My Name Is Sam
My name is Sam and I am a total dumbass. I was excited to come home and read all your comments when I noticed it said Monday for the post date. I was awfully confused, especially since I was eager to put up my HNT this evening. That's when it dawned on me: Today is Tuesday. Today is NOT Wednesday. Tomorrow is not Thursday. Holy fucknut. I have an excuse, a mighty and wonderful excuse.
Shortest Backstory Ever: I quit smoking on June 11, 2005. I used the nicotine patch to help me stop smoking. I'm pretty sure that I have broken the world record of the longest usage of the nicotine patch without lapsing back into smoking.
Just over three weeks ago I was taking a nap while Baby Z was taking a nap. He woke up, which in turn woke me up. I stumbled into his room, grabbed him and plopped his cute little bod onto the changing table. I then realized that I was light-headed, dizzy and very interested in either vomiting or shitting my brains out. Quite possibly both at the same time. I managed to outfit Baby Z in a clean, dry, happy, happy diaper and get both of us safely onto the floor. The floor was a nice place to be as it kept me from feeling like I was going to fall down and Baby Z could not possibly fall while laying on the floor.
I waited about 45 minutes before I called Momma Z and told her that my child caretaking skills were gravely stunted and she needed to return home. As a precaution, I removed my 14mg nicotine patch because I thought it might exacerbate the problem. H3.2 picked me up in the Bat Mobile and told me that I looked like Hell.
Five hours later I felt fairly close to human, except for the nicotine withdrawal. Ever a cautious gal I donned a 7mg patch and sighed as the nicotine flowed through my veins. Until 15 minutes later when I began to feel dizzy and shitty and vomity (new word) again. Apparently my body, without prior permission/approval/consent/fuckall decided that 16 years of nicotine is the limit and no more shall be tolerated.
I resorted to applying a 7mg patch for a few minutes several times a day until I broke down and spent the thirty bucks to buy nicotine gum. I was able to chew three pieces a day for a few minutes and accomplish both:
A) Relief from withdrawal
B) Minimal nausea and dizziness
As I prepared for my scrapbooking weekend my typical routine of bringing enough nicotine patches to supply a high school was disrupted by the disuse of said patches. Therefore, in my excitement and fuckup of routine I only had ONE piece of nicotine gum (2mg) to last from 6pm Friday until 12pm Sunday. H3.2 was waiting for the news of a XYZ Mountain Massacre all weekend. I chewed 1/2 piece Saturday around noon and another 1/2 about midnight. I had two pieces on Sunday and two on Monday.
My last piece was 5:00pm on Monday, March 27. I have not killed or injured any human during the past days of withdrawal. I have thought about killing/injuring Dude during this period of time, however the fucker has it coming.
What does all of this mean? I'm officially a quitter. I did it. I might have enabled Chicken to celebrate his 32nd year of life without watching me die, as my dad watched his mom die, as I watched my dad die. Maybe I quit in time to break the cycle. I hope I did.
So there's my excuse. I have no idea what day it is, I can't write worth a shit and I think I lost my vagina. But I'm clean, dammit.
Shortest Backstory Ever: I quit smoking on June 11, 2005. I used the nicotine patch to help me stop smoking. I'm pretty sure that I have broken the world record of the longest usage of the nicotine patch without lapsing back into smoking.
Just over three weeks ago I was taking a nap while Baby Z was taking a nap. He woke up, which in turn woke me up. I stumbled into his room, grabbed him and plopped his cute little bod onto the changing table. I then realized that I was light-headed, dizzy and very interested in either vomiting or shitting my brains out. Quite possibly both at the same time. I managed to outfit Baby Z in a clean, dry, happy, happy diaper and get both of us safely onto the floor. The floor was a nice place to be as it kept me from feeling like I was going to fall down and Baby Z could not possibly fall while laying on the floor.
I waited about 45 minutes before I called Momma Z and told her that my child caretaking skills were gravely stunted and she needed to return home. As a precaution, I removed my 14mg nicotine patch because I thought it might exacerbate the problem. H3.2 picked me up in the Bat Mobile and told me that I looked like Hell.
Five hours later I felt fairly close to human, except for the nicotine withdrawal. Ever a cautious gal I donned a 7mg patch and sighed as the nicotine flowed through my veins. Until 15 minutes later when I began to feel dizzy and shitty and vomity (new word) again. Apparently my body, without prior permission/approval/consent/fuckall decided that 16 years of nicotine is the limit and no more shall be tolerated.
