Asshole
Chicken is cognitively advanced for his age in multiple subjects and consistently amazes me with his grasp of complex ideas. However, his writing sucks ass. He can verbally express himself until I am nervously looking around for a sharp object with which to impale myself. Almost every day I must bellow "You may not talk to me until you complete XX task that I asked to you do." Who am I kidding? Multiple times a day I holler this like a farmer at a pig hollering festival where the first prize is sexual relations with aforementioned pig.
His written skills are grade level on a good day. Somewhere between his brain and the paper the ideas get stuck and he stops cold. As a child that doesn't want to do ANYTHING that he can't do well, he hates to write with a hateful passion he typically reserves for minivans. Yes, it's that bad.
Recently Chicken was required to write a five paragraph report. Which he conveniently forgot about until the night before it was due. I thought briefly about killing myself right there as an unforgettable lesson in procrastination for Chicken, and then decided against it. Although I bet he never would have put off another project as long as he lived. "The last time I put off something someone DIED" would ricochet off his synapses for all time. Great parenting idea, I must save that one for later...
To maturely express my feelings about the procrastination I called him an asshole. Which is not that uncommon in this household. It's similar the term brat at Sam's place. I use it to refer to the cat, the kid, the H3.2 and various inanimate objects. Stunned by the word, Chicken laughed, stood up on his chair (I was sitting next to him) pulled down his pajama bottoms and boxers, spread his buttcheeks and yelled "Here's my asshole!" Oh My Gawd. I did not want to see that. Thank goodness he had just showered.
Erin recently posted about the delight found in calling your child an asshole and mentioned an episode of Sex in The City. At that moment I decided to educate all parents that call their children assholes. You may think that it is a swell way to express yourself, however it can lead to the dreaded sighting of your 9 year-olds brown eye. Please, for the love of your retinas do NOT call your child an asshole. It will scar you.
His written skills are grade level on a good day. Somewhere between his brain and the paper the ideas get stuck and he stops cold. As a child that doesn't want to do ANYTHING that he can't do well, he hates to write with a hateful passion he typically reserves for minivans. Yes, it's that bad.
Recently Chicken was required to write a five paragraph report. Which he conveniently forgot about until the night before it was due. I thought briefly about killing myself right there as an unforgettable lesson in procrastination for Chicken, and then decided against it. Although I bet he never would have put off another project as long as he lived. "The last time I put off something someone DIED" would ricochet off his synapses for all time. Great parenting idea, I must save that one for later...
To maturely express my feelings about the procrastination I called him an asshole. Which is not that uncommon in this household. It's similar the term brat at Sam's place. I use it to refer to the cat, the kid, the H3.2 and various inanimate objects. Stunned by the word, Chicken laughed, stood up on his chair (I was sitting next to him) pulled down his pajama bottoms and boxers, spread his buttcheeks and yelled "Here's my asshole!" Oh My Gawd. I did not want to see that. Thank goodness he had just showered.
Erin recently posted about the delight found in calling your child an asshole and mentioned an episode of Sex in The City. At that moment I decided to educate all parents that call their children assholes. You may think that it is a swell way to express yourself, however it can lead to the dreaded sighting of your 9 year-olds brown eye. Please, for the love of your retinas do NOT call your child an asshole. It will scar you.
posted by Sam at
12:07 PM
11 Comments:
Can't imagine why Nuggets, (since you have a nickname for Chicken - so do I), didn't have his Momma's creative writing passed along to him. You should write a novel, it'd be a great read.
Oh, and loved the minivan comment.
this is the first time Chicken has done this??? count yourself lucky...Pman does this now... :)
peace...
I was laughing so hard my side hurt! I think I will stick with Brat. My 8 year old has responded to that as if it were her nickname for years now. The two-year-old is Bity Brat. Because she's little bity. :)
OMG! My child would never do that. He is WAY to modest. He doesn't even like it if I come into the bathroom when he is hidden behind the shower curtain. The BLACK shower curtain! But I won't call him asshole anyway. At least not to his face. What happens when you call your daughter a bitch, I wonder?
Oh shit. I'm pissing myself laughing. Chicken, honey, if you were about 20 years older, I'd hunt you down. But, alas, I'm old enough to be your mother.
I'll be sure to keep my name calling to the internet! ;P
To Chicken: Way to go. For more fun, the next time your mom falls asleep, write something on her forehead.
Oh My God!!! Sam, you are hilarious!!! And you are so lucky to have a child with a great sense of humor.
Sam, I'm going to jump over the obvious topic here and mention that you have a badly created sentence in your blog.
You wrote: Although I bet he never would have put off another project as long as he lived.
It should read: Although I bet he would never put off another project as long as he lived.
Geez, and you say Chicken's writing is bad. ;-)
Good thing you didn't call him asswipe. That wouldn't have been pretty.
I would give a kidney to be a fly on the wall in your house.
that was hilarious. i love how you are trying to create an association between "procrastinating" and "death" in his brain. LOL!
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