Chicken's HNT

Okay, just this once I had to do a cute kid HNT. I promise not to do it EVER again. Or at least for a good long while. I took this picture the first night my Chicken was home. He's in his very cool loft bed from IKEA. Notice the killer tan? That's my boy! The mole on his back was the only spot on him when he was born. Now he's got freckles on his nose just like his Mommy, plus a few scattered here and there.

This evening Chicken and I went to his Open House at school to meet his new teacher and see old friends. While we were there, I ran into another mom that I wanted to beat to a bloody pulp at the end of third grade. Here's the story:

My mother decided to have an end of the year pool party for Chicken and some friends on the last day of school in June. Most of the moms we knew fairly well and they dropped their kids off at the pool (which by the way is slang for pooping), returning at the end of the party to pick them up. One mother HAD to stay and watch her twin daughters, because everyone knows that two adults cannot possibly supervise eight children in a pool. Especially when all the kids can swim very well. Oh no, it just cannot be done. And this woman who I'll call Very Protective and Smothering Bitch had to watch her kids like a hawk. And ask them if they had to go pee. HELLO?! They are nine years old. I'm pretty sure that they are potty trained and will use the restroom/pool when they have to go pee.

So I find myself in another uncomfortable situation where someone is asking me questions that I'm not wanting to answer. I must not give off the "Fuck you, leave me alone vibe" very well. Note to self, try to look meaner and less accessible. Her first question is "So... is there a Mr. Sam?" Well I'm not wearing a ring fuck face what do you think? I explain that I just got divorced. She goes deeper and deeper until she gets to the "Yes I'm 31 years old and I've been married and divorced twice and oh GOD I only have a bachelor's degree". Did I say "Fuck you bitch?" No. I just sat there. And then she really fucking pissed me off. "Well Chicken is SO well-adjusted, that's amazing considering..." the dumb cunt says.

I'm saying to myself at this point "Yeah, I can't believe the beatings and withholding of food and love and shelter haven't taken effect yet. Fuck I must try harder to make my kid dysfunctional." See, Chicken is a social butterfly. He's very loved and his biggest problem is that his self-esteem tends to be a little too high, also known as spoiled and snotty child syndrome. I'm working on that. Whereas Very Protective and Smothering Bitch has twin daughters that are a year older and one of them is really fucked up. She's sweet, but she doesn't make friends and goes home crying after school frequently. Chicken is one of the few kids that makes an effort to include her. I've seen her on field trips and most of her classmates simply ignore her. I've tried to get her and Chicken together to play outside of school but her mother is so protective that I have never seen her daughter outside school until this day. Nevermind the fact that I have chaperoned her daughter on school field trips twice. This means that her daughter has been in my car, under my supervision and has not died. Amazing!

Then Very Protective and Smothering Bitch starts to brag about her "normal" daughter and her 11th grade reading level. She asks me what grade level Chicken is reading at and I have no idea. In Chicken's school district they do this Lexile scoring weirdness. Your child takes a test, gets a Lexile score, and then goes to Lexile.com to determine the appropriate books to read. This way your child reads books that are hard enough to challenge them, but not so hard they get frustrated. I don't care what grade level he is reading at, all I care is that he's a great reader. So Mrs. Snotty Pants asks me what Chicken's Lexile score is, and I tell her 1096. Her face crumbles and she mutters "That's 11th grade level". Take that you bitch! Of course, I think that she's full of shit. I perused the books at Lexile and 1096 doesn't seem to be 11th grade level reading. Whatever.

Is there a point to this post? Well, no. I just needed vent about the Very Protective and Smothering Bitch while showing off my half-nekkid kid. Now people can search under "kiddie porn" and be just as disappointed as when they search for "hot, stories" or "animal sex". So there you perverts!