I resorted to applying a 7mg patch for a few minutes several times a day until I broke down and spent the thirty bucks to buy nicotine gum. I was able to chew three pieces a day for a few minutes and accomplish both:
A) Relief from withdrawal
B) Minimal nausea and dizziness
As I prepared for my scrapbooking weekend my typical routine of bringing enough nicotine patches to supply a high school was disrupted by the disuse of said patches. Therefore, in my excitement and fuckup of routine I only had ONE piece of nicotine gum (2mg) to last from 6pm Friday until 12pm Sunday. H3.2 was waiting for the news of a XYZ Mountain Massacre all weekend. I chewed 1/2 piece Saturday around noon and another 1/2 about midnight. I had two pieces on Sunday and two on Monday.
My last piece was 5:00pm on Monday, March 27. I have not killed or injured any human during the past days of withdrawal. I have thought about killing/injuring Dude during this period of time, however the fucker has it coming.
What does all of this mean? I'm officially a quitter. I did it. I might have enabled Chicken to celebrate his 32nd year of life without watching me die, as my dad watched his mom die, as I watched my dad die. Maybe I quit in time to break the cycle. I hope I did.
So there's my excuse. I have no idea what day it is, I can't write worth a shit and I think I lost my vagina. But I'm clean, dammit.
posted by Sam at
5:50 PM
18 Comments:
HURRAH!!!!!!
Way to go Sammy!!!
I'm proud of you and I'm sure your house will smell so much nicer without the stank of cigarette smoke.....
Congratulations! Good for you and for your family.
Okay..I was totally with you until the lost my vagina part..
Very happy for you though!
That is awesome, congrats on kicking the beast. I think H3.2 will help you find your vagina again, so don't worry about that. And I think you should post an HNT on Wednesday AND Thursday, double down for this week. Just my 2 cents.
Yay!! ....and p.s.. thanks for not killing me that weekend!
p.p.s. ya know I will totally congrad you later... with chocolate.. or... uh..ice cream... or.. something!
CONGRATULATIONS SAM~
Woo Hoo! Awesome! I'm betting Chicken saw all the trouble you have gone through to quit, and that alone shows how important it was to you. Making it a big deal not to smoke. Did that make sense? I haven't finished my morning caffiene.
If it makes you feel better, my days are off all the time, and I have absolutely no excuse.
God job. Wow - you smoked for 16 years - I can't imagine. I smoked for like MAYBE a year and just wasn't into it. I can't imagine trying to quit after 16 years.
You quitter you.
WOOOO!!! Happy dance for you. And I can't even imagine how you might've lost your vagina amidst all these goings on, but I trust that you would know.
Good for you babe! Except, ummm.. where did your vagina go?
Good for you, Sam! I'm so proud for you. You are a very strong lady and I truly admire you.
Sam
1) Congratulations to you. And I mean that, babe.
2) I am wondering if H3.2 knows you lost your vagina? Maybe he has helped you look for it? Or is this some subtle way of saying you've not been in the mood for the past ten days? Not that it's any of our business.
*VB imagines a ticker tape parade for Sam inside her over-active imagination.*
yay for sam!!!! as a former smoker (who cheats with A cigarette about 3 times a year) i totally understand how hard it is to quit. major major props.
you are the only person i know who has quit using that patch/gum substitute stuff. that is impressive.
are you SURE it was the nicotine? i got randomly dizzy once and it was vertigo (aka Almost Hell on Earth). it could be low blood pressure, dehydration or some other medical condition. maybe you should go to the doctor?
especially since you've misplaced an entire orifice. did it go down the drain in the shower because it wants to be with its clot?
"I think I lost my vagina."
you know I can help you find that if you'd like.... (I felt very sleazy writing that)
Hey, that's great! Now you just have to find your vagina. Maybe H3.2 can help.
Congratulations to you!
If only I had the willpower
Maverick Kumari
Sam, I know that I am late to this show, but you RAWK! Which is blogspeak for I love you, you inspire me, you are amazing and you can add your own accolades. I am proud of you. I quit smoking when my dad died of cancer, too. Nothing like the loss of a loved one to make you wake the fuck up. Good for you. Your dad is proud, I am sure.
Congratulations!! I've quit many times - and each time in a different way. I'm now two years clean and it's a great feeling.
Stick with it - you done good!
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