Switch Hitter
Some of you might wonder if I'm witty, foul-mouthed and generally crazy in real life. I assume there are bloggers out there that are very shy in reality. I'm not. I don't always like people, being around people, smelling people or even seeing people. But when I'm on, watch the fuck out! Just about anything can and will come out of my mouth. I rarely get embarrassed, and until yesterday I would have bet that I have never said anything that resulted in me turning 14 shades of red. I was with H3.2 and two of his friends, Teddy Bear (TB) and Picky. We were eating lunch at a local restaurant and starting talking about the similarities between H3.2 and myself. I'm sure his friends were looking around for sharp objects to slit their wrists. Then I started talking about being a lefty.
Sam: I'm a lefty, but I only write with my left hand. Everything else I do with my right hand. I play sports, use scissors and eat with my right hand.
H3.2: I'm a righty but I'm a switch hitter.
Sam: I thought a switch hitter was someone that was bisexual.
H3.2: No, it's someone that is dominant in one hand but masturbates with the other.
Sam: Oh. (pause. lightbulb!) I'm a switch hitter! (I yell.)
Then I realize I just said that in front of TB and Picky. There is a stunned silence. I have no problem talking about ANYTHING, however I usually don't talk about my own sex life. Especially in front of my man's friends. In a crowded restaurant. It's one of the few self-editing features located in my brain. When I'm working I use another brain, so it's never a problem. Same with churchy people, the elderly, small children, etc. However, when I'm with people I like and I'm feeling frisky, there are no topics I won't discuss. EXCEPT my sex life. So I was embarrassed. I would have crawled under the table, however they probably would have assumed I was masturbating.
Sam: I'm a lefty, but I only write with my left hand. Everything else I do with my right hand. I play sports, use scissors and eat with my right hand.
H3.2: I'm a righty but I'm a switch hitter.
Sam: I thought a switch hitter was someone that was bisexual.
H3.2: No, it's someone that is dominant in one hand but masturbates with the other.
Sam: Oh. (pause. lightbulb!) I'm a switch hitter! (I yell.)
Then I realize I just said that in front of TB and Picky. There is a stunned silence. I have no problem talking about ANYTHING, however I usually don't talk about my own sex life. Especially in front of my man's friends. In a crowded restaurant. It's one of the few self-editing features located in my brain. When I'm working I use another brain, so it's never a problem. Same with churchy people, the elderly, small children, etc. However, when I'm with people I like and I'm feeling frisky, there are no topics I won't discuss. EXCEPT my sex life. So I was embarrassed. I would have crawled under the table, however they probably would have assumed I was masturbating.
posted by Sam at
2:20 PM
4 Comments:
Sam, I swear to God you are my twin. I feel your pain. I am feeeeeeeling right now.
Oh shit, now I am embarassed....
What I meant was, I totally understand you sister. Totally man, totally.
holy crap that was so funny. i am linking you now. that was just too awesome. awesomerad if i do say so.
i am also left handed..but i golf right handed.
I only talk nasty here. hahaha :)
I'm a righty. :)
Um... switch hitters is a term that SO represents bisexual people. "Playing for the other team," as it were. A person who swings on the branch and dives into the bush, a pole smoker and a hole toker, shipping and receiving*, Etc.
(* I made that up. However, I'll never look at the mail staff the same way again.)
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