A's in School, F's in Marriage

I always did well in school, graduated from college with honors after putting in a minimal amount of effort. (This is my attempt to bolster my self-esteem before plunging down the murky path of my marital failures). My first marriage, at the ripe old age of 21, came six weeks after meeting my husband. We'll call him H1, and I'll explain the nickname later in this tale. I met H1 in a bar in TJ. For those of you not familiar with my hometown, let's just say that I was in a seedy bar in Mexico. You only need to be 18 to drink legally in Mexico, and I was drinking tequila like it was water. Except, I wouldn't drink the water in Mexico. I think you get the point, right? We met, married six weeks later, moved to Virginia and settled down. We bought a house, had a child, etc. It lasted four years. I ended up back home in San Diego with my son.

The second time around, I dated someone that I had known since high school. We lived together for three years before we got married. I thought I had grown, learned a few things about life, marriage, blah, blah. My divorce was final May 2, 2005. I suck.

After much soul searching I realized a couple of things about H1 and H2. They were the same person essentially, although H2 was an upgrade. Similar to Windows 98 and Windows 2000. I don't think I need to beat the analogy to death, do I? I got along with both husbands great on a friendship level, we all have the same twisted sense of humor. As husbands though, they didn't work out. Maybe for another girl, but not for me. Imagine my chagrin when I finally understood that I married the same man. Twice. Duh! Oh yeah, and they are both Cancers. I know it's silly, but I stay away from Cancers now. My mom is also a Cancer. I should know better.

So, today I have a good relationship with H1. He is remarried, several stepkids, great wife and a new daughter. I think the new wife (we'll call her NW from now on) is the best thing that ever happened to him. NW makes sure he calls my son (let's call him M) and sends him gifts at the appropriate times throughout the year. If H1 ever left NW, I'd kill him. So M is spending the whole summer with H1 and family. It's the first time he's spent the whole summer away from me, and I'm still in denial.

My relationship with H2 is civil, sometimes friendly and rather complicated. For the sake of this entry, I won't go into all of it today. My point (if I have one) is to briefly explain my two failed marriages, and how my exes got named H1 and H2.

I was hired at my current place of employment (CPE for simplicity) in August of 2003. I filed for divorce in November of 2004. H2 had never seen my office, had only the vaguest idea of where it was, and had only met one coworker one time at my house. He was really, really involved with my life. When I told my boss that I was getting a divorce, he joked that he doubted H2 even existed. Because the only person that ever saw him was a girl I'll call DJ. Stands for Drunk (fill name here). As a lush, her vouching for the existence of H2 did not hold a lot of weight with my boss. My boss further decided that as I was beginning to rival Elizabeth Taylor in my numerous marriages (my boss gives me a LOT of shit - he's great) that he couldn't be bothered to remember all those names. So he calls them H1 (husband one) and H2 (husband two). He also made a bet with a coworker of mine that I would be engaged/married by the end of 2005. This man would be, of course, H3.

So, now I'm in the dating world again. Those adventures are for another day. However, any man I date now has a designation at work. I dated a man earlier this year, he was H3. Not because we got married, just because my boss loves to bust my balls. I got rid of H3 (another story for another day), I'm dating someone else. He is H3.2. I don't know how this happened. A typical day at the office, chit chat with the boss, he asks "So, how's H3.2?" Oh my God. This is also the man that has convinced the office that I am 32. Because he's 32 and he loves to fuck with me. I'm 31 DAMMIT. Don't age me any more!!

I apologize for the long-winded nature of this post, I thought a little background on my life might come in handy when I'm posting about the trials and tribulations of H1, H2, H3..... Make sure to take notes, there will be a quiz on this later.