Spawn of Satan's Bday

So yesterday was quite an unusual day in sunny San Diego. It rained. Water poured forth from the sky. Dude was not amused and spent the day sleeping in a feeble attempt to make the cruel, cruel world go away. Chicken took drastic measures to avoid the rain today by PURPOSELY missing the school bus. He didn't want to walk home from the bus stop in the rain, so he avoided all school personnel until his bus had departed, then walked into the office to call me. However, I was waiting at the bus stop for him in order to drive him the whole block home safe and dry. Asshole. Yes, I just called my dear, sweet child an asshole.

I had to give him bonus points for being resourceful, but they were negated by the pissiness of the mommy when I had to drive through stupid traffic to pick his ass up at school and drive him back home. That's why I pay $179.00 per semester to the damn school district. You heard me correctly on that, for all of you mommies and daddies that pay diddly squat for school transportation. Almost two hundred dollars per semester. Without a bus pass, it is $1.75 each way.

So, I digress. Today is Chicken's birthday. He is a big, bad nine year old. Last week the mailman delivered a package from Amazon.com. It was addressed to Chicken, and Teddy Bear was watching him at the time. I had forgotten to give the blanket "Do not open anything for Chicken because it is probably a birthday present" statement. It was opened, and oh the wonders of Nintendogs for the Nintendo DS. Chicken wanted it sooo badly, however the mean and evil woman that I am, I instructed Teddy Bear to put it away until Chicken's ACTUAL birthday.

In which case I am severely punished for this misdeed, as Chicken gets up this morning and requests to play his new game. I instruct him to do his normal morning routine first, and then he can play. Twenty minutes later he bounces back into my room and requests the game again. I tell him where it is hidden, and he gleefully grabs the game and disappears into the mist/living room.

At this point H3.2 raises his head and says "What the fuck?" He informs me that it is 4:30am in the morning. I am blessed with a severe lack of vision, so I cannot read the huge numbers of my blue hair alarm clock unless I'm REALLY close to it. So I had no idea what time it was. Holy crap. No wonder I felt like I just was butt-fucked for 12 hours by angry pirates. Except for the fact that my ass probably would be sore if that happened, and my butt felt just dandy.

So I instruct my excited Satan spawn to go back to sleep. No dice. He was hopped up on birthday joy and no sleeping would be had by any means. I instruct him to chill in his room with his new game, shut off the 40 thousand lights he had turned on around the house, and I went back to sleep.

Let me just say right here that everything was okay until about 5:00pm. Then it all went to shit. Such unbelievable shit that only can happen when your child has been mainlining birthday goodness on 7 hours of sleep. Now, to you and me seven hours of sleep might be a cause for celebration. In my child it means lock the fucking doors and hide.

By 7pm Chicken had earned himself a month of no electronics and was in bed for the night, an hour and a half early. I decided that I must be the worst parent ever to exist in the whole realm of parenthood. My child was snotty, disrespectful, did not listen and was a basic jerk-off. I know some of these terms are redundant. But FUCK ME, he upset my ex-stepdad who is the most mellow man in the history of the world with his "your gifts suck ass" attitude. I did not raise my child to act like that, I swear. He will spend the next month repenting his actions or my name isn't Sam. Well, you know what I mean.

Sidenote: I should have known that the day was doomed when Chicken opened his first and very cool Erector set and wanted to know if it aided in giving erections.