Back To Hell

Okay I'm back. There are changes coming to Sam's Stories. First off, I've decided to refer to my kid as "Chicken" as opposed to "M". Why, you ask? Well, that's his nickname and because I just feel like it. So there. Chicken came home Sunday after spending the summer on the East Coast. I've been pretty busy doing the mommy thing, like school shopping on the week that school starts. Luckily, we're almost done and we have one more day until my baby is a big, bad-assed fourth grader. This post is dedicated to my kid and the shit he comes up with on a daily basis. I wish I could just tape record him and type it out. He cracks me up.

Chicken loves his corn snake, however he feels no pressure to name the fucking thing any time soon. Dammit kid, just name him already. I offered my favorite of "Wesson" after the corn oil, however the kid said "I don't want to name my snake after a big corporation". Fuck the Man he says! I left it to Chicken to tell my mom that I bought him a snake. My mom is not generally pet-friendly. She thinks I'm running a zoo or something. Chicken knows this, so he describes the corn snake as: "Really cute, just like a hamster but longer and without fur". The kid is going to be a used car salesman or a politician some day. He extracted a promise from her to hold the snake at least once. That kid is a miracle worker I swear!

On a "not so nice" note, Chicken cuddled up on me yesterday and noted that my breasts were much smaller than his stepmom's. He said that her breasts are soft and cuddly like his pillow. Whereas mine are... not so cuddly. Thanks. I really like his stepmom, however I don't want to hear how my breasts are crappy for cuddling. I know this dammit! At least I won't have someone grab me around the waist and cop a feel when I'm elderly. (See Coppin' A Feel for a great story on saggy boobs). So thanks, Chicken. I'm so glad you're home.

We went school clothes shopping today and Chicken got a new pair of shoes. This process usually involves heavy sedatives (for me) and ultimate frustration (for Chicken). He finds a pair he likes, and they don't have the proper size. He finds another pair that are almost as good, they have the right size, but they don't feel good on his feet. By the time we find a pair that are pleasing to the eye, in the right size, and feel good I have 3000 new gray hairs and I'm screaming "Just put the fucking shoes on and let's never do this ever again". Actually I'm screaming that on the inside, because I'm pretty sure screaming fuck at your kid in the store is not good. I save that for later. After I hide the phone so he doesn't call Child Protective Services on me.

This trip was AMAZING. He saw shoes he liked right away, then found the right size on the first try and they fit! OH MY GOD! I've had many, many experiences (think dirty) that did not compare to the joy that this brought me. Chicken and I go up to the cash register and he sees a sign that warns about hidden security devices. He starts cracking up and making fun of the lame-assed store. You see, the "hidden" security devices on shoes in this store are almost the size of tennis balls. They are fucking huge. And when you're buying kid's shoes, they take up half the shoe. Where is the "hidden" in that Chicken wants to know?

Speaking of making fun of stores, years ago I took Chicken to a Ross clothing store. Their slogan is "Dress For Less". For those of you without a Ross, they sell the clothing that didn't sell at regular department stores. I hate Ross. I could spend all day looking for something and find one shirt. Of course, it would only be $4.99. However, when you're shopping with a first grader a whole day in a store is much like spending 300 years in the darkest depths of hell. I just can't do it. My time and sanity is too valuable. Chicken feels the same way, and coined a new slogan for Ross: "Dress For Crap". That's my kid.

**Thanks to Anna for kicking my ass and getting me to post some shit for her entertainment.