HIV Fun and Games

I went to get tested for HIV this week with a friend I'll call Ewe Girl. We've been friends for 5 years, and I've seen her go from a shy teenager (19 yrs old) to a college graduate that has blossomed in many ways. Being friends with her has been the closest thing I've ever had to a little sister. She's the best and I love her dearly. She's also neurotic. She's had limited sex partners and low risk sexual activities. But because I love her, I agreed to go get tested for HIV with her. It's a good thing to do, and I haven't been tested in a long time because I was with H2 for almost 6 years.

We go down to a clinic in San Diego because they have a rapid HIV test that gives results in 20 minutes. I knew that I could not deal with Ewe Girl freaking out for a couple of weeks until the results came back, so this seemed like the way to go. The clinic is near Lips for those of you that know SD. For those of you not in the area, let's just say that many of the residents live alternative lifestyles. So, I know it's in bad taste to laugh at people but OMG there were some funny gay guys in the clinic waiting to be tested. It was really hard to keep a straight face with all the swishing about and such.

Which brings me back to Ewe Girl. She's straight, but she's one of those rare girls that looks HOT with short hair. Her current hairstyle is modeled after this picture from the movie High Tension. Ewe Girl loves horror flicks. Can you imagine bringing this picture in to a hair stylist and saying "Make me look like her"? I'm not kidding either. She literally has this picture in her room. One of the things I love about her. So, I digress. We are in the clinic waiting to have our numbers called. I go in first, and the woman administering the test asks me a zillion questions. The first question she doesn't even bother to ask. She just confirms "You're heterosexual". Okay. Whatever. Now I was quite adventurous in my youth, however I've been really tame in the last ten years due to H1 and H2. Marriage isn't usually a high risk endeavor, at least sexually. By the time she's done asking me questions about my sexual activity, I'm feeling quite prudish. Here are a few examples:

"Have you had sex with a transsexual in the past year?"

"Uh. No."

"Have you had sex with a prostitute in the past year"

"Uh. No."

"Have you had sex with an IV drug user in the past year?"

"Uh. No."

"Have you been paid for sex in the last year?"

"Does a set of Henckels count?"

She drones on and on.... I nod off, she checks the "no" box over and over. Finally, I get a "yes" answer!!

"Have you had any piercings or tattoos in the past year?"

"YES!!"

Okay, so it wasn't very exciting for me. I'm negative, I have a signed statement stating that I'm HIV free. I think I should frame it and hang it up in my office. My co-workers would LOVE that. Ewe Girl had more fun. Apparently her tester thought she was gay. Short hair, lack of makeup, in an area that is pretty gay. The tester asked her a bunch of times if she was gay, bisexual, had intercourse with a girl, blah blah. Ewe Girl came out afterwards cracking up. Talk about stereotyping, huh?

What's the moral this story? Well, I wanted to introduce Ewe Girl. I wanted to say that everyone should get tested for HIV. It was pretty fast, free, and mildly entertaining. A great thing to do with your afternoon. I think I'll go back next week. Maybe I'll have so much fun this weekend that I'll be able to answer more questions "Hell yes! I've done that thousands of times!"