You Stupid Twat

First, let me say that I have been harboring some resentment for the lack of commenting on my not-so-brilliant posts of late. Yes, I have become a whore for comments. Fucking sue me. But when I put my heart and soul/ten minutes of my time into coding a website, some of you fuckers should comment. Like "link is broken" or "do this better" or "have my babies". Thank you to Mr. Sathers for his comment on the site. The rest of you deserve spankings. And not the sexy kind. Also, no excuses will be accepted. Because Anne, the goddess of sex and owner of Smith and all around kick-ass chick that I will fondle inappropriately some day is battling CANCER and she still comments. You feel like a total douche now, don't you? I hope so!

Now, I have an actual Story for you, not that you deserve it you fucking heathens. Let me preface it for the newbies with a short "my mother is insane". Okay? Here we go, hold on tight mutherfuckers!

I am still looking for a fucking job. Hence the repeated use of the "f" word. I have had many, many offers to do financial planning. I DON'T WANT TO!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. FUCK YOU!

Sorry. My mother is trying to help me find a job. She recommended that I send my resume to one of her friends and try the local school district. Well... the last time I send a resume to one of her friends the response back was:

We don't have any internships available at this time, but check back at the beginning of the summer.

Uh? What? How old am I? I have a fucking BS, professional experience and internship what?
Douchebag. So I sent the resume to the other friend just to get my mom off my fucking back. I browsed the jobs at the local school district and found some exciting opportunities:

• Part-time school bus driver
• Part-time locker room attendant (mmm...naked high school girls?)
• Cafeteria lady (not enough hairy moles to qualify for this one)

Thanks MOM!! The last suggestion my mother had was the BEST EVER. My mother is very involved with her church (Methodist, thanks for asking) and is part of the Prayer Chain. Essentially, people request to have a loved one prayed for in times of need. For example:

• Someone they loved died
• Someone they loved is dying
• Someone they loved is very ill
• Someone they loved had something VERY BAD happen to them

A group of people get together and pray for those people in need. Get it? Okay, onward with the horror of the story.

A man emailed the prayer chain with a request to pray for his wife. This email was forwarded to my mother. She then forwarded it to me. Why? Because the man emailed the prayer chain from his work email. His standard signature was at the bottom and it looked something like this:

Dr. Joe Smith
Associate Vice President for Human Resources
Major Local University
Street Address
San Diego, CA
Email: joesmith@university.com
619-123-45676 (Fax) 619-123-4567

My mother's note at the bottom:

Sam, here's a contact at Major Local University! Give it a try!

Oh my GAWD.