Drugs, Life and Rest in Peace
It seems like I've been talking a lot about drugs lately. To some, it may seem that I'm a proponent of massive drug use for recreational fun and games. Actually, I'm not. I'm a proponent of drug use for recreation just like some people will have a beer or three with friends. Things like an occasional vicodin or smoking a bowl are fine with me. I see no difference between that and alcohol. They're all drugs, only some are more socially acceptable.
A few posts back I showed a picture of my prescription drug stash. Although 5% of me thinks "FABULOUS! PAINKILLERS! WHEEEEE!" the rest of me is saddened. I take Rx drugs for my asthma, my allergies, my anxiety/depression, my pain, my energy level and to sleep. Most of it is FMS-related. If I could pop a vicodin or tramadol to get a buzz once in a while I would be happy as a clam at high tide. Which, if you are curious, is the full expression. "Happy as a clam" by itself has no meaning, but a clam at high tide is a happy one, indeed. (Clam digging is done at low tide) Back to my story.
I don't take vicodin or tramadol or anything else at this point in my life to get high. I take them to function and I hate it. I've added some natural vitamins and supplements in the hopes of reducing the more harmful drugs, but at this point there are layers and layers of drugs and side effects and drugs to counter the side effects and sometimes at night I wonder to myself, "Am I lost in all this? Who am I, really? Without any drugs, who is Sam?"
A major part of the problem is that I'm in a bad place right now mentally. I've been out of work since the beginning of March. While Chicken loves me being at home and I love being there when he walks home from school, not working equals not paying off the debt I have accrued. And... no babies for Sam until my debt is greatly reduced. What? That tick-tock you just heard? That was my biological clock telling me my next birthday is number 34.
Also, Teddy Bear and I are heading to Grand Junction, Colorado in three weeks to bury my father. Before he died, we talked about his wishes and he wanted to be cremated and buried in the Veteran's State Cemetery in his home town. Although I could have let the funeral home ship his cremains to Colorado, I wanted to bring him myself. I want to visit his home town and hopefully meet cousins that I didn't know existed. I find myself a year and a half after his death picking out a headstone and making arrangements and it's all so horrible.
Which leads back to the drugs. FMS is very, extremely, terribly linked to your state of mind. Stress and depression worsen symptoms, which worsen depression, which creates a downward cycle of suckage. I want off the meds, I want a job, I want to stop crying over my father. I want to take a vicodin to go WHEEEE!! and not to stop the throbbing pain. I want a baby. Is there a world where all those things can happen? I hope so.
PS Funny post below. Sorry for the melancholy.
A few posts back I showed a picture of my prescription drug stash. Although 5% of me thinks "FABULOUS! PAINKILLERS! WHEEEEE!" the rest of me is saddened. I take Rx drugs for my asthma, my allergies, my anxiety/depression, my pain, my energy level and to sleep. Most of it is FMS-related. If I could pop a vicodin or tramadol to get a buzz once in a while I would be happy as a clam at high tide. Which, if you are curious, is the full expression. "Happy as a clam" by itself has no meaning, but a clam at high tide is a happy one, indeed. (Clam digging is done at low tide) Back to my story.
I don't take vicodin or tramadol or anything else at this point in my life to get high. I take them to function and I hate it. I've added some natural vitamins and supplements in the hopes of reducing the more harmful drugs, but at this point there are layers and layers of drugs and side effects and drugs to counter the side effects and sometimes at night I wonder to myself, "Am I lost in all this? Who am I, really? Without any drugs, who is Sam?"
A major part of the problem is that I'm in a bad place right now mentally. I've been out of work since the beginning of March. While Chicken loves me being at home and I love being there when he walks home from school, not working equals not paying off the debt I have accrued. And... no babies for Sam until my debt is greatly reduced. What? That tick-tock you just heard? That was my biological clock telling me my next birthday is number 34.
Also, Teddy Bear and I are heading to Grand Junction, Colorado in three weeks to bury my father. Before he died, we talked about his wishes and he wanted to be cremated and buried in the Veteran's State Cemetery in his home town. Although I could have let the funeral home ship his cremains to Colorado, I wanted to bring him myself. I want to visit his home town and hopefully meet cousins that I didn't know existed. I find myself a year and a half after his death picking out a headstone and making arrangements and it's all so horrible.
Which leads back to the drugs. FMS is very, extremely, terribly linked to your state of mind. Stress and depression worsen symptoms, which worsen depression, which creates a downward cycle of suckage. I want off the meds, I want a job, I want to stop crying over my father. I want to take a vicodin to go WHEEEE!! and not to stop the throbbing pain. I want a baby. Is there a world where all those things can happen? I hope so.
