Is It Supposed to Ooze Like That?

I'm not known for following the crowd. I'd actually prefer to avoid the crowd at all costs. However, some things peak my interest. Half-Nekkid Thursdays is one of them, and this interview/five questions thing is another. If you want to be interviewed, I must list a couple of warnings:

• Some of my questions will most likely be R-rated or bizarre in some way, so don't ask if you aren't prepared to answer.


• If I get a zillion requests, I won't be able to answer them all. First come, first serve and all that.

Here are the instructions:
If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me." I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. If you were a stripper what would your act consist of and what would your stripper name be?

If I was a stripper I would call myself George or Fred. I would only work at a topless bar. I would put a sock in my g-string and have my adam's apple surgically enlarged. I would smoke three packs of cigarettes a day until I had a deep, raspy voice. I would give lap dances and at the end of the dance I would whisper seductively into the guy's ear "How do you feel about anal? I'll give you the reach around for $2o extra baby!"

2. If you were walking across your lawn at night what's the worst think you can imagine stepping in, and what would be the first thing out of your mouth if you did?

Half of a cottontail rabbit. I almost stepped on one in my living room a couple of weeks ago. My wonderful cats love to bring me presents, and one night I came home when the house was dark and I almost stepped right on the poor bunny. It was only the chest down, with all the internal organs and stuff still there. It was still warm. I was soooo grossed out. My first words were "M GET IN YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!" Because I didn't want the kid to see it. I probably would have used more colorful language, like "Oh fuck! That's the fucking nastiest thing ever!" However, being a mommy and all my first thought was to protect my son from the sight.

3. Which would you rather have: the most expensive, sexy car of your dreams or an unlimited budget to re-decorate your home? Discuss.

Do I really need to discuss this? This is a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti. This car could sustain life. No food, sex or oxygen needed. Who the fuck needs a cute house when you have this car? My kid would live under a bridge and pick through dumpsters to own this car. He really loves cars. We would both be deliriously happy until Child Protective Services found us. But we'd be too quick for them.

4. Do you have any unusual or downright freakishly freaky talents?

Have you ever seen the girls that can shoot ping pong balls out of their privates? I do that with grapefruits. Big ones. One time I was at a party and knocked this guy out cold with a stray grapefruit. I'm working on my aim.

5. What's your eyeshadow color of choice? What does it say about you?

I generally don't wear eyeshadow, and that says several things about me. First, I didn't figure out how to wear eyeshadow until my late 20's. Second, my mother did the typical 80's overkill on eyeshadow and I think that scarred me. Third, I'm a recovering tomboy. I wear makeup but just the basics. Which leads me to one of my major personality traits/theories of life. I have an interesting personality. A polite way of saying that in certain company just about anything will come out of my mouth. I have a very twisted sense of humor. However, I dress conservatively. You can get away with a lot more if you look cute and innocent.