Blah, Blah Fishpaste*
Yes, I'm still awake and very merry at 4 fucking 57 am in the morning. Yes, that was redundant. No, I shall not be needlessly or at all redundant during my essay exams on Saturday. See previous post please for clarification. I could not be fucked to link to the previous post. My Gawd, people! Why must you do that? The linking of the post that is just RIGHT THERE beneath your nose? I suppose those people love their bloggy readers more than I love you. Much, much more.
I JUST NOW realized that the word "segue" is pronounced segway. Or, to be more precise, that I was saying segue but in my mind it was spelled segway. Is it more embarrassing to fuck up the spelling or pronunciation of a word? I suppose the context is king in this one, huh? I shall go on with my prescribed paragraph without further ado.
Ah, shit I forgot a part. Which involved the word that sounds like segway but is really not one of those nifty machines but a segue. In which case I meant to say that children are known for their utter lack of segues. From one subject to the next without those bastards of writing we call transitional sentences. Chicken, like other, normal children lacks the ability or the patience (ability) to construct conversations in such a way that there are segues. Shit literally flies out of his mouth in such a way that sometimes (usually) I have no possible way to discern what the fuck he is saying. I do know how to say and spell "discern" by the way.
Did you know that this post had a specific purpose, a message to convey? Why, sure you did. I meant to say that I went to a new Chiropractor today. I was unsatisfied with the old one because my lower back/hip thing is NO BETTER than it was in April. Also I kind of hate the man for various reasons that shall be discussed another day.
The NEW, improved and very shiny Chiropractor examined me, took two x-rays, studied and marked the x-rays and gathered me close for an explanation. You see, the reason for ALL THE FUCKING HIP PAIN SINCE APRIL and the minor pain prior to was due to one small thing that I overlooked in these past 33 years. Are you ready for it? You sure? Okay!
My bloody fucking shitassed left leg is 10mm longer than my right leg. Hence, the problems with the pain and misery and fuckall. Bloody Hell.
Yes, I am going to call my specialist on Monday to ask if they have completely reviewed my recent x-rays and whether they happen to notice a little congenital defect of my fucking leg. This all can be fixed with a 10mm insert that will be placed into my shoe after much casting of the foot and so on....
A happy, happy joy, joy note for Anna The Stupid Twat: I shall have to say goodbye to my beloved Gladiator Shoes. So LOL to you.
*The title is stolen completely from Tertia because who could resist it? Really, it is quite lovely.
I JUST NOW realized that the word "segue" is pronounced segway. Or, to be more precise, that I was saying segue but in my mind it was spelled segway. Is it more embarrassing to fuck up the spelling or pronunciation of a word? I suppose the context is king in this one, huh? I shall go on with my prescribed paragraph without further ado.Ah, shit I forgot a part. Which involved the word that sounds like segway but is really not one of those nifty machines but a segue. In which case I meant to say that children are known for their utter lack of segues. From one subject to the next without those bastards of writing we call transitional sentences. Chicken, like other, normal children lacks the ability or the patience (ability) to construct conversations in such a way that there are segues. Shit literally flies out of his mouth in such a way that sometimes (usually) I have no possible way to discern what the fuck he is saying. I do know how to say and spell "discern" by the way.
Did you know that this post had a specific purpose, a message to convey? Why, sure you did. I meant to say that I went to a new Chiropractor today. I was unsatisfied with the old one because my lower back/hip thing is NO BETTER than it was in April. Also I kind of hate the man for various reasons that shall be discussed another day.
The NEW, improved and very shiny Chiropractor examined me, took two x-rays, studied and marked the x-rays and gathered me close for an explanation. You see, the reason for ALL THE FUCKING HIP PAIN SINCE APRIL and the minor pain prior to was due to one small thing that I overlooked in these past 33 years. Are you ready for it? You sure? Okay!
My bloody fucking shitassed left leg is 10mm longer than my right leg. Hence, the problems with the pain and misery and fuckall. Bloody Hell.
Yes, I am going to call my specialist on Monday to ask if they have completely reviewed my recent x-rays and whether they happen to notice a little congenital defect of my fucking leg. This all can be fixed with a 10mm insert that will be placed into my shoe after much casting of the foot and so on....
A happy, happy joy, joy note for Anna The Stupid Twat: I shall have to say goodbye to my beloved Gladiator Shoes. So LOL to you.
*The title is stolen completely from Tertia because who could resist it? Really, it is quite lovely.
Labels: Chicken, Gladiator Shoes, One Sickly Bitch, Stupid Twats, Suck Ass
posted by Sam at
4:56 AM
10 Comments:
You should be going to my junior prom date/ high school buddy/ also now gay and is my chiropractor.
He is the man. It would have been obvious to him too.
Many people have that problem. I have it, but no hip problems. I am lucky in the mal-formed leg department I guess.
Yippee to death of your shoes. Make sure you recycle them. Send them to Russell Crowe for his next movie.
Umm. Not to rain on the parade, or anything, but most people have one leg longer than the other.
Some people find the orthotics, the shoe insert thing, is moderately to very expensive. Some people even find it helps. Or maybe they believe it helps.
You might try what many doctors have recommended. Take a yoga class. Intro yoga will strengthen and increase agility. And help *manage pain*. Really.
