Whatever
All comments are now forwarded to my samsstories@gmail.com account. Previously they were forwarded to my personal.private.address@gmail.com. You know, the account that you shall never have access to because it contains all my TOTALLY NAKED SEX PICTURES. As about half of you said "fuck it" and half said "email me responses" I will do the following in regards to my comment responding.
Next Item of Blogging:
My friend Toby? Well he found me through a door which I have subsequently closed (I hope). Not to him, but to future stalkers. Toby is allowed to stalk me, and has successfully done so since we were 16. Well, I was sixteen. He was 40. Ha ha. Just kidding. Actually, when is his birthday? He's a yearish older than I am.... hmmm.... must ask. I suck ass at remembering birthdays. Anyway... he stumbled upon this blog, thinking it might be mine. He read a bit... and recognized my pottymouth ways. I haven't seen him since the fall of 2002. I haven't lived in the same city as Toby since 1999, and he was moving away as I was moving back. We haven't maintained a regular friendship where we talked a bunch and lived in the same geographic region since 1995?? Yet he reads my blog and says "Yep, that's Sam." Oh, and the Porn Stars post helped. I'll post his blog URL if he lets me.
Hair Babies
I've already said that I don't wash my hair daily as it would result in serious hair badness. When I do wash my hair, it creates what H3.2 calls a "hair baby". A clump of hair that would like to go down the drain but is stuck on the grate thingy similar to the one pictured here. When I am done showering, I am supposed to grab aforementioned hair baby and dispose of it. One problem: wet hair NOT attached to a body is disgusting. So if I pick it up when I'm done showering I am dirty again and need to shower. However, if I let it dry I can pick it up and throw it away. But... I shower at night. The next morning, H3.2 showers. So he is left with the hair baby. One day he picked up the grate thingy and let my hair baby go down the drain. Now the drain is not draining quickly enough to keep up with the flow of water. This = standing water. Which is the GROSSEST thing in the whole entire world.
Standing shower water is grosser (I insist this is a word no matter how stupid it looks) than the following things:
1. ATM (no, not the money machine)
2. Red Wings
3. Eating poop (see ATM which is close enough)
4. Licking a toilet
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but I think I've clearly explained how I feel about standing water in the shower. It means: no sex in the shower. No shower while on period (there is another shower in the house, don't worry). And worst of all--- NO PEEING IN THE SHOWER which = no enjoyment of shower AT ALL. It means I MUST OPEN THE DRAIN.
The reason for no sex in the shower is that after the sex part is over, there are *ahem* secretions that want to exit and standing in a pool of THAT while attempting to be clean when there is possibly CUM floating between your toes is YUCK. The same goes for the period thing. Imagine if you will, big red stringy chunkage (another word that I want to be a word so it is one) swirling about in the pink water below. Have you vomited yet?
Even if, under the best of conditions (no sex or period) you are still standing in a pool of unclean water. I'm one of THOSE people that must:
Are the depths of my psychosis showing true this evening? Did you imagine how neurotic I truly am? You must realize that about many, many things I am mellow. But showering/bathing is not one of them. No, no no. Standing water is bad. I shall add it to my list of "Stupid Things About Me." Maybe I should add one of those "Wish List" or "Tip Jar" buttons to my blog. Except my button would point directly to my Xanax prescription costs or psychiatrist's bank account. I think the Xanax is better, because with enough Xanax, who needs a shrink?
- Half of the time I will say "fuck it", read your comment, chuckle, blush, pee a little and move on to posting more.
- Half of the time I will say "fuck it", read your comment, chuckle, blush, pee a little and respond to you via email if it is included in your comment/log-in/whatever.
- Half of the time I will say "fuck it" and masturbate to a photo of Dude while pretending to read your comments.
Next Item of Blogging:
My friend Toby? Well he found me through a door which I have subsequently closed (I hope). Not to him, but to future stalkers. Toby is allowed to stalk me, and has successfully done so since we were 16. Well, I was sixteen. He was 40. Ha ha. Just kidding. Actually, when is his birthday? He's a yearish older than I am.... hmmm.... must ask. I suck ass at remembering birthdays. Anyway... he stumbled upon this blog, thinking it might be mine. He read a bit... and recognized my pottymouth ways. I haven't seen him since the fall of 2002. I haven't lived in the same city as Toby since 1999, and he was moving away as I was moving back. We haven't maintained a regular friendship where we talked a bunch and lived in the same geographic region since 1995?? Yet he reads my blog and says "Yep, that's Sam." Oh, and the Porn Stars post helped. I'll post his blog URL if he lets me.
