84 Year Old Men Make Me Hot
My next door neighbor is the proverbial cranky old man, so we'll call him Cranky Bastard or CB. He's 84, overweight and diabetic. Plus he drinks. As the average life expectancy today for a man is 81, I wonder what the fuck he is doing still alive. He hates everyone in the neighborhood, except for my family. I have no idea why. He loves my kid. Calls him the "mayor" of the neighborhood. He loves H2 and was sad to see him move out. He loves my mom and my ex-mom-in-law. He loves me.
Everyone else he hates. Especially if they aren't white Christian types. He's complained to me many times about the mail carrier/post man. This poor guy gets shit from CB if the mail doesn't come on time. Who cares about when the mail comes as long as it comes every day? Lonely old men do! CB has told me that the mail service would be better if all the (add many racial slurs for various ethnicities here) didn't run the postal service. Someone forgot to tell him that it's not nice to call the postman the "N" word. Ever. Even if he takes a big steaming crap on your birthday card from your dear Auntie. You just don't do that.
Cranky Bastard fought in WWII. One day after his wife died he came over and gave M an old camera. Then he proceeded to explain TO MY EIGHT YEAR OLD SON that he shot some Nazi soldier in Germany during WWII and took the camera off the guy's dead body. Wow. How does one respond to that politely? "Nice shot and great idea to strip the body of valuables?"
His wife just died a couple of months ago, and he's bored. She was dying for so long that by the time she died he was a hell of a lot happier. She suffered, he suffered, it sucked. Now he's on the prowl. He's asked out my mother and I think she shit herself a little when it happened. My mom is 54. You do the math.
Why am I telling you this now? Because I just got home from a client meeting. CB pulled in at the same time. I was walking up to my front door and he rolled down his car window. His face was beet red.
CB: I just went to a cocktail party. I had too many cocktails. (slightly slurring)
What the hell do you say to that? I advised him to be careful pulling into his garage. I went inside the house. Five minutes later the doorbell rings.
CB: Would you like to go out and get some dinner?
Where the fuck are his shoes? He's only wearing socks on his feet. I've never seen him without shoes. Why I am fixated on the shoes? Because I'm wondering if he's propositioning me. And this grosses me out more than I can explain in words.
Sam: Um, well CB I have another client appointment in 15 minutes so I can't right now.
CB: Okay, well anytime you want to get something to eat...
He stumbled, actually staggered away. I wanted to take a shower. With lots of scrubbing. Ew.
Earlier this month I went to a wedding, and I came home about 6:30am the next day. I had driven to a friend's house, several of us carpooled (I did not drive) and I got bombed at the wedding. So I crashed on my buddy's couch, woke up early and drove home. Sober. CB saw me pulling up and cackled at me. I was wearing the dress I left in the evening before.
CB: Out catting around? He he, you remind me of myself when I was young.
Ew. Double fucking ew. I do not want to think of my old fart neighbor getting laid. Ever. Want another CB story? I'm sure you do! We were at the pool at the same time last week. Remind me to exchange my bikini for a burlap sack the next time I see CB at the pool. I chatted politely with him, I know that he needs someone to talk to and I do feel bad for him. When he started talking about the "free samples" his doctor has given him I gagged. Why oh why would he tell me that his doctor provides him with Viagra? I cannot and will not believe that this fat old man has even the slightest hope in the world of shagging me. Time for another shower, this time with plenty of exfoliant.
Everyone else he hates. Especially if they aren't white Christian types. He's complained to me many times about the mail carrier/post man. This poor guy gets shit from CB if the mail doesn't come on time. Who cares about when the mail comes as long as it comes every day? Lonely old men do! CB has told me that the mail service would be better if all the (add many racial slurs for various ethnicities here) didn't run the postal service. Someone forgot to tell him that it's not nice to call the postman the "N" word. Ever. Even if he takes a big steaming crap on your birthday card from your dear Auntie. You just don't do that.
Cranky Bastard fought in WWII. One day after his wife died he came over and gave M an old camera. Then he proceeded to explain TO MY EIGHT YEAR OLD SON that he shot some Nazi soldier in Germany during WWII and took the camera off the guy's dead body. Wow. How does one respond to that politely? "Nice shot and great idea to strip the body of valuables?"
