Where Life Bitch Slaps Me

I've been avoiding my blog for the past few days. I've wanted to post but then start and can't finish and FUCK I'm having issues. You see, I let Teddy Bear dispense my meds to me for a few weeks without overseeing his dispensing techniques. Most of my medications I take in the evening, one per each type. Not a lot to fuck up there. Flonase for the sneezy, allergic to cats nose, steriod inhaler for sucky-ass lungs, brain meds and birth control pill. I know I forgot one or twelve pills but you get the picture. The only one that is mission critical is the birth control pill, which for simplicities sake will be known in this post as "The PILL". I'm on a pill with three levels of hormones and a week of sugar pills for the time that Aunt Flo is visiting. The level of hormones goes something like this:

Week 1: HIGH dosage to keep eggs from wandering out of ovaries.
Week 2: Medium dosage (same effect as above) not as critical because ovulation is suppressed for the month.
Week 3: Low dosage (same as above) just take the damn pill and shut up you're not going to get pregnant this month.

Teddy Bear wasn't used to my new pill packs (I switched to generic a few months ago) and instead of giving me the dosage in the HIGH, MEDIUM, LOW format I received LOW, MEDIUM and then I took a look at the pill package. And nearly fucking shit myself. Twice. Because although I may not be a rocket scientist I know a few things. Well, I know several important things I shall list below:

1. I have been historically known as a fertile Myrtle.
2. A low dosage of hormones during the high week is probably not enough to suppress ovulation.
3. I "did it" the week of the low dosage.

Remember how I wasn't feeling well? Part of me thought "Holy fuck I'm pregnant" and another part of me though "Duh! you're 33 and under lots of stress and taking a zillion medications and drinking ALCOHOL there is no way you're pregnant". I decided that I was insane and I would wait until my period either appeared or did not appear before totally freaking the fuck out.

Then I started spotting that special kind of spotting you get when you're having a miscarriage and I was so torn. I want a baby with Teddy Bear so badly, just not right now. Not while I'm taking medications that can fuck up a baby. Not while we're living with his parents. Not now. But? I was pregnant. For a few short weeks. And it hurts and I don't know what to think or say. I emailed Ewe Girl but other than that no one knows. What do you tell your friends? "Hi I was pregnant and now I'm not and I'm sad but glad but this sucks and WHY NOW?"

I've wanted to tell you guys, my Internet friends but it has been so hard to say. Typing it makes it real, and reality sucks my ass. My unemployed, crampy, miserable uterus ass.