Alcohol
My cranky old man next door neighbor has a new girlfriend. He is in his mid-eighties and she's 72. He's pretty damn happy about life, which ordinarily would be great for me. However, his girlfriend has a dog that for some reason has to come over to Cranky Ass' house. This poor dog, yips and whines and basically drives me up the fucking wall. Why bring a dog to someone's house and then LEAVE IT?! Leave the fucking dog at home where it can bother your neighbors, stupid woman.
One day this week I was coming home and just about to pull into my parking spot when a dog runs up to the car. It's an older cocker spaniel, and I open up the passenger door to make sure that the dog didn't brain itself by running into the car. The dog hops into my car, bounces onto my lap and says "hi!" I must say that animals and children love me. I'm not sure why, but I'm used to being lovingly assaulted by furry creatures and drooling toddlers. This dog had a tag on it, her name was Lady. Wow. Original. I called the owner and left a message, and took Lady into my house. Dude promptly hid under my bed.
I wasn't feeling great, so I put a towel on the couch (she needed a bath and doggy stink isn't what I wanted on my sofa) and I curled up with Lady. An hour or so later, Cranky Ass knocked on the door and retrieved his GF's dog. He pratically humped my leg he was so happy (Cranky Ass, not the dog). He offered to get me my choice of beverage in return for my good deed. I request Patron Silver and I received a blank stare. Cheap bastard. "Tequila" I state. I'm praying that he doesn't find the cheapest bottle of nasty shit and deliver it to my door.
This morning as I deliver Chicken to my mother for a rousing time at church, Cranky Ass sees me outside and calls me "The ghost of Saturday night". Apparently I look like shit, although it's being sick and not hungover that makes my appearance so sexy. Cranky Ass hands me a bottle of champagne and states that it's more romantic than Tequila. I didnt' ask for romance, dumbass, and keep your damn fuck buddy's dog at her house.
Moments later, I was over at Jomama's place and discovered Waiter Rant . I'm probably the last person on earth to read it, but there was a post that I wanted to share. He describes what your drink of preference says about you. My drink says "You’re not afraid of spending a little time in jail." Here's the link to the alcohol post. Enjoy!
One day this week I was coming home and just about to pull into my parking spot when a dog runs up to the car. It's an older cocker spaniel, and I open up the passenger door to make sure that the dog didn't brain itself by running into the car. The dog hops into my car, bounces onto my lap and says "hi!" I must say that animals and children love me. I'm not sure why, but I'm used to being lovingly assaulted by furry creatures and drooling toddlers. This dog had a tag on it, her name was Lady. Wow. Original. I called the owner and left a message, and took Lady into my house. Dude promptly hid under my bed.
I wasn't feeling great, so I put a towel on the couch (she needed a bath and doggy stink isn't what I wanted on my sofa) and I curled up with Lady. An hour or so later, Cranky Ass knocked on the door and retrieved his GF's dog. He pratically humped my leg he was so happy (Cranky Ass, not the dog). He offered to get me my choice of beverage in return for my good deed. I request Patron Silver and I received a blank stare. Cheap bastard. "Tequila" I state. I'm praying that he doesn't find the cheapest bottle of nasty shit and deliver it to my door.
This morning as I deliver Chicken to my mother for a rousing time at church, Cranky Ass sees me outside and calls me "The ghost of Saturday night". Apparently I look like shit, although it's being sick and not hungover that makes my appearance so sexy. Cranky Ass hands me a bottle of champagne and states that it's more romantic than Tequila. I didnt' ask for romance, dumbass, and keep your damn fuck buddy's dog at her house.
Moments later, I was over at Jomama's place and discovered Waiter Rant . I'm probably the last person on earth to read it, but there was a post that I wanted to share. He describes what your drink of preference says about you. My drink says "You’re not afraid of spending a little time in jail." Here's the link to the alcohol post. Enjoy!
posted by Sam at
10:24 AM
15 Comments:
I've seen waiter rant before but much rather spend my time reading your blog. I hope you feel better. I like rum and coke.
In high school I really enjoyed lemonade and souther comfort. We called it a Hey, Vern.
They didn't have any of my favorite drinks on there. I'm thinking I should drink more.
I would rather have a good bottle of Tequila any day over champagne. I am not a real fan of champagne.
You may not be the last person to discover WaiterRant but you're close to it. Waiter's was the blog that linked to my defunct blog. The massive influx of traffic after that is what brought about its demise.
Me? I'd prefer a nip of Jack. But what do I know? I'm unbecoming and gloating! ;p)
Well, I don't drink alcohol (and I'm still darned fun to be around despite that), so I'll comment on the dog thing.
My neighbors will periodically dog sit for someone. My wife and I haven't figured out who keeps leaving their dogs there, but when we do, we're gonna shoot them (the people).
I'd like to shoot the dogs, but I think there's a law against that. I might get a ticket, or something.
And while I'm disgusted that you alredy did you taxes, I don't hate you for it. But I will immediately ignore you for the next 15 seconds.
...there, take that!
I don't do Tequila anymore, before I lost my previous posts I had written about it. Tequila is made for fighting, when you drink it an "S" appears on your chest.
Hi Sam. Been a while since I've been to your blog. Hope you're doing well. My sympathy to you for your loss of your father.
Now onto the drinks, how would one describe a person whose drink is Amaretto Sour? hmm.. :-)
-Jesse
How right on was that chart? Im a mojito loving fool..
I haven't had many on that list, but my favorite of them says I'm fun, good in bed and have a naughty sense of style.
I can live with that.
Hope you're feeling better. All my favorite bloggers (except Andi) are sick. I hope it's not catching.
Happy Valentine's Day Sam~
I'm with Heather..fun, good in bed, etc. How DID he know?
Happy VD my friend!
that's very cute. i was going to suggest killing and eating the dog. but then i decided it was too cute.
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