The Dust Mites are Coming!

My mother is bizarre. That's putting it nicely. The other day she called me up because she has little red bumps on her arms. Here's a recap of the conversation:

Mom: Oh my god there are dust mites all over my bed.

Sam: Uh huh.

Mom: They bit me all over my arms, I have little red bumps everywhere. They are jumping around like crazy.

Sam: Oh wow. Uh huh. That sucks.

Mom: I'm going to buy a special mattress cover and wash all my bedding in hot water and bleach.

Sam: Okay.

I didn't know how to respond to this conversation, which is quite typical when speaking with my mother. To those of you that don't understand the significance of this conversation, I've included a picture of a dust mite.
Notice how the picture seems a bit...weird? That's because dust mites are microscopic. That means that you CAN'T SEE THEM! So unless my mother was watching them jump around with her handy microscope, she's on crack. Which I already knew. I wonder what she'd be like if she really was on crack? Maybe she'd be normal. That would be pleasant change.

How about another exciting mother/angst story? My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I was 13. She said I wasn't responsible enough to have pierced ears. Which doesn't sound too crazy, right? Except... she got me contacts when I was 10. Think about that for a moment. Now, please don't get the impression that I'm whining about getting my ears pierced, or that I'm bemoaning my horrible childhood. At this point, I'm no longer upset about the sheer stupidity of my mother. The best way to describe it would be learning about a culture that is completely different from yours. With traditions that seem, well... different. You scratch your head and wonder what the fuck they were thinking. They probably look at you and think the same thing.

Here's another example for you to ponder:
When I divorced H1 my mother recommended that I get my tubes tied. I was 25. I had one child. (I still do, although I've misplaced him for the summer.) Why the fuck would I get my tubes tied at 25? I'm a great mom, my kid is scary bright, does well in school, lots of friends, blah blah, well-adjusted, blah. It's not like I'm a heroin addict with 6 kids. I may want another child some day. In the meantime, I used this new age stuff called...wait...birth control. And it's much less drastic than a tubal ligation.

This week, I was having miserable cramps and my legs were aching like motherfuckers. It happens, it's not a big deal and just part of being a chick. My mom recommends a hysterectomy. She does this casually, like it's taking an Advil or something. WTF? I just shake my head and walk away.