Pondering Picnics

I feel like shit. I don't talk about it very much because I try to remain positive and funny and nekkid whenever I can, but holy craptastic I am done. The fibro is kicking my ass up and down and I'm not sure why it is flared up so badly still. I understand that living with the in-laws and job hunt was stressful, but the new house (and did you appreciate the picture I posted of it? No, you didn't! buttholes!) back to school, better finances, possibly new car, possible baby-making in the new year...I should be doing better, right?

But here I am, thinking "How the fuck could I even take care of a baby in this state?" Because the pain is unrelenting and I walk like a zombie I am so stiff and sore. The supplements I take for my brain help, and I am thankful for that. Just now I couldn't remember the word for "zombie" and I asked Teddy Bear "What is the name of the thing that eats brains" and before he answered I remembered it was ZOMBIES! Yay for words.

When I forget to take my brain meds my typing goes to shit. My fingers forget where the letters are, and I type away like normal except the words look like fuckall. How can you forget how to type? I do it every day. I guess it is no different than, "How can you forget the word for 'zombie' when you were just eating brains last week?!"

I've been wandering around the blogosphere lately, and realized that there is something (else) wrong with me and I'm not sure what it is or how to fix it. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday with the Good Specialist so hopefully I can figure some things out with him. For years (or longer? decades?) I have trouble with sensory input. I thought it was simply anxiety, then I thought it was being overly sensitive (hypersensitive?), now I have no clue. Environments that are too "busy" (sight or sound) are totally overwhelming to me. I thought busy stores were overwhelming because PEOPLE! BAD! SCARY! but now I wonder if it is just too much "stuff" for me to handle.

In addition to the sights and sounds, I get too much input from people. It is hard to describe, but when people are feeling something I feel it too. Oh, I have an example: Let's say that you are with two people that are having issues with each other and no one else notices except for you. And you notice it so keenly that they might as well be shouting "I'M TOTALLY PISSED" at each other and it is painful to be around, like a mental assault. Teddy Bear used to think I was totally nuts when I first told him about it, until I started meeting his friends. After we met someone I would describe that person perfectly, with details that I got from the brief meeting. Or one of his family members would say something and I would say "But he/she really means XYZ" and I would be right. Every time.

When Teddy Bear talks to his father about something and then comes to me with the information/advice I can hear his father in his voice. It is creepy when I say "You have been talking to your father" and he says "WTF? Yes, but wtf?" He finally admitted that I just paid more attention, or was more "in tune" with shit that was going on around me. But sometimes I want to make it stop. It is too much for me to handle and maybe that is why my fibro hates me. Maybe I'm internalizing too much input. How can I be blunted to all the stuff I don't need without being blunted to my feelings for my family and ordinary things that I need to notice?

Which leads me to Xanax. I started taking Xanax two-ish years ago knowing that it was very addictive. I have a legal and legitimate prescription, I also took less than was prescribed, I didn't take it to get "wheee" but after two years I knew that my body was addicted and I can't do the baby thing loaded on Xanax. Of course, my environment is much easier to deal with when the Xanax blunts everything. I started to taper slowly off of it and the physical withdrawals sucked (hot/cold flashes, cranky, irritable, BITCHY, overwhelmed) and now I'm done and started back using in emergency, as in "I am going to fucking lose my mind" which I primarily do when I'm PMSing and otherwise I just monitor my situation (stay out of Wal-Mart on the weekends). Sorry for the run-on sentence.

Other than the Celexa, how can I manage the onslaught of sensory stuff? Part of my problem that compounds it is the fibro, which makes many physical, normal sensations (like the feeling of clothing) hurt. Add that to the internal, muscle and joint issues and cluster headaches and I would like to order a new me, please and thank you.

Also, I keep missing Eliza on Gmail chat and it is making me pouty.