Your Vagina. See it. Love it. Own it.
This post is dedicated to the Redneck Diva. When she commented on my 84 year old neighbor post it brought back a memory that I had suppressed out of horror and shock. I have another neighbor that is in her thirties I guess, married with one child. Every Christmas she decorates the shit out of her house. Now, I love Christmas decorations. I take my son every year to the local neighborhoods where everyone spends their retirement money on extravagant lighting. It's beautiful. However, this neighbor decorates the outside of her home in a way that makes me think of severely mentally challenged children with no decorating skills. It's horrible. I have seen many near accidents on my quiet street as people literally stop and gape at the sight. It makes my life easier when I'm giving directions to my house, though. Turn right, left, blah and when you see the Christmas decorations that make you gag a little, park.
She's very friendly and loves my son. Well, everyone loves my son because he's the fucking greatest. Especially when he's 3000 miles away and I can think of all the beautiful memories and forget the screaming fights over the terrors of spaghetti sauce. One more month and back to explaining why showering, brushing teeth and doing homework is necessary to life. So... I digress. Crazy lady neighbor (CLN) is outside as I was returning from the pool with my son and one of his friends a couple of months ago. Both boys were obviously wet, while I was dry.
CLN: Hi M! Did you have fun at the pool?
Boys: Yes!
CLN: (to me) Why didn't you go in the pool?
Sam: Well, um... I have this thing with my belly button.
I'm clearly uncomfortable at this point, and most normal humans with 100+ IQ would have understood this and let the conversation gracefully turn to something else.
CLN: Why don't you just wear a one piece?
Sam: Um... (sighs) I had a mid-life crisis and pierced my belly button. I can't go into the pool for several months.
CLN: Oooo. What are you going to have pierced next? (She's getting excited and dare I say a little manic at this point) How about your tongue or your lip or your eyebrows?
Sam: Um... I can't because I have a professional job. No visible piercings are allowed.
CLN: Well what about your areola? (I gasp) Or your labia minora or labia majora?
OMG! Did this woman just ask me about piercing my pussy lips? Please tell me this just didn't happen to me. I do not talk about my labia with my neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances or even most friends. I will never post pictures of them or discuss them in detail on my blog. They are called "private parts" for a reason.
Now, just in case you need information about labia or vagina's in general, I found this handy link when I Googled "vagina". I wanted to make sure my spelling was correct because I usually don't write down labia minora. Inner and outer pussy lips usually works just fine. This site is fucking hilarious. It's The Big Vagina. Their motto is "Your Vagina. See it. Love it. Own it." I even copied a picture from them in case any of you don't understand the female anatomy.
For you men, the penis goes in the middle. The thing below the vagina is the anus. Don't put the penis in there without written permission. Above the vagina is the clitoris. Make it your best friend. Talk to it, write it poetry and play long songs to it. Your woman will love you for it.
Sidenote: I had my hair colored after this event and saw CNL at a local eatery. She said "I see you had a mid-life crisis on your head, too!"
She's very friendly and loves my son. Well, everyone loves my son because he's the fucking greatest. Especially when he's 3000 miles away and I can think of all the beautiful memories and forget the screaming fights over the terrors of spaghetti sauce. One more month and back to explaining why showering, brushing teeth and doing homework is necessary to life. So... I digress. Crazy lady neighbor (CLN) is outside as I was returning from the pool with my son and one of his friends a couple of months ago. Both boys were obviously wet, while I was dry.
CLN: Hi M! Did you have fun at the pool?
Boys: Yes!
CLN: (to me) Why didn't you go in the pool?
Sam: Well, um... I have this thing with my belly button.
I'm clearly uncomfortable at this point, and most normal humans with 100+ IQ would have understood this and let the conversation gracefully turn to something else.
CLN: Why don't you just wear a one piece?
Sam: Um... (sighs) I had a mid-life crisis and pierced my belly button. I can't go into the pool for several months.