His wife just died a couple of months ago, and he's bored. She was dying for so long that by the time she died he was a hell of a lot happier. She suffered, he suffered, it sucked. Now he's on the prowl. He's asked out my mother and I think she shit herself a little when it happened. My mom is 54. You do the math.
Why am I telling you this now? Because I just got home from a client meeting. CB pulled in at the same time. I was walking up to my front door and he rolled down his car window. His face was beet red.
CB: I just went to a cocktail party. I had too many cocktails. (slightly slurring)
What the hell do you say to that? I advised him to be careful pulling into his garage. I went inside the house. Five minutes later the doorbell rings.
CB: Would you like to go out and get some dinner?
Where the fuck are his shoes? He's only wearing socks on his feet. I've never seen him without shoes. Why I am fixated on the shoes? Because I'm wondering if he's propositioning me. And this grosses me out more than I can explain in words.
Sam: Um, well CB I have another client appointment in 15 minutes so I can't right now.
CB: Okay, well anytime you want to get something to eat...
He stumbled, actually staggered away. I wanted to take a shower. With lots of scrubbing. Ew.
Earlier this month I went to a wedding, and I came home about 6:30am the next day. I had driven to a friend's house, several of us carpooled (I did not drive) and I got bombed at the wedding. So I crashed on my buddy's couch, woke up early and drove home. Sober. CB saw me pulling up and cackled at me. I was wearing the dress I left in the evening before.
CB: Out catting around? He he, you remind me of myself when I was young.
Ew. Double fucking ew. I do not want to think of my old fart neighbor getting laid. Ever. Want another CB story? I'm sure you do! We were at the pool at the same time last week. Remind me to exchange my bikini for a burlap sack the next time I see CB at the pool. I chatted politely with him, I know that he needs someone to talk to and I do feel bad for him. When he started talking about the "free samples" his doctor has given him I gagged. Why oh why would he tell me that his doctor provides him with Viagra? I cannot and will not believe that this fat old man has even the slightest hope in the world of shagging me. Time for another shower, this time with plenty of exfoliant.
posted by Sam at
6:18 PM
6 Comments:
Okay now *I* need a shower.
Sounds like he needs a shower as well - as cold as he can get it.
I know that we are supposed to respect the elderly and all that crap, but geez, I think sometimes they use their age as an excuse to be inappropriate and well, icky.
The practice of taking belongings of a soldier during WWII seems a comon one, my grandfather took a P38 pistol off of a German soldier after he killed him.
Im all for looting the dead. I wish I could kill people just so I could loot them... and then maybe have sex with them, or at least pose them in lude ways for a funny picture or two.
Iew, when we were renting there was this old lady living across the street who decided I was her BFF or something. And I didn't mind talking to her over the fence and stuff, shoveling her driveway when it snowed, etc. But the day she told me that it'd been so long since she'd had sex that she thought she'd grown her cherry back then backtracked and said, "Well, actually I'm so old now it's not a cherry. More like an olive, I'd say." I just said, "Ahhhh, I gotta go now." Then I bleached my brain. And my eyes for good measure.
hate to go all "i don't even know what to call it," but does he have kids that check on him? sounds like alzheimers & he probably needs some care. I'm an old person lover, so I feel for them - odd behavior begets the disorder - just if he has any kids or anyone around, maybe you could neighborly mention it to them? Sorry if I read too much into it & it was just to be funny - I did laugh out loud if that makes it better!
Dating Dummy- You probably should have at least one a day anyways!
Robin- This man is way icky!!
Anonymous- Ew. And I've heard that story somewhere before....
Redneck Diva- OMG. That is all I can say. Please why do old people remind us that they have genitals?
Sillynessa- He doesn't have any kids as far as I know, he's on his own. And he's very active and his memory (short and long term) is great. I keep an eye on him and although he freaks me out occasionally I really do care for him. He plays in a band, goes out with friends, and is just a really old dude that will say anything. Probably exactly how I will be at his age.
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