teachers out there!!!
And last, I think it's great that your faithfull readers really feel with and for you and give such heartfelt comments as today or with your postings about your dad. You've got your own little community going on and I think it's pretty cool.
[hugs!!!]
Stella (SD N.C.)
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home