I Hate Cats Too

This post is dedicated to Dude. I feel like crap today. I'm home in bed and I don't have enough energy to be funny. I'm cranky. And I want Thai food. Right now. I took a picture of my cat, Dude, because it shows exactly how I feel about today.

I'm feeling so inspired that I'd like to take a moment of your life and utterly waste in on boring information about my cat. Dude lives to eat and sleep. He occasionally brings in dead/half-dead animals. But mostly, he's the eatingest, sleepingest cat ever. He will only eat one thing. Iam's Diet Cat Food. Dry. He will not eat people food. He won't eat kitty treats. He does get high on cat nip so he's a little bit cool. He also needs to eat fresh food. For example, I will give him a scoop of food. He eats half of it and an hour later he goes back to the food bowl. Now the food is stale, rancid, and unfit for Dude usage. He cries "Meow" louder and louder while coming closer and closer to get my attention. Similar to an ambulance. In the middle of the night, when his food has been sitting for (gasp!) hours he finds the highest place in my room, jumps onto it, knocks stuff off of it and meows. The things he hurls to the floor include my lamp, candles, jewelry, receipts, medicine and other random fragile items.

Now, the 1.3 of you that are still reading this lame post wonder why I don't shut my bedroom door at night. He can open the door. He uses the door knob. This is an actual picture of my actual door knob. Dude paws at the door knob and can open the door from either direction. And my window is cracked open so I don't suffocate in the sweltering heat. So he will just go through the window if I lock the door.

You might wonder how I came to own such a stunningly smart cat. But he's not smart, he's petrifyingly stupid. It took months of watching my ex's cat open doors for him to learn this nifty trick. She's a really smart cunt. Now, the .2 of you still reading gasp as I call a sweet, darling kitty cat a cunt. But she is. Sam's evidence for the court of blog world is the following picture:

My poor Dude is under a huge plastic tarp, sleeping because he's an idiot. However, the plastic tarp is covering my couch. Because my ex's cat still lives here. And if I'm not on the couch, and the couch isn't covered with plastic she'll piss on it. Thus, she is a cunt. Yesterday was the deadline for H2 to pick up his cunt. She's still here. So, I still have plastic on my couch. I hate it.

One other fascinating tidbit (I'm sure that I'm talking to myself by now). Dude not only wants fresh food RIGHT NOW but he over eats. Have you ever seen someone that mistakenly believes that just because a food item is labeled "diet" that they can eat 6 servings at once and still be "dieting". That's Dude.

The most important thing about Dude is not his utter lack of brain function or his annoying need for "fresh" food. It's the fact that whenever I am sitting or laying down, he's there. Most of the time when I'm blogging he's lying on my arm. He sleeps with me. When I go out and come home after dark, he meets me on the walkway up to my house. I love my Dude.