CLN: Oooo. What are you going to have pierced next? (She's getting excited and dare I say a little manic at this point) How about your tongue or your lip or your eyebrows?
Sam: Um... I can't because I have a professional job. No visible piercings are allowed.
CLN: Well what about your areola? (I gasp) Or your labia minora or labia majora?
OMG! Did this woman just ask me about piercing my pussy lips? Please tell me this just didn't happen to me. I do not talk about my labia with my neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances or even most friends. I will never post pictures of them or discuss them in detail on my blog. They are called "private parts" for a reason.
Now, just in case you need information about labia or vagina's in general, I found this handy link when I Googled "vagina". I wanted to make sure my spelling was correct because I usually don't write down labia minora. Inner and outer pussy lips usually works just fine. This site is fucking hilarious. It's The Big Vagina. Their motto is "Your Vagina. See it. Love it. Own it." I even copied a picture from them in case any of you don't understand the female anatomy.
For you men, the penis goes in the middle. The thing below the vagina is the anus. Don't put the penis in there without written permission. Above the vagina is the clitoris. Make it your best friend. Talk to it, write it poetry and play long songs to it. Your woman will love you for it.
Sidenote: I had my hair colored after this event and saw CNL at a local eatery. She said "I see you had a mid-life crisis on your head, too!"
posted by Sam at
3:35 PM
9 Comments:
This posting is a classic! Thanks, I needed the laugh!
I wanted porn--and I get freshmen health! FUNNY POST!
damn that was good.
we soooooo need her and mrs e to meet! big time.
Oh...my....god. I'm laughin' so hard I can't breathe. People are fuckin' morons, and that's quite a picture. I'd like to take the advice about the clitoris and hand it out to all men. Everywhere. Forever.
You dedicated a vagina post to me. *tear* I am so honored.
My husband thinks I am certifiable. I was out here laughing my ass off and when he asked me what was so funny I said, "Oh...just vaginas..." Used to he would've jumped up and run out here thinking I'd found porn for him. Now he knows it's blog-related and not worth getting out of his recliner.
The Big Vagina rocks! I swear I've actually been there before.
(you can take the above to mean whatever you would like)
:)
Well, I think you can handle one comment that doesn't find your post quite so hilarious.
1. If you don't want to discuss your belly button with this neigbor lady, don't bring it up in the first place.
2. If they are called private parts and you aren't going to discuss them on your blog, then don't post a paragraph all about them with a picture to boot.
3. The funniest line in the post is your neighbor's: "I see you had a mid-life crisis on your head, too!"
4. Man hating and child hating ("I like him best 3k miles away") is curable with therapy.
Who am I to criticize? Anonymous nobody that you'll never meet, so let it go if I have offended...
Aah, Anonymous, go put a big Richard in YOUR middle orifice! BTW, Sam, thanks for the reminder where it goes! (I've been a little too celibate a little too long...) The pussy pic looks like the one I discovered in 10th Grade when I was doing a report for Biology class -- Probably not what Miss Quarles expected but she said "Pick a system of the human body & write on it!" Well, the Reproductive System qualifies! I learned how important the clitoris was way back then -- too bad I didn't get to practice til I graduated college! {Believe it, it's TRUE! DAMN!}
Newyorkmoments- Glad to be of service!
Madman- Sorry for the lack of porn. I'll try harder next time.
Corinna- We'll schedule a date for CNL and Mrs. E!
Andi- I love to make you breathless! We should hand out flyers to the men of the world. They should include the care and handling of the clit in Sex Ed in school.
Redneck Diva- I'm always glad to honor a reader, especially when I love their blog, commenting and they inspire me to write!
Sillynessa- I hope your biopsy wasn't too bad, you've been in my thoughts.
Anonymous- I'll deal with you later. Check back for a post dedicated to you. You did not offend me.
Richard Affonso- Glad to see you've got my back! I hope this primer helps your um private life get better!
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