Homedics makes a thumping massageur. Two little ball heads, they whack and vibrate. Do a real job on tight muscles and sore spots, *do not* use on joints, it will bruise the bone. I use the medium-soft head, for moderate muscle depth. Wal-Mart and other stores carry the gizmo.
Also at your doctor's office. Ask for the little half-page thingy of back exercises for pregnant ladies. The half-situp, the leg raises, and floor press really, really help with back pain.
If your chiropractor didn't suggest a pillow beneath your knees at night, or between if you roll on your side, ask. This helps a lot of people with back pain.
Look at how you sit, especially at the computer. If you aren't leaned back into a full back chair, straighten up, scoot that chair in! Posture counts, especially after 20 minutes. If you are reaching for the keyboard instead of your elbows hanging straight down from your shoulders, move that keyboard!
Adjust your seat. In the car or the house, your knees have to be higher than the front of your seat. If the back of your legs rests on the edge of the seat, you are levering into your back a lot worse that what a short leg will do. The weight of your legs should be on your feet and your hips, otherwise you mess up your knees (that will come apparent in a couple three more years. Don't ask me how I know.) Scoot the car seat forward, you need your feet to push your knees above the seat, not 'leg room'. Stretching legs out = grinding back pain just about the hips.
Loosen your belt. If I get mine a notch too close, in 20 minutes I will get a back pain that will take 6 weeks to fade away.
Epsom salts. You can enjoy a warm bath, bubbles, etc. Be sure you are using something that penetrates the body and relaxes muscles and bruises - epsom salts. In fact, go to the drug store or drug aisle and pick up a bag or three. Dump a handful or two in a hot tub. Bring a ladder to crawl out, and a good book. I keep 'Chicks in Chain Mail' by the tub, edited by Esther Friesner. 'Whoops!' by Nancy Springer, a story near the middle, is *great*.
Walk. One of the chiropractors that I respect claims that any time you get a low-back adjustment, you need to walk for 20 minutes before sitting down. The muscles need to relax and take different shape, or you risk undoing anything that was fixed on the table.
Be careful how you climb into the car. Sit down on the seat with legs together, facing away from the center of the car, the move your legs in. Sticking one leg in then oozing in a la James Bond or Beau Duke will stress, strain, and de-tune a back.
Oatmeal or psyllium husk. Fiber. You need to help your body cleanse the tense muscle stuff out. And water. Lots of water. Water with sugar, caffeine, or cocaine in doesn't count against the 2-4 quarts you need every day. Just joking about the sugar. No, really.
Oh, there is the Wild West approach. First, riding a horse at a walking pace can be very therapeutic - the motion in the saddle mimics the motion of the hips and back in a comfortable, normal walk. 'The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a (wo)man.'
Or - a drunken brawl. Cowboys didn't have chiropractors all that regularly. So a good drunken brawl loosened up the knots. Getting thrown onto a table may leave bruises, but might also realign that pesky rib or vertebrae. What else could they try? Counting sheep?
I used to thing that(daughter) Erynn had no segways either--we would be talking about frogs and she would say something like, "Dinosaurs might have had feathers." I would say, "Show me the trail." "Well," she would say, "I was thinking about frogs and how they hop and jump, and that made me think about eating flies and how gross that would be, and that made me think about eating anything I caught with my hands, and that made me think of a T-Rex and his little arms and stuff, which made me remember meeting that famous paleontologist who said that dinosaurs may have had very colorful feathers."
....all in 2.5 seconds....
1) Def. I LOVE IT! Chicken, as per usual, ROCKS!
B) Those little two-wheelie things should be provided at air ports for patrons to get from one gate to another. Detroit, to be more specific.
C) I prescribe sex. Loosens up all muscles, joints, etc. I'm just sayin':)
Now that Saturday has come and gone, how was it?
Ok, somewhere in there, did Brad just suggest you get a vibrator?
And I totally totally got the Def Leppard thing. I just hope it has really big, hideous hair.
Anne - no. The "Homedics makes a thumping massageur" is for doing a massage. It works on the back muscles, arms, legs, the back of the neck. It will pinch horribly if you try to get into folds of things. This is not an erotic toy, it is a sore muscle wonder.
holy shit, Sam, your legs are weird! i had no idea this was a common thing. wowza. hope you can fix it and feel better soon.
holy shit, brad leaves longer comments than i do!
after reading his comment, i can tell you, Sam, that i have a medium-soft head that whacks and vibrates, and i would definitely recommend it.
it really loosens me up.
*leaves to go measure legs*
Bwahahaha...when I was pregnant one time I dislocated my hip for no good reason and afterward kept having issues and got sent to physical therapy by my OBGYN and one leg was AN INCH AND A HALF LONGER!!! They gave me some exercises, leg-raise, floor-press, etc. and within a couple of months they were the same length again. My pain guy accomplishes the same result when I get all lopsided by "re-aligning" my pelvis, which hurts like a motherfucker but takes less than a minute and requires much less sitter-time. And then he gives me drugs. If I can find someone who'll fix me like that in FRONT of the kids so I don't NEED a sitter, but drug me FIRST...then screw you, he's mine--MINE!
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