PS Funny post below. Sorry for the melancholy.
posted by Sam at
3:46 PM
6 Comments:
Sam. To answer your question, yes, there is a world where all those things can happen. And the great thing is, it's right here on Planet Earth, so you don't need to book a flight on the next faster-than-light starship heading out of the Solar System.
Trouble is, it may take some time to get there. I say this for two reasons: first you're body has probably become accustomed to the various chemicals you've been ingesting, which means there could be a withdrawal period once you decide to stop using them. Second is finding the right natural substitutes to help you get back on your feet. These natural substitutes may not necessarily be in the form of dietary supplements. They could very well be in the form of changes to your regular diet.
My suggestion would be to see if you can find a reputable and trustworthy naturopathic healer in your area. I know of a couple here in AZ, but I don't think you want to make the 8-hour trek just to get out here. This may sound so sixties or something, but honestly, I've seen naturopathic remedies do wonders that our overhyped drug industry couldn't touch. So give it some consideration.
On a final note, I'm not sure I understand the whole "getting high on vicodin" thing. I took vicodin tablets when I had my wisdumb teeth removed a couple of weeks ago. I only took them at night (and the dreams they produced were the most bizarre I've ever had in my 38.5 years on this Earth), except for the first day out of the doc's office where I took one every several hours, but I never felt any kind of high off them. Was I doing them wrong?
Jeezy Creezy Sam...we must be channeling each other's thoughts. I just had this exact conversation with RHR LAST NIGHT. Drugs, stopping them, getting a job, being normal again, another baby...the ENTIRE post!
I guess we're in the same boat...want me to row for awhile?
Hmmmmmm... Much of what you say does indeed suck, if my calculations are correct.
One thing at a time, though. x
((hugs))
When I broke my neck at work I went through these same motions when the fuckers at the dr office wanted to instal a morphine pump in my hip I told then to go to hell.
It takes time.. and patience....
OMG! I have FMS as well and even though I used to read posts at a fms forum, it has been quite some time - years - since I've heard words like yours I could relate to. I suffer kind of in silence and very much alone.
After 10+ years of drugs I'm finally almost drug free but not really well, either. But I can finally understand what is me and what is a side effect. What is a natural reaction to stress or food or whatever - instead of it being the drugs.
I do take Ambien at night, but honestly, it only ensures I stay sleeping on a schedule. The sleep isn't that much better. But at least I never lay awake at night in pain. AND I DONT NAP IN THE DAY!! That was the biggie for me - getting off the meds that masde me so drowsy that I had to sleep in the day.
Well, I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading through your blog this morning - you are witty and funny. I envy your sense of humor. I'm trying to develop mine to be stronger to combat depression and anxiety. No meds for that right now.
I'm an Army wife in Germany. Keep laughing - I'll check in again for sure!
One more thing - yes, nautropathy works. I went to a world reknowned fms dude here in Germany. Dr Weiss. VERY special diet and special massages for lymphatic drainage. Also, cost prohibitive after two months I simply could not afford it any longer.
Got me off meds, though and that is tough. Pain increases when you come off. Anxiety and depression get worse for a while. My doc here participates in major pharmaceutical studies regularly. He has proven with his patients time and again that antidepressants are only for the short term. Long term use is too damaging. You are better off getting a pet - really.
He gives drops of amytryptoline to induce sleep - 1-5 mg max where in our country 10 mg is smallest dose available.
I'll be going back when I feel strong enough to deal with the language barrier and sure I'm not wasting my money. Before, I wasnt' able to stick to his strict diet and do the exercises, becasue I was way too depressed coming off the meds.
This whole thing will take time - the coming off of the drugs that are doing more harm than good - but what other choice is there? I want to encourage you to get support from accupuncture, massage, chiropracty (sp?), etc and get off the damned meds as much as you can. They fuck with your body's natural ability to cope. Once off the meds, you get to do other things that will in the long run benefit you more - like stretching, supplements (check out omega 3 and depression).
I've only been off for 8 months and I'm just starting to exercise more. One thing at a time - with lots of hope. And I'm doing thereapy that I've avoided for 10+ years cause antidepressants masked my issues. If I fix the coping issues, then I'm pretty sure the FMS will eventually go into remission. Relationship, perfectionism,...
OK - enough already.
Widhing you well! AWIG
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