I Killed The Bathroom
*Disclaimer: If you are offended, disgusted, repulsed, or nauseated by poop, descriptions of bowel movements, bathrooms or feces in general do NOT read this post. Also, if you have a fecal fetish, please don't read this because that grosses me out.
My loyal readers already know that I felt crappy on Monday. What you didn't know was that I meant it literally. I had an upset tummy. Some of you may know that I have issues with wheat, and occasionally I eat out at restaurants and eat hidden forms of wheat. Wheat is everywhere. Like imitation crab. I won't give you the full list of what I can't eat, because this post would take years to write. Let's just say that I avoid wheat, or more specifically gluten. Gluten is the protein component of wheat, rye and barley. Okay, even I'm bored. There is a point here. I suffer from tummy issues. Avoiding wheat = happy tummy. Eating wheat = unhappy tummy. Got it? Good. Now onto today's events.
I had an appointment at the doctor's office earlier today. I was early, because I'm anal and I'm always early to appointments. The receptionist at this office is very chatty. We are talking and my tummy starts rumbling. Bad sign. My appointment time arrives, the doctor is ready and I start to discuss the reason for my visit. Tummy rumbles again. Two minutes into the appointment I bolt for the bathroom.
I must say that this is a small doctor's office. With one small bathroom, located in between where the receptionist/nurse sits and the doctor's office. I rush into the bathroom and have the more horrid, foul-smelling diarrhea ever. I'm sitting on the toilet, the doctor is waiting on me, my intestines are cramping like crazy and I'm shitting my brains out. Knowing my stomach, I could be here for an hour. I wanted to cry. I think I'm done, start washing my hands when it hits again. Oh God please just kill me now.
Remember the kid from American Pie, Paul Finch (AKA Shitbreak) when he has diarrhea at school? It wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad enough. I fucking killed the bathroom. There was just enough Lysol spray to make the bathroom smell like shit mixed with Lysol. Horribly embarrassed, I return to the doctor's office and finish my appointment. I am quite sure that the next time I attempt to schedule an appointment they won't have anything available. Like for the next five years.
My loyal readers already know that I felt crappy on Monday. What you didn't know was that I meant it literally. I had an upset tummy. Some of you may know that I have issues with wheat, and occasionally I eat out at restaurants and eat hidden forms of wheat. Wheat is everywhere. Like imitation crab. I won't give you the full list of what I can't eat, because this post would take years to write. Let's just say that I avoid wheat, or more specifically gluten. Gluten is the protein component of wheat, rye and barley. Okay, even I'm bored. There is a point here. I suffer from tummy issues. Avoiding wheat = happy tummy. Eating wheat = unhappy tummy. Got it? Good. Now onto today's events.
I had an appointment at the doctor's office earlier today. I was early, because I'm anal and I'm always early to appointments. The receptionist at this office is very chatty. We are talking and my tummy starts rumbling. Bad sign. My appointment time arrives, the doctor is ready and I start to discuss the reason for my visit. Tummy rumbles again. Two minutes into the appointment I bolt for the bathroom.
I must say that this is a small doctor's office. With one small bathroom, located in between where the receptionist/nurse sits and the doctor's office. I rush into the bathroom and have the more horrid, foul-smelling diarrhea ever. I'm sitting on the toilet, the doctor is waiting on me, my intestines are cramping like crazy and I'm shitting my brains out. Knowing my stomach, I could be here for an hour. I wanted to cry. I think I'm done, start washing my hands when it hits again. Oh God please just kill me now.
Remember the kid from American Pie, Paul Finch (AKA Shitbreak) when he has diarrhea at school? It wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad enough. I fucking killed the bathroom. There was just enough Lysol spray to make the bathroom smell like shit mixed with Lysol. Horribly embarrassed, I return to the doctor's office and finish my appointment. I am quite sure that the next time I attempt to schedule an appointment they won't have anything available. Like for the next five years.
posted by Sam at
2:01 PM
12 Comments:
ha! that's sad and funny. sunny.
You'll have to go back and check my archives from a few weeks ago. I posted a shit post, too. I have no gall bladder, therefore from time to time my ass just explodes. And no courtesy flush helps, man. And if you spray air freshener, it just smells like someone shit in the flower bed.
I feel your pain, girl. Totally feel it. But I still giggled when I read this. Sorry. Had to.
DAMN! I would laugh but that is how I found out I had Bleeding Ulcerative Colitos! I hope you fair better than I.
Funny shit. Er, I mean funny stuff. We have all been there. My old office was small and there was ONE bathroom and you had to walk past everyone to get to it. We have all had our blow outs, yet they REALLY suck when you have no privacy.
Why can't folks get over normal/crazy shit like that? We all end up embarassed.. which is strange because since I last checked, we are all human. Which means we all got a poop story.
I think I will incorporate poo talk more often, numb peoples emotions... then I can stink up any ole place I want without embarassment....Next time I poo, I will think of you Dear Sam.
Ho- I like to be sunny. My asshole is not sunny. It's angry.
Redneck- Don't feel guilty for laughing, that's why I posted it. And shit in the flower garden is what that bathroom smelled like. With extra fertilizer.
Madman- My ex-step-dad suffered from colitis for over 20 years. Steriods, bloody crampy shit and the rest. He went to a Chinese Natural Medicine doctor locally, and received acupuncture and had his diet changed (no dairy). He has had one outbreak in the last 10 years, due to way too much pizza one day. Have you looked into alternative medicine? He was skeptical but now he's a believer.
Anna- Please think of me as you poo. I would be most delighted. And I curse you with forever wipes for the next 24 hours. So there!
that must of been horrid for you. i am going to tell you this even though i have not mentioned it at all on my blog. i have problems too. i get rhoids. the ones that start with an H. regularly. i fucking hate it. i hate it a lot.
Oooooo... forever wipes. That's cruel....
I feel ya, sister! I feel ya!!! Every day has been like that - well, that or the nausea. Nausea's fun, but wiping my ass 1,000 times is WAY MORE FUN!
Corinna- Rhoids. Ouch. Had some problems myself with pregnancy induced rhoids. It's fine now, I just get to enjoy the blow-outs. H3.2 says rhoids are from too much butt sex. He's a dirty boy!!
Anna- That's me! You threaten to cut people, I threaten with forever wipes.
Nessa- It's all about flushable baby wipes, like the one toddlers use. Cold as hell but feels so much better on the bum.
It's interesting how such a vivid description of our 'darker' side can still be cute.
lol. I'm glad I'm not the only one with... uh...chronic intestinal disturbances.
Vince- I'm glad/disturbed that my torrential flood of shit can be considered "cute".
Lejnd- For some reason, poop is more taboo than sex. I was afraid that people would be totally grossed out by this post. Seems to me like everyone just wants to say "I poop too!"
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