Hair Babies
I've already said that I don't wash my hair daily as it would result in serious hair badness. When I do wash my hair, it creates what H3.2 calls a "hair baby". A clump of hair that would like to go down the drain but is stuck on the grate thingy similar to the one pictured here. When I am done showering, I am supposed to grab aforementioned hair baby and dispose of it. One problem: wet hair NOT attached to a body is disgusting. So if I pick it up when I'm done showering I am dirty again and need to shower. However, if I let it dry I can pick it up and throw it away. But... I shower at night. The next morning, H3.2 showers. So he is left with the hair baby. One day he picked up the grate thingy and let my hair baby go down the drain. Now the drain is not draining quickly enough to keep up with the flow of water. This = standing water. Which is the GROSSEST thing in the whole entire world.Standing shower water is grosser (I insist this is a word no matter how stupid it looks) than the following things:
1. ATM (no, not the money machine)
2. Red Wings
3. Eating poop (see ATM which is close enough)
4. Licking a toilet
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but I think I've clearly explained how I feel about standing water in the shower. It means: no sex in the shower. No shower while on period (there is another shower in the house, don't worry). And worst of all--- NO PEEING IN THE SHOWER which = no enjoyment of shower AT ALL. It means I MUST OPEN THE DRAIN.
The reason for no sex in the shower is that after the sex part is over, there are *ahem* secretions that want to exit and standing in a pool of THAT while attempting to be clean when there is possibly CUM floating between your toes is YUCK. The same goes for the period thing. Imagine if you will, big red stringy chunkage (another word that I want to be a word so it is one) swirling about in the pink water below. Have you vomited yet?
Even if, under the best of conditions (no sex or period) you are still standing in a pool of unclean water. I'm one of THOSE people that must:
A. Scrub the tub
and
B. Shower myself
BEFORE taking a bath.
and
B. Shower myself
BEFORE taking a bath.
Are the depths of my psychosis showing true this evening? Did you imagine how neurotic I truly am? You must realize that about many, many things I am mellow. But showering/bathing is not one of them. No, no no. Standing water is bad. I shall add it to my list of "Stupid Things About Me." Maybe I should add one of those "Wish List" or "Tip Jar" buttons to my blog. Except my button would point directly to my Xanax prescription costs or psychiatrist's bank account. I think the Xanax is better, because with enough Xanax, who needs a shrink?
posted by Sam at
9:53 PM
8 Comments:
I WAS EATING A FREKIN' BOWL OF CEREAL WHEN I READ THIS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
I was doing very well with my bowl of cereal until the very part where you described, in vivid and gory detail, the concept of the period in the shower.
Now that I have that out of the way...
1 - ATM = Asynchronous Transfer Mode. A cell relay network protocol which encodes data traffic into small fixed-sized (53 byte; 48 bytes of data and 5 bytes of header information) cells instead of variable sized packets as in packet-switched networks (such as the Internet Protocol or Ethernet). It is a connection-oriented technology, in which a connection is established between the two endpoints before the actual data exchange begins.
I can only assume this is what you were meaning. And yes, I'd have to agree that standing shower water would be waaaaay grosser than this.
2 - Why, after reading this post, do I now liken you to Sally Albright from the movie When Harry Met Sally...?
3 - I would like to express how proud I am of you. Really, this post was exceptionally free and clear of any pottymouthing (I propose that this become a word, too).
I have hair babies, too. Drives my husband crazy.
Now, however, whenever we have sex in the shower, I am going to be paranoid about the cum floating briefly between my toes on the way to meet the hair baby on the grate thingy. EWWW!
Whenever I need a good belly chuckle, I know to come to Sam's site. lol
The gel type Draino works wonderfully, you'll be rid of cum between the toes in no time.
i am just going to sit here and laugh...
peace...
Sam,
I'm only a few months older than you I think. My birthday is in August and I can't remember your birthday either. *smile*
Stalking you is a hard habit to break, especially when you forget to renew your restraining order.
<3 Tob
I was doing fine, up to the "big red stringy chunkage".
Still laughing a little bit, though...
OMG i am laughing so hard. Sam your just like the rest of us your not much different. LOL CHUNKAGE LOL LOL
Are you really this fucked up? And why do I always get to your blog after everyone else has?
I have fucking 24 on TIVO pause b/c I need to catch up on your fucking life!!!
Ho hum.
If you don't have sex in the shower, and he.... um... well - releases his man batter inside you.... you have to do something with it, right? Isn't walking to the toilet and letting some baby juice sprinkle down your thigh grosser (great word) then showering with Jerkins betwixt your little piggies?
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