Sam's Guide To Sex and Ex's
Today H2 and I went to the DMV to get the title on my car changed over to my name. We have a fairly good relationship these days, and we only spent 45 minutes at the DMV to complete a five minute transaction. Not bad for state government, huh? We carpooled to the DMV and we both wanted Starbucks on the way back to his place. There is a Starbucks nearby that has a drive-thru. The epitome of American laziness, drive-thru coffee. I love it. I'm so damn lazy that if this was a just world I would weigh 500 pounds. As I pull into the parking lot of Starbucks, we have a wonderful exchange that instantly reminded me why H2 is my EX-husband.
H2: "Ooohhh bagels. Hey, do you want to get a bagel and some coffee?"
Sam: "Uh. (stunned silence) I'm allergic to wheat."
H2: (laughs) "Oh yeah."
Can you fucking believe this shit? I found out that I can't have wheat over two years ago. We filed for divorce in November 2004. You would think he would remember something as important as I CAN'T EAT WHEAT. That's like forgetting that your spouse has a third testicle or some shit. What The Fuck?!
To contrast this event, let me tell you about my first "real" date with H3.2. He went online, researched San Diego restaurants that offered gluten-free food (no wheat) and took me out to dinner. For those of you that like to eat great steak, you've probably heard of the place, Ruth's Chris, AKA foodgasm. He made reservations, told me how dressy the evening was going to be and surprised me with a great dinner. He knew every item on the menu that I was able to eat. It was the most romantic dinner of my whole life. He was kind, thoughtful, and he stared into my eyes the whole evening. *sigh*
For all of you men out there, here are some tips for an awesome date:
*Disclaimer: If this is a first date, as in you don't really know each other, stop right here. Otherwise you will look creepy and desperate.
1. Make reservations. This is where you call a restaurant ahead of time and tell them that you are coming. It shows a capability to plan ahead and be thoughtful. It does not count if you call two hours before your date and make a reservation for 10:30pm. That gives you negative points for being a dumb-assed loser.
2. Pick a restaurant that requires some dressing up. Not like "Naughty Nurse" or "Bad Cop" dressing up you perverts! Girls like to feel pretty and sexy sometimes. Some more than others. Do not forget to tell her that you are going to a nice place. Nothing pisses off a woman more than showing up at a nice restaurant in sweats.
3. Put away the faded jeans and running shoes. Shave your damn face. Put some product in your hair. I do not mean your hair can be used as a runway for heavy aircraft. Just a little dab is fine. Wear clean clothes. Do NOT use the sniff test.
4. Open the door for her. THE WHOLE EVENING. Order a decent bottle of wine. If you don't understand wine, ask the server what they would recommend. That way you don't look like a moron. Oh, and don't drink the whole bottle by yourself. You do not get points for the most consumption. This is not a frat party.
5. Pay for Valet parking. Come on, it's only a few bucks more and she doesn't have to walk 1/2 mile in heels. It's a small price to pay to get some nookie points.
6. During dinner, ask her questions. The follow is a list of do's and don'ts for questions on this romantic evening:
Do's
H2: "Ooohhh bagels. Hey, do you want to get a bagel and some coffee?"
Sam: "Uh. (stunned silence) I'm allergic to wheat."
H2: (laughs) "Oh yeah."
Can you fucking believe this shit? I found out that I can't have wheat over two years ago. We filed for divorce in November 2004. You would think he would remember something as important as I CAN'T EAT WHEAT. That's like forgetting that your spouse has a third testicle or some shit. What The Fuck?!
To contrast this event, let me tell you about my first "real" date with H3.2. He went online, researched San Diego restaurants that offered gluten-free food (no wheat) and took me out to dinner. For those of you that like to eat great steak, you've probably heard of the place, Ruth's Chris, AKA foodgasm. He made reservations, told me how dressy the evening was going to be and surprised me with a great dinner. He knew every item on the menu that I was able to eat. It was the most romantic dinner of my whole life. He was kind, thoughtful, and he stared into my eyes the whole evening. *sigh*
For all of you men out there, here are some tips for an awesome date:
*Disclaimer: If this is a first date, as in you don't really know each other, stop right here. Otherwise you will look creepy and desperate.
1. Make reservations. This is where you call a restaurant ahead of time and tell them that you are coming. It shows a capability to plan ahead and be thoughtful. It does not count if you call two hours before your date and make a reservation for 10:30pm. That gives you negative points for being a dumb-assed loser.
2. Pick a restaurant that requires some dressing up. Not like "Naughty Nurse" or "Bad Cop" dressing up you perverts! Girls like to feel pretty and sexy sometimes. Some more than others. Do not forget to tell her that you are going to a nice place. Nothing pisses off a woman more than showing up at a nice restaurant in sweats.
3. Put away the faded jeans and running shoes. Shave your damn face. Put some product in your hair. I do not mean your hair can be used as a runway for heavy aircraft. Just a little dab is fine. Wear clean clothes. Do NOT use the sniff test.
4. Open the door for her. THE WHOLE EVENING. Order a decent bottle of wine. If you don't understand wine, ask the server what they would recommend. That way you don't look like a moron. Oh, and don't drink the whole bottle by yourself. You do not get points for the most consumption. This is not a frat party.
5. Pay for Valet parking. Come on, it's only a few bucks more and she doesn't have to walk 1/2 mile in heels. It's a small price to pay to get some nookie points.
6. During dinner, ask her questions. The follow is a list of do's and don'ts for questions on this romantic evening:
Do's
- If you could accomplish one thing in your life, what would it be?
- What is your happiest memory?
- What is your favorite thing to do?
- If we could leave here and fly anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?
- Ever watch Deep Throat?
- Do you swallow?
- How do you feel about two girls together?
- Are those real?
- Have you ever put out on a first date?
- Can I wear your panties?
posted by Sam at
3:59 PM
14 Comments:
DAMN--on the don'ts---Is 4 out if 5 bad?
Madman- There are six don'ts. Counting is an issue I see. Save the don'ts for girls like DG. Now that's a nice thought. Yummy!
I knew I shouldn't have taken her to the Naughty Nurse Diner. No wonder she won't return my calls. And moved.
Just follow the rules and you'll be fine. And never, ever admit to reading my blog. It's dirty.
awesomerad you are a genius i knew it.
Corinna- Shh! Don't tell anyone. :)
lmao!
They should put this post on a pamphlet and disribute it in all American high schools.
maybe I should be questioning my husband's queries of "pizza tonight?", but then I've only had it for a few months - takes some getting used to, right?
Kat- Always glad to help people lose their asses. Except for Aughra, 'cause she already has no ass.
LBB- I think this should be distributed at bars and nightclubs.
Nessa- Well, you said that you guys are having problems... and guys aren't always the sharpest tools in the shed. Put the two together and you've got "Hey- wanna sandwich/bagel/pizza/cookie?"
Crap. I just realized that I've never valet parked. Alone or with a penis-bearer. That's very sad. That's what I get for growing up in the sticks.
Andi- If there isn't any valet parking available, it's okay. The alternative is the man drops you off at the door to the restaurant and parks the car. You need to get out more!!
Good stuff, Sam. Now you're making the competition smarter!
DD- Just trying help out the ladies! (And the poor guys that can't seem to get it together)
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home