Cat Fight

Yesterday I came home from a client appointment and noticed an odd scene while walking up to my front door. There had been a new phone book on the walkway when I left several hours before, and it had moved approximately 10 feet. There was also the unmistakable odor of cat urine, wet spots on the concrete, several yummy pieces of cat shit, clumps of cat fur on the ground and on the phone book. I had also spotted a local cat in front of my neighbor's house when I went out to my car earlier in the day.

Now some background information is necessary for this lovely story. "Blue" the cat lives in my neighborhood. He is a well-fed housecat that occasionally sneaks out to roam the land. I've met his mother and told her that Blue should wear a collar at the very least to avoid being mistaken for a stray. My cats have collars, name tags with phone numbers and they are micro-chipped.


Blue is very friendly. I have a "kitty window" in my house to allow my cats access to the great wide world beyond. Blue occasionally hops in the window and cruises around my house. He also helps himself to the cat food (see pic on right) and sprawls out in the living room and takes a cat nap. This really upsets my boy cat "Dude" because he's a pacifist and he loves his food. He's a total stoner cat. Food and sleep and no aggression. So he gets upset and watches Blue with ill-concealed hatred (see pic on left).

My other cat "Zada" is usually outside during the day so she doesn't care. However, when she meets up with Blue right outside the house, she kicks ass. She's a royal bitch. See her with her gaping maw, razor-sharp teeth ready to tear delicate kitty flesh? She is licking her lips in anticipation of eating another baby bird or bunny. She is a rabid hunter, a bitch on wheels, and no male cat better get in her fucking way. Especially when she's just cruising outside to pick up the latest edition of the phone book. Here's how the event went down:

Zada noticed that the phone book had been delivered, and as she is totally computer illiterate, she still uses the antiquated thing. I tend to leave the phone book on the walkway hoping that it will disappear. She strolled outside and noticed Blue about to grab her phone book.

Zada: WTF!? Blue that is my phone book bitch! You're too stupid to even dial a fucking phone, what are you planning on doing with a PHONE book?

Blue: Yo Zada. Wassup?

Zada: What did you just say to me you stupid ghetto poser cat? Fuck off and leave my phone book alone before I beat your cracker ass.

Blue: Oh baby you look so hot when you get pissed. You down with watersports baby?

Zada lunges for Blue, wraps him in a death grip and pummels him with her hind claws. Blue fur starts to fly.

Blue: Oh yeah Zada, beat me oh yes I love it more don't stop baby oh OH OH.

Blue pisses all over himself and Zada in his excitement. He's neutered, so that's the best the poor fucker can deliver.

Zada: Oh my God! You fucking nutless wonder! You wanna play big boy? I'll show you who the fuck you're dealing with motherfucker.

Zada proceeds to take a shit on Blue's head. While still kicking his ass up and down the walkway. The phone book takes a beating, is slightly soaked with urine, covered in fur and reeking of cat shit. Blue extricates himself from Zada's death grip and runs for home.

Zada: Take that you pussy motherfucker.

So now I have a cat that reeks of piss, a phone book that is ruined, and a walkway that has shit and piss on it. Good times.